I just need to give everyone an update on my friend Lisa, age forty, divorced, two kids, rock hard ass. Her life is like one of those Spanish soap operas. She is dating a 53 year old hispanic guy from El Salvador who looks like a cross between Tom Selleck and a member of a Mariachi band (so she says I've never seen him). Because she has a need for regular sex she put up with his insane possessiveness and need to call her ten times a day. I had asked her if the relationship was functional. She said, "Yes, he can get it up without Viagra." She was very proud of his functionality.
Well, it turns out he was too functional. Some woman kept phoning Lisa up and saying in broken Spanish, "I am Pedro's girlfriend. He can go all night. He know how to please a woman. He is only with you for your money. I know you are wealthy woman." Lisa thought this lunatic was Pedro's ex wife. Firstly, Lisa doesn't have any money so she found that very funny. I suppose she also wondered if Pedro would have the energy to steer his 'boat' into two 'harbors' so to speak. Well it turned out the psycho caller was in fact Pedro's bit on the side who recently stormed around to Lisa's house and demanded that she stop seeing Pedro. Pedro was in the house at the time and Lisa slammed the door in the woman's face, went upstairs and started punching Pedro who wailed,
"What was I to do? She would come round at lunch time and bring me food. She was an easy picking."
Lisa punched his lights out and showed him the door.
That seems to be the end of Pedro for now.
stinky fish
+
roquefort
= Spanish fly
Lisa's sister who is a few years younger and apparently stunning does not seem to have any better luck with men. She has a Spanish boyfriend who has poor personal hygiene and whose penis smells of "roquefort and fish and sometimes pee." Is this what they call Spanish fly?
A note to anyone with a foreskin out there: Can you please wash under it.
Once again I am pleased I am not single.
18 comments:
"forty, divorced, two kids, rock hard ass" - now there's an advert in the Personals guaranteed to get a response. I'm sorry she's been let down by an ass called Pedro - he sounds a right donkey: not just hung like one but happy to give rides to all and sundry. He needs to be gelded.
P.S. have sprained my neck trying to sniff my penis. And have now hurt my ass from kicking it... I should have asked the wife to do it. Doh!
Did she actually tell Pedro that she wanted exclusive use of his dick? I dunno, women expect men to be mind readers...
GAH! Porn 'tache!
*flees*
Maybe there's an innocent explanation like the fish and roquefort were "easy pickings?"
Oh Hai MJ!
She had to go through the stinky dicks and psycho girlfriends?
The mustache wasn't enough of a red flag?
Gross, dude. Gross.
steve...stop doing circus tricks lad I'm sure yours smells wonderful, a bouquet of roses and hyacinths!
gorilla bananas....I think she did tell him she wanted exclusive use of his dick but his argument was that he only saw her on weekends thus his dick was only her property then, leaving him to use his dick like a time share and 'rent' it out to other interested lasses during the week. What a card eh!
MJ... at least a porn tache does not make readers want to vomit like those fat bellied small dicked lads over at your place.
xl...maybe he was washing himself with fish and roquefort in an organic fashion to stimulate his circulation or summat? There's sure to be a good explanation for the fact that his dick smells like a garbage pile.
people in the sun...her problem is she fancies macho men. She also fancies hispanics and many of them have large moustaches. I told her if she fancies dark skinned guys she is better off with an Indian IT consultant but it fell on deaf ears.
kathryn....Not as bad as your story about the dude who crapped his pants!
Emma,
Being Spanish and not speaking good inglish, he understandably thought that exclusive meant she wouldn't do a threesome, whether with another man, woman or barnyard animal. If she meant exclusive as in she is the only one he and his need no viagra penis is to have sex with ever againl, she should have said so.
Just because he is spanish, doesn't mean he isn't a man. Next time she must be clear and specific regarding her intentions and conditions.
My guess is poor Lisa prolly had it in the back of her mind that this sort of thing might spring up eventually while dating Tom Spaneck. How the hell did she think he got to be so good in the sack anyway?!! Next time she should look for the fella with the well developed forearms and strong grip!!
Ick!!
Bad memories of cauliflower cheese...
Sx
Can I please have Lisa's sister's number ??
And if not...then Lisa's number.
And if not that either...then the number of that chick who delivers the lunches...
Latin lovers pffft! Pure urban legend. I find the myth of Latin lovers being el magnifico to be quite preposterous.
Every sporting man knows bloody well that latino boxers are lightweights who don't have any stamina.
If it pleases the court I would like to enter Exhibit A:
Richard Gere said that Latin Fighters don't have any stamina..and he said it to Andy Garcia after he beat the crap out of him in the movie Internal Affairs, so it must be true.Your honor the defense rests.
Hahaha. This is true. Touche, Emma dear. ;-)
Oh...I feel the vomit coming up
What Kopenjz said. Then again, I'd walk a mile for a roll in the hay with Antonio Banderas. Go figure.
jford......
he understandably thought that exclusive meant she wouldn't do a threesome, whether with another man, woman or barnyard animal. I think she just turned a blind eye to what was going on under her nose because she liked his Spanish sausage so to speak!
badside...
poor Lisa prolly had it in the back of her mind that this sort of thing might spring up eventually while dating Tom Spaneck.ha ha I'm sure she did only she was enjoying herself and didn't wake up and smell the coffee.
Next time she should look for the fella with the well developed forearms and strong grip!!....and the pristine Star Wars memorabilia collection.
Scarlet-Blue...
Hi sexy! So glad you are open for business again.
I love cauliflower cheese as in the food but have trouble making the sauce without lumps (i swear this is not a double entrendre)!!!
fingers...
Lisa's sister's number ??she only likes classy gents - for a classy debonair man she will overlook a rancid penis. Are you a classy gent? I rest my case.
Lisa's numbersorry no dice she only likes well hung hispanics
chick who delivers the lunches...yes she seems like she could be up your alley, just a common and garden nympho.
Kopenjz...
Apparently his member was el magnifico.
Kathryn...
I have a fatal prediliction for gross sex stories!
otherworldlyone...
Oh...I feel the vomit coming upme too but I have heard that Italian men too are not very big on cleaning the cheese from under the foreskin. Luckily I am married to an Irish.
moi...
I am sure Antonio Banderos has a special maid to clean under his foreskin.
Ugh. Now there's a picture in my head of a penis that didn't need to be there. Thanks for that.
I am mystified by the soap opera that appears to be the lives of women my age. I'm glad I got all that shit out of the way while I was still young enough to recover from it; now I can play the part of the wise woman while my friends fall apart around me and do stupid things are clearly insane and ill-advised.
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