Monday, April 27, 2009

How Many Mules Is Too Many?



A letter arrives in the post addressed to me. Inside it is an inventory from a company called Stockings HQ with a list of maybe (I am not kidding) fifty pairs of stockings in every shade, variety, sheerness. Why just a letter - why no stockings? Ah, I read on: your order has been dispatched. And why is this addressed to me? I don't care if my husband has an obsession with stockings but if this is addressed to me please do not tell me he has put it on my credit card? I am happy to be the legs inside the stockings but if I have to pay for them too, well isn't that like leg prostitution or something?


Well, we were going to have a romantic weekend to ourselves but our younger daughter Sausage unscrewed the water pump from the fish tank and flooded the sitting room. I don't know if it was a kind of Free Willy attempt to free the fish. Whatever it was it was bloody annoying, especially since we were now forced to punish her by not allowing her to go on a sleepover with her friend (my other daughter was going away camping). Anyway, as luck had it it turned out okay because Sausage went to a mall with us and now that I had almost received my order for the 4,000 stockings my husband's mind turned to the important subject of mules. Yes, unless you have your head in the sand you will know that mules are in. No I don't mean donkeys! I mean platform mules, cork mules, wedgy mules, mules in yellow, orange and blue. We had a few margaritas at Chili's (don't judge me re Chili's - we were in a mall and restaurant options were limited), and then Sausage and I ran around the place buying mules. I bought three pairs of mules. One pair was so high I don't know if I will ever be able to walk in them or even stand.

When I got them home I realized I have about 100 pairs of shoes. Ninety of them are suitable for the bedroom and not for walking and ten can at a pinch be worn to a restaurant.

I am pretty sure that the stocking and shoe situation is now totally out of control. Have any of you ever bought those storage systems (mine's from IKEA) only to find you have fifty boxes of stuff and while it is all tidily out of sight you cannot find anything? Each box is a mess of colorful single stockings. I would do anything for one of those sweet smelling gays from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy to come and sort out the mess that is my wardrobe. And don't even get me started on the tangled garter belts, babydoll nightdresses and assorted fetishwear. It is all about novelty it seems, and once it has been worn once or twice one craves new thrills. But what do do with the old stuff? Can you donate crotchless knickers to a thrift store?



I am penning a letter right now.

Dear Boys at Queer Eye

I am not gay. No really! I am not in the closet. I am a bona fide woman and I need your help. I have a pile of platform shoes, stockings and kinky underwear that is about to explode out of my room. Can you please come over and organize it or help me sort through it and give my unwanted stuff to the Charity For Poor Kinksters.

love

A Desperate Housewife adrift in a sea of seamed stockings
xx

BIG IN PAKISTAN - Today I am featured in The Pakistani Spectator!!

29 comments:

Misssy M said...

You could weave the stockings into a bed throw. Times are tough, we've got to make do and mend, you know!

As for the shoes: 100 pairs aren't nearly enough. You know, I know it.

EmmaK said...

misssym .....I would not believe it of you misssy ... are you a closet shoe hoarder?????

It's an addiction alas, I could have many many more shoes only where to store them - in the garden shed??

xl said...

I like the mule. Have not seen one with as many horsey features.

Oh, I would say get two mules ... to keep each other company.

Kate Lord Brown said...

(Raises hand sheepishly) - me too. Our daughter had to count every pair of shoes in the house for maths homework last year (I know ...) - ashamed to admit what was hiding in my closet. Giving away the 'can't stand let alone walk' ones unthinkable. Their time will come again. Stratospheric mules/stockings combo meant for lolling around not school run :)

MJ said...

Can you donate crotchless knickers to a thrift store?

Yes, if they’re clean and in good condition.

A high-end consignment shop in my city accepts second hand lingerie.

They’re soon going to be on the receiving end of one of my Stevie Nicks diaphanous numbers.

Call around.

Oh Hai XL!

garfer said...

Can't you just put them over your head and rob some banks?

Scarlet-Blue said...

I love mules [the type with heels] LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them... perfect for making your legs look longer. I also love boots and shoes and Singapore Slings...
Sx

Lola said...

I'm sure there are a few British politicians you can donate those stocking to!

fingers said...

My sister, Sister Sara reckons more than two mules is a waste...

Steve said...

You should set up a mail order service for "used stockings"... you'd make an absolute killing. Is it too early to make a bulk order?

Steve said...

P.S. Noblesse Oblige post duly completed...

otherworldlyone said...

Screw donating them to a thrift store! Have some fun getting rid of those crotchless...knickers.

Grab your phone book, randomly select a few people, and then mail some of those suckers out. You could just make some pervert's day.

Also, there is no such thing as too many stockings or shoes (mules or otherwise).

EmmaK said...

xl....I'm not sure I have room in my back yard for two mules. I once saw a stone house in Ireland which had grass on the roof and sheep grazed up there. Maybe I will have to build such a house and keep one mule on the roof.

Kate Lord Brown....With all the rain we had recently I couldn't even wear my stilletto boots outside because the heels kept sinking in the mud. Oh the traversty. Can you believe it Kate, I had to wear flats for a whole two weeks? It was agony.

EmmaK said...

MJ...I buy a lot of stuff from thrift stores but there is no way I could wear someone's used knickers crotchless or otherwise.
But I guess there must be really poor people who have no choice.

I want your Stevie Nicks diaphonous number!

garfer...
I fear they are too sheer and would tear too easily. "A robber wearing a peach colored sheer stocking with a red seam over her head was today apprehended trying to rob Barclays Bank." I can see the headlines now ....

Scarlet-Blue...
I knew you were a mule fancier!

Lola...
Good idea, I could set up a stand outside the Houses of Parliament selling used stockings for sex play.

fingers...
My brother, Father Cock reckons a mule in the hand is worth two in the bush

Steve...
You should set up a mail order service for "used stockings"... you'd make an absolute killing. yes indeed there are plenty of resourceful women providing such services on ebay. I know you would simply wash them in a mild soap and put them in a picture frame but I have too vivid an imagination and know just what the more chavlike portion of the populus would do with my stockings and their own members.

otherworldlyone...
Grab your phone book, randomly select a few people, and then mail some of those suckers out. You could just make some pervert's day. ha ha that is a brilliant idea!

Steve said...

"I know you would simply wash them in a mild soap and put them in a picture frame.." Actually I was planning on setting them in formaldehyde in the style of Damien Hirst and entering them for the Turner prize for I know you have rendered them works of art by your intimate association.

EmmaK said...

steve...well in that case I will send you a couple of dozen. Let's screw over the art glitterati.

electro-kevin said...

You could have provided a new piccie ...

... for my collection.

;-)

EmmaK said...

electro-kevin...I can't supply pics of me in my scanties. This is a family site and I do not want to corrupt the morals of miners or train drivers come to that.

DCMCMLVII said...

Hmm..that's a lot of stockings..just think of all the 7-11s that you can jack now?

I don't understand the shoe thing? I know that there is some sort of ongoing inter-female shoe war. Only China had the foresight to "go green" and introduce foot-binding, this drastically reduces the amount of space wasted in closets.

Sincerely,
Visibly Perplexed

EmmaK said...

donn coppens ... understanding women, tis a waste of time, as is women trying (and failing) to understand men. To women we will never understand why men want to watch a Formula 1 car going round a track for an hour. For men they don't know why women like to shop for hours and hours. It is as it is!

XUP said...

I was going to say what Steve said. There are tons of websites where men and women sell their used undergarments. Unwashed commands even higher prices! Who cares what they do with them when they get them. You'll be rich.

Human said...

So a past boyfriend also had a stripper shoe/stocking fetish, which left me with a closet full of stuff my fiance couldn't care less about seeing me in. Usually, I donate things I no longer wear to Goodwill.

But I wondered, do strippers shop at Goodwill? Is there a special craigslist category for shoes whose soles have rarely hit the carpet?

Nope. So I have 17 boxes of CFMs and various stocking acoutrements shoved on the top shelf of my closet.

Size 8 1/2--any takers?

The Coffee Lady said...

my friend used to pick up bags of stuff donated to charity shops, and the answer is - crotchless knickers would be TAME compared to some of the stuff he picked up on a regular basis.

Structural stuff. Metal stuff. Stuff with BARS.

moi said...

Never really been into stockings, but you know how I feel about The Shoes. As for mules, dahlink, I still have two pairs of Candies from high school. The BEST mule evah!

EmmaK said...

XUP....I guess I am also too lazy to package up my stockings and take them to the post office!

Human...maybe I should start a Goodwill store for strippers?

The coffee lady...you make me want to get a job at a goodwill store just to see the perverse things people drop off.

moi...re the Candies -
Lucky you - we would never have been allowed to wear mules to school - it was school uniforms and flat black lace up shoes. Oh the indignity.

VE said...

I'm developing fashion that will give you 8 more legs. That will allow you to wear 10 pairs of shoes at a time and make you feel less of a shoe addict...

badside said...

Did you write that just to tease me?! ;^) I think a great way to renew your vigor for those slinky things past, would be to model them for someone new. Hmm, let me think, yes, I know someone who would love to be your private audience!

Moobs said...

Wow. I'd sort of assumed that if you ever featured in a Pakistani paper it would be on a deathlist. Pakistan definitely needs you.

EmmaK said...

VE... Wonderful idea, I could wear a different color stocking on each of my eight legs.

badside...
Did you write that just to tease me?

YES!!

Moobs...
Well if you read the interview I did try to be anodyne and diplomatic even though it was torture for me to be like that.