The closest I come to taking drugs these days is taking Tylenol PM. The problem is I tend to wake up at 4am and take it then, which is what I did today so now I am groggy and nicely stoned. And it says on the bottle it is non-addictive. So take that! And its legal. It did say I shouldn't operate heavy machinery but I did operate my car (badly) and I must say I am not firing on all pistons.
Firstly I have started a blog for people to send me their real life bad sex confessions which will be included in a book. Go on, do it now! If you're too lazy to write something just send me a link to a funny/bad sex piece on your blog. Go on! You know you want to. Donn Coppens just sent me an amazing piece of drunken sex which he has posted on his blog today. Go on and read it. You'll love it.
By the way: to the men, your funny sexual confessions should be true. I don't need stories about how you were too large for your lady or how you pleasured her so much she had to scream for you to stop. I may be stoned on Tylenol PM but I know a real story from a fake one and here honesty really is the best policy.
So, the other day I was thinking of stuff I want to try in my forties. I thought maybe I'd give lesbianism a whirl. The reason I thought that was that in all these magazine articles like this one it says that these days many women over forty who were apparently straight come the big four oh suddenly become lesbians. I don't really know why. There were some theories bandied about about hormones going haywire or how women don't care so much about gender they tend to fall in love with a person. Or that the kids have buggered off so now they can kick out their husband and become rug munchers.
I just feel that by not having done the lesbian thing I have failed. People are always saying I am crazy, eccentric and a free spirit. But what kind of a free spirit has not had sex with a woman? I suppose I have not done it because I've never really been all that attracted to women. Also, and this is the rub. It seems like sex with a woman would be a heck of a lot of hard work and I am pretty lazy. With men it is really very straight forward and quick. With women it would be up a bit down a bit harder no I mean softer clockwise no anticlockwise there no THERE up a bit can you slow down faster that's too fast deeper not that deep that's it yes you've lost it now etc. etc. I'm not sure I'd really ever have the patience. It's like men are instant coffee granules and with women you need to roast the coffee beans, grind the coffee beans, make the coffee, heat the milk, then serve on a tray with a flaming doily.
Lesbianism: it's too much like hard work. Discuss.
I guess I'll take up abseiling or watercolor painting in my forties instead.
Another thing ... have you ever had sex so bad it was funny? If so I want your funniest and most insane dating experiences. Go here for more details.
31 comments:
Love that analogy!!!
I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
If you do try it can you post the video for us ???
mamma....lesbianism seems easier until you really start thinking about the mechanics of the amount of tongue and finger work that's required.
electro-kevin....
lol....I haven't turned 40 yet which is when the sapphic hormones start racing apparently. I'll keep you posted.
Yeah, but Ann Heche went the other way when she got older. Weren't you attracted to that female bodybuilder, Emma? I put up her picture especially for you. I think you need a big girl who'll take you by force so you don't have to think about all this clockwise / anticlockwise stuff.
And then there's all the flowers, champagne, chocolate, jewellery etc, that you'd have to buy. Hard work and expensive.
And you could end up with a partner who nicks your shoes and best clothes. Not good.
Sx
Emma,
Sorry to hear you aren't sleeping well, I am sure that will change after your lesbian tryst(s).
Don't worry about driving while on Tylenol PM, the warning is for heavy duty machinery that can cause damage if not used properly, so put the vibrator away for the rest of the day!
You can't say you are about to turn forty when you are only thirty two. Stop rushing things!
I too love the analogy. In any event, you really should try women, and there is no need to wait eight years. Women are wonderful and believe me, what you perceive as work from your end, is pure pleasure. You will be amazed at how quickly 20 minutes flies. If I were woman I would assuredly be a full time lesbian.
If you do opt for abseiling, opt for nude abseiling, and post videos. But really, abseiling in lieu of lesbianism? Why substitute a current activity requiring knee pads for another? ;)
I'm not a lesbian, but willing to learn!
"But what kind of a free spirit has not had sex with a woman?" About half the male population of the world.
Personally I'm a tea man. Not sure how I fit into your analogy. I love munching on a nice juicy slice of coffee cake if that counts?
BTW,Emma, I love the accompanying photo. Is that book in your collection?
Have a bad sex experience:
http://www.the-media-junkie.com/2008/12/nails-and-doors.html
Posted it up on your blog too.
Enjoy.
I remember reading a paper on the sexuality of animals back in the eighties (I was living with a social worker at the time and it seemed a good idea at the time). A group of behavioural psychologists were trying to study lesbianism in sheep but had to give up because: "when a female sheep is feeling receptive for sex it just stands stock still ready for union. In the case of lesbian sheep being attracted to each other, they'd be standing side by side standing stock still, which wouldn't be very fulfilling even for a sheep."
Strange how I can still remember that almost word for word.
As you know I am inordinately fond of lesbians. Huge fan. Huge. I have all their movies, so I for one applaud your decision to experiment.
I liked the coffee analogy too, although for me, sex with chicks has always been more like going to see 'The Rolling Stones' and being forced to sit through 'Take That' and 'Amy Whitehouse' first.
Which I'm happy to do.
I just don't see why after 'The Rolling Stones' get off the stage, that I am always forced to sit through 'Take That' and 'Amy Whitehouse' again...
You've inspired me. Am writing story asap.
You're right, it is so much work to make love to a woman. All that licking and slurping and fingering, gosh!.
Wouldn't trade it for anything. But I have no desire to see you force yourself to try. We men need all the sex we can get.
Well, yes, females are definitely harder to please than males, both in and out of bed. I don't think it's necessarily that their genitals are more complicated, but rather that the humans attached to the genitals are more complicated. But you probably already knew that.
I'm surprised that you haven't already explored this area. Heterosexual lesbianism has been very hip for over 10 years. What the hell have you been doing?
If I were you, I'd at least check it out. Avoid hooking up with other noobs, though. Get with someone who has a few notches under her belt.
And for God's sake, Emma - if you're going to do drugs, raise your standards a little. Tylenol Pm??? Jesus. I don't even know what to say.
go with watercolour...i did...and i agree...sex with a woman is too much damn work with less satisfaction...i would think anyway...i don't need all the additional pressure of seeing if i can pleasure a woman when i KNOW i can pleasure a man...plus women fake orgasms so would you really know anyway...eh pressure i don't need it in my 40's...i'll stick to what i know works...:)
sex with ladies sounds WAY too complicated - I'll stick with men and Tylenol PM methinks
gorilla bananas..
that woman on your blog
OMG she is gross
I am sure I could be dominated by a six foot stunning supermodel though, maybe she could take me by force ?? Carla Bruni with a strap on, now that's more like it!
scarlet-blue....I don't know, men nick your clothes too. I knew a girl who had a male flatmate and one day she saw him on the street wearing some ladies clothes of hers he had 'borrowed.' lol
jford...for a lawyer you don't have much attention to detail. I am 38, it says that right on my facebook account!! That is nearly forty come on now!
You will be amazed at how quickly 20 minutes fliesyeah but you have to be massively turned on for time to fly otherwise it probably feels about as interesting as sanding down a door
XL..
I'm not a lesbian, but willing to learn!lol would love to see you in high heels and a wig
Steve...
tea analogy .... hmmm .... you like old [tea] bags?
Media Junkie...
lol .... that guy was in and out of the front and back doors ...what a plonker
Kevin Musgrove...
Interesting about the sheep, in my experience with lesbians and I have known quite a few, whether they clearly define themselves as butch or femme there always seems to be that dynamic where one is the agressor and one the more docile one so in reality one er sheep would have no difficulty mounting the other one.
fingers...
I have all their movies, so I for one applaud your decision to experiment.lol ...why do real life lesbians never ever ever look like those chicks in lesbian porn and mostly look like sheep shearers or lumberjacks. It's one of the reasons I have never had a passionate sexual encounter with a woman (although I have fondled the odd pair of tits) although obviously my husband is keen to try the threeway thing.
Kathryn...
Good girl! and please don't spare any of the excruciating details.
Al Sensu...
I was just bracing myself for when I turn forty and my hormones start pumping through me and I suddenly find myself wanting to mount a woman. Just mentally preparing myself you know.
Captain Smack...
I'm surprised that you haven't already explored this area. No, I have snogged a couple of women but have never you know, touched their genitals.
I was really attracted to this girl once - she was a bit androgynous looking I do like that type - and she did invite me back to her house once for sex but I chickened out because she was nuts. And unlike a man I am not going to shag a woman who is nuts it is just not worth it.
Re drugs, I was abusing Nyquil for a while but it made me feel ill. As for harder drugs sure I would but you know pretty impossible when you have kids.
Daisy...
I am already experimenting with the watercolors.
I suppose I would like to have sex with a woman before I die tho.
Conortje...
what a sensible young lad you are!
Emma,
I did she your age listed as 38, but after seeing your photo I naturally assumed it was a typo.
"you like old [tea] bags?" Yup. I dunk 'em once and then chuck 'em out. Unless I find one that gives a good brew. Then I might squeeze a few more drops out on that one... ;-)
Hey this analogy thing really works!
Working with teenagers as I did for seven years I realised hearing them talk that there is a whole generation of girls who openly do girl on girl stuff- mostly in front of boys at parties. None of this has any real impact on their sexuality- it's just what teenagers do. Whether they really want to or not.
Your book would be a whole lot spicier if you waited a generation, I suspect. Each gen tries to top the last. Bring back national service that'll sort the lot of em out.
Sorry I'm ranting, my Tylenol PM is still buzzing round my system...that's what happens when you grind them down and snort them.
What Scarlet-Blue said. Although, I suppose, if you don't do the lipstick lesbian thing, you wouldn't have to worry about all that. Then again, if you don't do the lipstick lesbian thing, what's the point? You may as well be with a dude, right? Or . . . ? Jeez, it's all so confusing. I guess that's why I sleep with men. Keeps things. Simple.
jford..flattery will get you everywhere ...well not everywhere but you are forgiven
Steve....Hey I'm an old bag and have plenty of drips left in me. Hey this analogy has stopped working!
misssym...no, I know that girl on girl stuff girls do to turn on boys as teens is all fake but I meant this article is saying that a lot of women over 40 go gay and I just wondered if this is caused by hormonal havoc or just women who have been in the closet for most of their lives and are now taking the leap. All I know Misssy is you are forty so beware that you don't find yourself running off with the postlady!! ;)
moi....men .... bless their cotton socks they are simple. But maybe women would be a challenge. I know what you are saying if you want a challenge learn to make a souffle.
Mt. Everest? Reminds me of this one girl... ;) (always a man...)
There is the rub indeed!
Thank You for verifying our predicament. I hate to get all Desmond Morris on you but when it comes to sex, the two species of Humans are not designed for the same purposes.
As you are no doubt well aware, males have enough sperm to impregnate a soccer stadium full of females every week? Females have a finite number of eggs and therefore need to be more discriminating with their DNA packet.
In any event during the 1970s Cosmo complicated the sex lives of men by putting forward the theory that women should enjoy it. This not only destroyed millenia of precedent but virtually guatranteed that women should start experimenting with other gals.
Fast forward a few decades and men are finally able to distinguish between a Ford Taurus from a Clitoris.
In theory this should help level the foreplaying field but 3 billion years of tinkering with naughty bits is hard to undo.
Sex in Nature is short, brutish and nasty because there is always something else trying to eat or kill you whilst you are preoccupied with inseminating an inanimate or restrained receptacle.
Thank You for keepin' it real!
"In any event during the 1970s Cosmo complicated the sex lives of men by putting forward the theory that women should enjoy it. This not only destroyed millenia of precedent but virtually guatranteed that women should start experimenting with other gals."
DK, Emma's question would never have been asked but for the Cosmo complication. If women were never given the false impression that they were entitled and expected to enjoy sex, the whole question of who is harder to please sexually never have arisen. If women were relieved of the delusion that they not only should, but are entitled to enjoy and receive satisfaction from sex, then neither men nor women would have to struggle with the Herculean effort it takes to semi satisfy a woman. Think of all the truly productive things men could accomplish if they had back all of the enormous effort and energy dedicated to achieving the impossibly rare female orgasm. Well, not rare for me of course, but you understood that without saying I am sure.
As for Emma, stay the course, your time, energy, mouth and fingers are, much better spent creatively typing gems of wisdom and wit in your blog, and hearing the sound of your endearing voice and accent on youtube and webcasts.
I just now found this post, and I have to say I agree with analogy. I learned to late in life that men are easy, and women are complicated.
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