Well things have taken a desperate turn around here. On Sunday I got back from church only to find my husband sprawled out on the sofa in agony with a frozen bag of peas in the small of his back saying he had tried to reach for something on a ladder and twisted his back. I think the reaching from the ladder was just the nail in the coffin as he had 1. given me a lengthy seeing to in various ridiculous positions the day before 2. we had carried quite a bit of heavy furniture out of an apartment that morning - him doing the lion's share.
The long and short of it is that husband is still in pain and is effectively on sex strike. He said no position will work not even me on top. I suggested dressing in a short nurses costume and doing a kind of perverted Florence Nightingale on him but he said, "I know you will just end up getting me in some weird position and I will end up in the ER."
So that's it. He is on sex strike. Which leaves me with masturbation. Except that masturbation is a bit like eating celery. You know how celery takes more calories to chew than is actually in the celery? And you're meant to get all excited about that except that eating celery is actually one of the least pleasurable masticating activities around. Same with masturbation. It's boring isn't it? You can't exactly surprise yourself with a new move. And as for sex toys, yes I will accept a dildo but anything that vibrates just gets on my nerves, reminding me somehow of a dentist's drill.
So please keep me in my prayers. I will not be drilled in the near future. My husband now wears those adhesive hot packs on his back and is back at work.
These are desperate times and require desperate measures. What am I going to do to relieve my sexual frustrations?
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35 comments:
Hmm. Tricky. I can only think of three possible solutions:
1) Get husband to masturbate you (by surprise if necessary).
2) Hire a body double until hubbie is back in action.
3) Absteme for a week or two and then explode on hubbie and put his back out again as punishment for being so inconsiderate.
I'm with Steve, on #3 in particular. On the bright side, you're still having crazy, back-breaking sex with your husband. Most married women would envy you that.
I think now is the perfect time for a hot lesbian affair, commenced in front of said sex-striking husband.
Lynn @ humanbeingblog.wordpress.com
I think Human has a splendid idea there! Relief plus blogging material. Oh, and pix please.
I'm with you on vibrating things [not literally, that would be silly]. I've never understood them.
I think Steve has the answer with his no. 1.
Sx
Well that's what regular sex does, Emma. You lose the ability to use your imagination. Riding a horse without a saddle might be worth a try.
Trans-atlantic fingers and toungue at the ready. Also my cat is almost finished licking out his bowl....
Three days without action hardly qualifies you as a sexual disaster area, Orgasmo...
Oh Emma, I know it's hard to just buy yourself chocolates. Or to surprize yourself at the door wearing something sexy. But if I know anything about you, I know that you are the girl who will find a way! I too like the idea of #3. Hard as it may be. You can go out with a bang and a whimper!
Also, still thinking about the best story for your bad sex book. Ah, so much to choose from.
1 - Get him to a chiropractor
2 - Call me while he's there and I'll come over.
I love Mr Chilean Woman's fingers so I have to go with Steve's solution #1.
And no more heavy duty work Mr EmmaK! Unless it's your wife of course.
OMG, Emma, how you must be suffering! I recommend India Knight's The Dirty Bits for Girls. Also, I've tagged you - that'll keep your mind off the naughties x
for godsakes, Emma - pull yourself together and do what all good housewives in the 50's did when faced with unsatisfying sex lives.
clean and bake out that frustration!
This is terrible... really terrible.
Unless you use the celery as a dildo and then ask him to eat it?
Um, no. That's wrong on so many levels.
Dress provacatively. Tease him. Get him back into shape asap with the visual stim, and then when he's back on deck, he'll ravish you into next week.
You need to have one of those parties that "Slumberparties.com" can host. In case you don't know, it's like Tupperware but wayyyyyy cooler. You still have lots of options for "seeing to" yourself...don't knock it.
Catch the sleeper train to Paddington.
There is standing time of around 1hr halfway into the journey.
If you don't mind being woken at 2am.
;-)
Masturbation = eating celery. Bwahahahahaha! Then again, you know what I had to drink at lunch today? Celery soda pop. It was delicious. Whod'a thunk it?
Steve....
lol
no I can live without sex for a week, it is just so STRANGE he has never not wanted to have sex not once not ever. Takes some getting used to this new situation.
Ana...
I know, I am just going to enjoy the thought that I am having crazy, back-breaking sex after ten years of marriage (while I explode with sexual frustration)!
Human...
lol
Sounds like that kind of performance would cure his bad back in a heartbeat.
xl...
Oh, and pix please.okay but you don't get to see my labia for free, this blog would have to become pay per view. That okay?
Scarlet-Blue...
Just to clarify, the Maryland woman who found herself in hospital after attaching a dildo to a sabre saw blade WAS NOT ME:
http://www.last.fm/forum/23/_/512925
Gorilla Bananas...
Riding a horse without a saddle might be worth a try.I don't think I can be bothered. I'll wait for him to recover.
Ron Knee...
Trans-atlantic fingers and toungue at the ready. Also my cat is almost finished licking out his bowl....This sounds like an offer too good to refuse. I will get onto Expedia immediately and see if I can fly you and your cat out.
fingers...
It is now FIVE days - CODE RED - and I am calling out the Marines ...to give me a good seeing to.
Beverly Hamilton Wenham...
I am sitting in the lotus position trying to think non carnal thoughts and chewing on a carob bar.
Al Sensu...
Call me while he's there and I'll come over.sounds like a plan!
Some Chilean Woman...
I don't mind fingers as an appetizer as long as they're followed by salami. That is an unfortunate fact of my life.
DulwichDivorcee...
Surely reading soft core pornography will only make my libido growl at me like a lion. No, I am better off reading Enid Blyton and having a hot cup of cocoa. Thanks for tagging me.
the projectivist...
good advice - I am baking a huge phallic cake for my delectation.
Ms Smack...
Unless you use the celery as a dildo and then ask him to eat it? oh my god feel sick
you are funny!
Iron "GeekGirl" MistyI don't know, at a certain point masturbation just strikes me as daft and funny - in a bad way. I'm going to ride it out (pardon the pun)
electro-kevin...
If you don't mind being woken at 2am.No problem being awoken by a crowing cock
;-)
moi...
Celery soda pop. It was delicious. Whod'a thunk it?that sounds bad as wheatgrass juice - I'd rather suck a lawn!
... or was that a GROWING cock ?
Get the ticket collector involved and it could be a Cockatoo.
Who the hell are you calling an appetizer...you big size queen...
i agree with you on the masturbation thing...gets old fast...and not at all actually satisfying anything, except making sure that your fingers can still get there!
fingers...sorry if I insulted the size of your manhood but as they say in Devon "You can't stir butter with a toothpick."
daisy...those articles in women's mags always make me laugh about 'setting the scene' for a wank, dim the lights, put on Barry White and make love to yourself. PERLEEZE!!
electro kevin...I'm right aren't I, you're from Devon way, don't the ladies say, "you can't stir butter with a toothpick." I was just trying to explain this to Fingers.
Whilst I agree that doing a small load by hand is no substitute for a rugged, reliable, Maytagging...
sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do.
:(
Well down MY way, the local maidens don't come with vajajays the size of butter churns...
I believe it's currently acceptable to find a 'stand in' while hubby is out of action. I'm sure there would be no shortage of volunteers!
If you have trouble getting him to accept this arrangement, remind him that it's tat for tits if you're ever out of conjugal action.
This way, everybody's happy.
fingers...I don't personally have one the size of a butter churn, I was talking about the ancient art of churning as a metaphor. I suppose in Australia the ladies know how to grind the meat for their meat pies with their bits?
donn coppens...I have been informed that services will be resumed tomorrow. All I can say is they'd better be.
roland hulme...while it is indeed tempting to straddle the nearest hunk to get rid of my sexual urges its not quite so easy for ladies - I have trained my husband for 10 years to er tickle the right spots and no common or garden hunk could be relied on to hit the right spots!!
I agree with you on things that vibrate. The noise is kind of off-putting and I get visions of robots, which isn't sexy at all.
I personally think to refrain for a while is a good idea. The orgasm has got to be amazing when you haven't had the release for a while.
lady blah blah...right now I'm channelling Freddy Mercury:
I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode
Is this a trick of some sort to get me all hot and bothered? Make me fantasize that you're hungry and ready for some steamy love makin'? Well, it worked dang it!
marsturbation is boring? oooohhhh dear girl, you are clearly not doing it right!
badside....ha ha, I am such a tease.
conortje...this may simply me a male perspective. From a female point of view or maybe only from my point of view the orgasms are somehow less satisfying and less intense via masturbation.
Dearest, Deprived Emma,
The solution is simple. Oral Sex, or as I like to call it, "Emma by Candlelight." This tasty treat entails you lying naked on the dining room table, and your lucky hubby sitting in a firm chair giving support to the back for hours of tasty, snacking pleasure!
Do not deprive yourself or your husband one second longer!
The always helpful,
jford
Well if hubby is down you can always relax with a nice sex toy to get some release . Maybe one from www.hotgvibe.com we have a nice selection to choose from .
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