If you are bald you can wear a hat or get Elton John style hair plugs. If you have love handles you can become an anorexic. If you have a face like a pug you can get surgery. If you are 600lb you can get your stomach stapled.
But what do you do if you have CANKLES??? (for those still living in 1965 that means when your calf runs into your ankle and has no definition).
Now I don't have cankles, in fact I have very nice ankles. But what exactly do you do if you have cankles?
Do you just ignore the fact that you have lumps of meat attached to your knees? Or do you wear flared trousers year round? I'm really interested in this and urge any cankle sufferers to let me know how they deal with this problem.
July is Cankles Awareness Month and Gold's Gym has taken this special opportunity to offer pointless classes that will get rid of Cankles on their rather daft site, Say No To Cankles and offer this rather silly fashion advice for Canklettes:
-Look for pants in soft fabrics like cotton or poly blends that drape loosely around the ankle. Skinny jeans, which bunch at the ankle, are a no-no.
-Choose cropped or slightly tapered pants that cuff just past the fullest part of the ankle. These will draw the eye to the thinnest part of the ankle.
-Avoid shoes with ankle straps; these only make the ankle look bigger and the leg shorter. Opt instead for wedges and platform sandals that will create a long, lean silhouette. For fall, invest in dark-colored and tight-fitting boots.
-At the gym, wear bright sneakers to draw attention away from the ankle. Sports socks that reach only to the rim of the sneaker will create longer leg lines.
They may as well tell women to wear a burka!
Feck Off you Fecker!
And what about the new physical problem 'the Feck' which is the merging of the words 'face' and 'neck' to describe someone who has little or no chin/jawline definition. Are you a Fecker?
If so, I'm pretty sure you can get fleeced for only a few thousand for a Neck Lift to cure this problem. I read some plastic surgeon's site recently that said that "a neck lift can make a dramatic difference in facial appearance. Small-incision surgery allows recontouring of the neck with minimal downtime under twilight anesthesia. The neck lift is ideal for treating people with conditions such as turkey wattle neck and excess fat, but who are not bothered by jowls and cheek contour problems."
Does your wattle wobble when you waddle? We can help for $5000
Sure I'm laughing at the misfortunes of others but seriously doesn't it make you feel better that you don't have a feck, cankles or a turkey wattle neck? It makes me feel like Heidi fricken Klum let me tell you!
So have I cheered you up and made you feel more physically blessed or do you have one part of your anatomy that you would happily take a chainsaw to?
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?