If you are bald you can wear a hat or get Elton John style hair plugs. If you have love handles you can become an anorexic. If you have a face like a pug you can get surgery. If you are 600lb you can get your stomach stapled.
But what do you do if you have CANKLES??? (for those still living in 1965 that means when your calf runs into your ankle and has no definition).
Now I don't have cankles, in fact I have very nice ankles. But what exactly do you do if you have cankles?
Do you just ignore the fact that you have lumps of meat attached to your knees? Or do you wear flared trousers year round? I'm really interested in this and urge any cankle sufferers to let me know how they deal with this problem.
July is Cankles Awareness Month and Gold's Gym has taken this special opportunity to offer pointless classes that will get rid of Cankles on their rather daft site, Say No To Cankles and offer this rather silly fashion advice for Canklettes:
-Look for pants in soft fabrics like cotton or poly blends that drape loosely around the ankle. Skinny jeans, which bunch at the ankle, are a no-no.
-Choose cropped or slightly tapered pants that cuff just past the fullest part of the ankle. These will draw the eye to the thinnest part of the ankle.
-Avoid shoes with ankle straps; these only make the ankle look bigger and the leg shorter. Opt instead for wedges and platform sandals that will create a long, lean silhouette. For fall, invest in dark-colored and tight-fitting boots.
-At the gym, wear bright sneakers to draw attention away from the ankle. Sports socks that reach only to the rim of the sneaker will create longer leg lines.
They may as well tell women to wear a burka!
Feck Off you Fecker!
And what about the new physical problem 'the Feck' which is the merging of the words 'face' and 'neck' to describe someone who has little or no chin/jawline definition. Are you a Fecker?
If so, I'm pretty sure you can get fleeced for only a few thousand for a Neck Lift to cure this problem. I read some plastic surgeon's site recently that said that "a neck lift can make a dramatic difference in facial appearance. Small-incision surgery allows recontouring of the neck with minimal downtime under twilight anesthesia. The neck lift is ideal for treating people with conditions such as turkey wattle neck and excess fat, but who are not bothered by jowls and cheek contour problems."
Does your wattle wobble when you waddle? We can help for $5000
Sure I'm laughing at the misfortunes of others but seriously doesn't it make you feel better that you don't have a feck, cankles or a turkey wattle neck? It makes me feel like Heidi fricken Klum let me tell you!
So have I cheered you up and made you feel more physically blessed or do you have one part of your anatomy that you would happily take a chainsaw to?
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22 comments:
I would like a larger cock. Any surgery for that yet?
Not yet.
But I'm sure beer, age and gravity will change my mind on that one day
Apparently Trinny, from Trinny and Susannah, has cankles.
Perhaps I would like narrower feet.
Sx
If you're a woman and you have cankles I believe an immediate cure is to get a boob job...
mike g...a surgeon can inject fat into it or cut the ligament at the base ouch!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_enlargement#Ligament_cutting
I would gladly take a chainsaw to what my mother charmingly referred to as the "apron". I was horrified not only because it had a name, but in the fact that because it had a name, it was obviously common enough to not be remedied easily.
Maybe just a little trim around the hips with the chainsaw...
But aren't some (most?) people that have cankles quite large? And if they only work on reducing the size of said cankles...won't their new skinny ankles collapse under all that weight?
Money. Send money. It's too late for any worthwhile chainsawing.
xl...what I would really like to remove with a chansaw is my mother. If I send you a suitcase of used notes can you do some wet work on her? I mean do a hit? would be greatfully received.
What would I do if I had cankles ?
Wear Hunter welly boots of course. Highly fashionable and ooh soo sexy !
I have a J-Lo back end. Which works in my part of the world, I guess, although I am getting tired of keeping my tailor in Jaguars.
That woman has legs that Colonel Sanders would appreciate. Remove the excess meat and feed it to the cats.
I think I have all these things and i dont give a fuck...
I've seen pool tables with nicer legs than those...arrrgggghhhhh...
LOL I never knew what feck or cankles were.
Couldn't people who have cankles[do men get them too?] just gain more weight higher up in the leg hence slimming their cankles?
I have cankles, terrible ones!! Actually I also have teets or foes, where the feet merge into the toes as well. And I can't even fit my fit into fucken dark boots for winter!! CMAO, I wish I had slim ankles. :(
mutleythedog....Bear with me I'm still trying to round up women for your sponsored shag. I take it you don't mind if they're one baggers or even two baggers? (you know for ugly one's put a bag on her head, for really ugly one's a bag on your head too while you shag in case hers falls off). I'm just having difficulties getting pretty lasses to shag someone with cankles and a feck even if it is for charity you know?
Is there an operation to prevent a placid apendage from hitting ones knees ?
Clyde...If your penis is too long either
a. cut a bit off and give to Mike G above who wants a larger cock or
b. just roll it together and fasten it with sellotape taking care not to catch any of the pubes - don't waste your money on surgery
LOL!! Stumbled across your blog and love it!
Glad for no cankles... and no Feck! BUT I do have to admit, when I smile... I have a small double chin and it really pisses me off!!!
So I wonder if any of the trainers at the gym specialize in cankles of fecks? I should think of you took two bands of steel and just tightening them around your ankles, turning the tightening screws a little more each day, eventually you'd have nice, tiny ankles. I suppose the same might work for the feck, except that, of course, you'd choke to death. Small price to pay really.
do you know. i read (or heard? or dreamt?) that there is surgery for cankles. you can shave them down. not when you're in the shower (which i nearly do anyway as always in a hurry and shaving legs is dull and razor blunt and so i leave shower as if a massacre has taken place in there with cankle/ankle flesh blocking the drain). but you can have the bone shaved down to give a slimmer fit. imagine. HAVING THE BONE SHAVED DOWN. has the world gone mad?
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