Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Are you my ying? Am I your yang?


The question of whether soul mates exist was tossed in the air here this week and rather made me giggle. But when I had sufficiently composed myself to stop gibbering like a babboon I was ready to grab my quill and put my thoughts on paper.



Do I believe soul mates exist?

The short answer is no.
 
Here's why.

1. Soul mates can't possibly exist because of the fact that if there is only one woman for every man who completes her/him then what in the name of God did people do before the invention of the motor car? Bearing in mind that the car not to mention the plane has only been around for about a hundred years that leaves a hell of a lot of people whose soul mates rather conveniently found themselves in the same village. If a soul mate - one man for every woman - exists, and it doesn't - then what of say an Eskimo girl called Corazon in 1922 who's never even seen a car let alone driven a motorized bobsled whose soul mate - a strapping lad called Juan - happens to be residing in a slum in Rio de Janeiro? Short of smuggling herself onto an ocean liner for six months and dying of starvation there's a fairly high probability that they will never do the horizontal tango.



2.If soul mates exist would romance novels sell in such huge numbers? Take into consideration that in 2004 romance novels generated $1.2 billion in sales and made up 55% of all paperback sales. Having only struggled through a few of these novels I am by no means an expert but I do know that the men have a propensity to rip off bodices and not tie them back together when they're done. Suffice to say if women generally were happy with their sex and love lives would they be buying ludicrously unrealistic stuff featuring men with throbbing manhoods and rippling muscles who spout lines such as these (answer, no):

"Hers was a dark and stormy loin."

"The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs rippling in the dappled light."

"Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

"Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that."

"Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible."

"Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

"Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

"I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

"I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

"The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."



3. I find people who claim that the person they are with is their once in a lifetime love annoying. You will always get someone (usually female) saying "Oh God if I hadn't broken my leg in three places that day skiing in the Swiss Alps and that surgeon Franz hadn't operated on me we would never have met! Imagine our eyes would not have met above his surgical mask and we would never have gotten married." To which I always think, well, so what you would have met someone else and been just has happy. Same goes for kids. Maybe I am in the minority here but if I'd married a Chinese/black/hispanic/German I would still have thought my kids were the cutest things in the world and would have loved them the same as I love my kids now. Am I simply cavewoman in her purest form I wonder who's uterus can sniff out a fertile male at fifty paces and chooses men simply on the basis that they have strong swimming sperm, the ability to club a mammoth to death and their own teeth? I sometimes wonder.

4. Any of you who say 'Oh I am still in love with my husband/wife the way we were when we met' are going to be less than three years married. Fact. Anyone who can say 'Oh I am still in love with my husband/wife the way we were when we met' after ten years then wow! You are officially the one in a million who has found his/her soul mate. Pat yourself on the back and claim your prize, an all expenses trip to La La Land! Disclaimer: you cannot claim this prize if you are on antipsychotics as this interferes with perception.

5. Falling in love is something that is temporary. Falling in love has symptoms similar to the giddy high from an amphetemine boost. No one's saying it isn't a great state to be in. But at some point the high ends, you climb out of bed and you're left with, well - a very nice ordinary person who you may have married by then. A lot of people divorce when the high wears off and unrealistic romantic expectations are no longer fulfilled.


Or have I got it all wrong? Have you found your soul mate? Is your name Corazon and did you marry Juan in 1922? Go on I dare you, prove me wrong!

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28 comments:

Dan said...

Love the titles, but not sure I'd go for the story lines. {*grin*}

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Ah fabulous, I am so going to use the line 'half caf, half de-caf eyes' if it kills me.

Brilliant stuff.

Steve said...

I'm totally with you. What annoys me most about the soul mate thang is that it erroenous implies that if you find your "soul mate" then you're in a relationship that is by its very nature perfect and therefore requires no work whatsoever. What a crock of shit!

xl said...

Soul mates? More like we operate with a genetic-based shopping list of minimally acceptable traits when looking for a partner.

Metropolitan Mum said...

"Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

???

I am not sure I want to know how she got hold of it.

otherworldlyone said...

Nice Lorena B. reference.

Yeah, I don't believe in the one. Even though I'm holding out for it. Or not. Maybe I just have commitment issues.

Great covers.

Rusty Hoe said...

Ok I lost it at, "The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."

Soul mate my arse. Hollywood bullshit.

I love my husband we match perfectly (nearly 17yrs of wedded 'meh') but I frequently want to shove his head down the loo and flush or put his balls in my garlic press. I wonder if they'll put that in the next Harlequin Romance?

badside said...

There is definitely such a thing as a soul mate, then there's another one about five minutes later! Much as we'd like to deny it, we're really just bags of hormones at the mercy of whatever nature tells us to do! Gosh, I should write romance novels! ;^)

fingers said...

Soul mate ??
Are you taking the f*cking piss out of me again, Emmak ??
I'm still stuck on the question of whether the second date exists...

unique_stephen said...

Never been interested in a ying for my yang.

However I have a life long obsession searching for a ying for my wang.

@Xl > Do you know how hard it is to find kinky girls

xl said...

Stephen, yes. Yes I do.

EmmaK said...

Dan...the covers cracked me up

veryboredincatalunya....ha ha yes please write a story and put up on your blog

metropolitanmum....you jest of course!! you know about Lorena Bobbit who cut of husband's penis. He found the stump, had it sewn on again, formed band called The Severed Parts and also appeared in several porn films including Frankenpenis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_and_Lorena_Bobbitt

steve.....I hear you! Why are relationships such hard work? Sometimes I wish I'd married someone like Stephen Hawking I could just unplug his keyboard when I didn't feel like talking ....[too tasteless??]

xl....my personal bete noir would be having a partner with a hairy back or hairy nostrils. What's your biggest turn off?

unique_stephen...Okay I've found a ying for your wang. Twins no less!! http://www.myspace.com/yingyangtwins
Wait they're black male twins but hey you said you wanted kinky lol

fingers....christ mate stop sitting by the phone sobbing and waiting for her to call. It's perfectly acceptable for the man to call the woman after the first date these days you know!!

otherworldlyone...
Have fun looking for the one!!

Rusty Hoe...
I frequently want to shove his head down the loo and flush or put his balls in my garlic press.
I adore your honesty. I mean honestly!

badside...
Much as we'd like to deny it, we're really just bags of hormones at the mercy of whatever nature tells us to do!
yeah we share 99% of our genes with apes. We are animals. Just because we use underarm deoderant doesn't change that fact.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I reckon that the average human has about ten thousand soul mates, scattered across the globe. The problem is that even ten thousand is a needle in a haystack in a population of 6 billion, so the probability of finding one of them is very small. So most of you settle for someone you get along with OK and can shag without feeling nauseous. As is obvious from the comments.

EmmaK said...

gorilla bananas...I've a sneaky suspicion that the concept of the 'soulmate' was first put about by a marketing person for romance novels rubbing his greedy hands together. "I know," he thought, "we'll make all these housewives believe that their 'other half' that completes them is wandering about out there and then have people write tons of books about the lucky few who have found their soul mates and orgasmed as soon as said soul mate tickled her nostril!"

Gorilla Bananas said...

Nose orgasms are probably a fantasy, Emma, although sneezing is not an experience to be sniffed at. But whether you call them 'soulmates' or not, it's obvious that some humans do get along like a house on fire. It just doesn't happen often enough to make it a realistic expectation in a mate.

EmmaK said...

gorilla bananas
Nose orgasms are probably a fantasy
stop yanking my chain. Next you'll be telling me Deep Throat wasn't based on a real case study!! lol

Joanna Cake said...

I'm shocked, Emma!

"I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

Jean-Luc would never have done that to Riker!

Soul/sole mates? I suspect you're probably right. But it sure is nice when you do find someone who fits you... for however long it may last.

Ruf has been reading me a bedtime story and it's all about learning how to be happy within yourself rather than placing your happiness into the hands of another and having a soul mate rather smacks of responsibility to remain a certain way or to progress in the same way as your partner, rather than allowing for individual growth and maturity.

I think the best relationships are ones where each partner nurtures and encourages the other to be the best that they can be rather than holding them in to some stylised version of themselves.

EmmaK said...

joanna cake....or maybe the secret to soul mate success is not living together like you and Ruf!!

Expat mum said...

Gosh - I never knew that about John Bobbett, but I digress.
What I was going to say is: If there is such thing as a soul-mate, how come bereaved people go on to marry again?

Hetty Sorrel said...

Can't remember who said it, but agree that a happy marriage is one where each of the spouses secretly thinks that he/she got the better bargain. "Secretly" is the key word!

EmmaK said...

expat mum...If there is such thing as a soul-mate, how come bereaved people go on to marry again?

Oh that's an easy one...I am regularly in contact with the 'other side' and apparently teh dead spouse's spirit just transfers into a new person on earth so you are effectively marrying the same person twice ;)

Hetty Sorrel...
There's something to that methinks!

Karen @ If I Could Escape . . . said...

Those quotes were hysterical! Great post!

紅包 said...

生命是一頓豐富的宴席,有人卻寧可挨餓 ..................................................

Max said...

Some people need to believe that they are "the one" for their significant other. As if it's some kind of guarantee that life is going to be perfect till they kick the bucket.

I found the "one" many years ago,
then another "one",
and another "one"...
lost count and now happy with the one I married.

Is she my soulmate? The real question is:
Does it matter?

Iota said...

Came here from Notes from Lapland's best post fest. You really made me laugh - especially those lines from novels.

But now I've read your best post, so is it downhill all the way from here?

Iota said...

And you made those lines up, right?

Heather said...

oh jesus woman, you had me in fits! those quotes! Those titles! my god!

Dunno about soul mates. i know when me and the husband met it wasn't fireworks and a Disney moment but i knew we would be a permanent thing. that's not to say that had we never met we would both be single and miserable for rest of our lives.

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