Thursday, May 20, 2010

A Finger Lickin' Good Cult



What is it about me that attracts nutters?

So my daughter's piano teacher who is a really nice sweet woman calls me up the other day. All I know about her is she was married to a guy for twenty years and popped out four kids before her hubby died of cancer. Then it seems she very quickly met a new guy and moved into his house and she talks about him like he is a God, about how "we are so compatible, just last night we had so much fun making chicken cordon bleu together."

So anyway, she phones me up and invites me to a 'special event' at her house - just a few friends who are going to come to her house to listen to a 'talk' about a very special personal development program let's call it Lifeforce and then if I like what they are saying about how positive thinking can totally revolutionize your life then you can sign up for a ten week seminar including weekends in cabins. What fun I thought. Well no, obviously I thought oh crap she's inviting me to become part of a cult. And when I googled it later there were quite a few naysayers who claimed they'd been brainwashed and fleeced of their money and dignity by Lifeforce.

So I'm like "is this anything to do with believing in Jesus or believing in a higher power?" and she said "No!Absolutely not." And then we got down to the nitty gritty - there was going to be quite a good buffet at this 'event'. What kind of buffet I asked, and let's just say they were pushing out the boat. I was tempted, well a little bit.

Then when she saw that I still wasn't that excited she said, "Let me tell you a story about how Lifeforce changed my life. Well when I was a teenager I went to a dance and I had a crush on this really sexy charismatic guy and I was devastated when he ignored me and just danced with another girl all night. And after that I told myself no really hot guys are ever going to go out with me. It was a really negative way of looking at things and pretty soon I met my husband. He was really nice but there was no spark, no chemistry."

I said, "Well you're darned lucky he died of cancer then aren't you?"

No I didn't really say that. She went on. "And then when my husband died I joined Lifeforce and it made me realize that maybe really hot charismatic guys could be into me. I'd spent twenty years not realizing this!"

I said, "Actually you would have probably ended up dating a lot of arseholes if you'd only gone after the hot charismatic guys." No I really did say that!

She laughed and went on and told me how when she met her current husband let's call him Fabio - who incidentally is not particularly hot in my book. She says "I was so blown away by him and we had this incredible chemistry and guess what from what I had learnt from Lifeforce I realized that maybe I'd been held
back by all this negative thinking and guess what I asked him out!"

I was like, "Um, wow."  I didn't want to ask if she'd met Fabio via Lifeforce because no doubt she did and no doubt they are in this together. So now I really hope she doesn't ask me about coming to any more meetings because otherwise I'll have to say point blank, "No thanks, I don't really want to go to a weekend retreat in a windowless room where I am psychologically broken down and have to tithe a large proportion of my earnings for the rest of time."

Or do you think I can just roll into the meeting, grab a couple of chicken wings before remembering I have an urgent appointment?

I know you're all thinking Go Emma, go to the initiation and do something funny like roll around the floor and start speaking in tongues but I simply can't face it.

What about you did you, did you ever end up at a cult meeting, lured there by the promise of free chicken wings?

Listen, I'm cheap, but I'm not that cheap.





48 comments:

mrshev.com said...

"I said, "Well you're darned lucky he died of cancer then aren't you?""

I nearly fell off my chair when I read that...so, so funny.

I think you should go. Really.

For the sake of journalistic investigation, you should find out what it is. It might be like that thing; 'The Secret.' When the secret is positive thinking, which is a bit lame, really.

On The Secret there was a guy who was a hedge fund manager, pulling in millions, but after The Secret he is now a faith healer who looks like he'll never get laid....

The Secret worked for him, why not you? :)

EmmaK said...

MrShev...I WANT TO GO but I'm scared - what if they lock me in and never let me out. What if they force feed me chicken wings until I scream "I feel the Lifeforce!" ooh you devil I might just do it!

xl said...

If you decide to go, be sure to have one of those pet ID chips inserted under your skin beforehand. Might help identify the body.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Go for it, Emma, it's a great opportunity to observe a bunch of kooks in their inner sanctum! All you need is a dud cheque-book to write them dud cheques. They'll let you out if you pay the initiation fee.

Steve said...

Hey, don't knock Lifeforce - it's the only way guys like me can get dates with emotionally damaged financially bouyant women with low self esteem.

But seriously... avoid like the plague; don't touch with a barge pole. Don't even touch with somebody else's barge pole. As soon as they have your name and can ID you biometrically you'll never be rid of them. You'll end up being a recluse. And then there'll be no chicken wings, not ever. Well. Unless you get them on take-out.

SECRET PEPPER PERSON: said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SECRET PEPPER PERSON: said...

I'm back..Yes, I was sucked in once in my hippie days. I went to a nameless temple that was featuring a nameless guru type individual who was "super spiritual" (far out!) with a golden aura (far out!) and in touch with the cosmos (far out!)...I sat next to an acquaintance who had boobs like Dolly Parton and of course being the hippie days was bra less and boing-boinging all over the temple. The guru could not take his eyes off of her bubbies during the entire lecture and as we were mediating and I was sneaking a peak at him I caught him sneaking a peak at her bubbies again and again. Even in my hippie state I knew something was rotten in Haight-Ashbury. How disappointing for me! Had I known about Lifeforce I could have nabbed that guru even with an A cup.

6:00 PM

Scarlet Blue said...

I went along to something in my teens and they were all sitting in a circle describing the moment when they first met Jesus.
I'm afraid i got a fit of giggles and was thrown out.
Sx

Senorita said...

This post hits a little close to home. I grew up in a cult. It was my parents that brought me there and I didn't have a say. My mother is still there and I barely have a relationship with her.

The business model of it all was like the Church of Scientology. I can't tell you how psycologically broken down we were. I was there until I was 25. I can't tell you how lucky I am to just be out. I am so happy to have my life back.

Your friend will eventually realize her mistake, and to be honest there is nothing you can do to stop it. She will just have to learn the hard way.

Don't even bother going to this event. It won't be amusing. You will either get pestured or you will end up feeling depressed by it all.

JulieB said...

Sorry, but this really did make me laugh, although I guess there is a serious side to it all. I am tempted to say Go! so you can share the experience with us all on the blog. However, I'll be honest, I would steer clear - otherwise you'll probably have them harassing you endlessly until you succumb. Cut them off before their dastardly chicken hooks into you...

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Obviously I wouldn't have a bar of it, and would probably leave town should your friend ask again but you,... well you just have to go so you can come back and tell us all about it. Just don't look them in the eyes in case they hypnotise you or something. Oh and fill your bag with grub whilst no-one is looking...

EmmaK said...

Steve...First I told her I couldn't come and then she said oh why don't I just give you a talk after your daughter's piano lesson and I flipped out and said, "I am not interested in this and please don't ask me again." And she said "I admire your direct response. Lifeforce isn't for everyone" but is she asks me again I'm going to have to get a new piano teacher which is a shame because she is good.

EmmaK said...

JulieB....WHAT? No free chicken??? This is going to be a tough instruction to follow

EmmaK said...

Senorita...thanks for the insight. Yes I think it is sad for people when they get hooked on something like this because they imagine it has changed their life when really they have just become robots. Thank God you got out!

Scotsman said...

Anytime I get roped into going to church with the in laws for a family event and find myself having to listen to the testimonies of the parishioners I can't help but feel if only I went out and found out what that Lifeforce malarkey was all about.

Löst Jimmy said...

Do mini-cults count?
At one workplace I went to there was this 3 man 'fellowship' going on where these guys would stand in a circle holding hands mid-shift and spent a good deal of teabreaks trying to recruit new blood.

Unbeknown to me when I started one fellowship guy invited me for nosh-up in the works canteen. Innocently I went along thinking this is fine chap, how naive as the conversation quickly turned from HP sauce to do you believe in god?, blimey that was quick I remember thinking...why couldn't he just stick to talking about the quality of the lorne sausage...

Rusty Hoe said...

I was invited to a cult get together once, they called it Tupperware. They told me to just come along for a day out, that there'd be no pressure and free chicken wings. But really they just wanted to organise my life into little square boxes, to make me conform to the way of the spring green salad spinner. Evil bastards.

My girlfriend and I got the evil eye from the leader after pissing ourselves laughing when another cult member lost the plot because they were no longer making forest green lids and she couldn't cope with mismatched lids. The Leader gave us a talking to and we were never invited again. Cult people have no sense of humour.

EmmaK said...

rusty hoe...I went to a sex toy party once but didn't take my credit card because I knew I'd buy some silly products:
http://mommyhasaheadache.blogspot.com/2007/03/gagging-for-it.html
tupperware would actually have been a lot more useful than an artificial vagina!!

EmmaK said...

Scotsman...don't do it! Don't join Lifeforce.Once they get hold of your credit card number they will fleece you of all your money. At least with church you can put those donation envelopes in the collection plate and not put anything in them (not that I'd ever do anything like that of course)!! lol

Hetty Sorrel said...

When I was a student in the 1970s my friends and I used to send away for anything we could get for nothing. We got a lot of innocent enjoyment from the outpourings of someone known as Brother Branham, a Man Sent from God. This guy's followers made it their mission to record every single word he ever uttered as they considered it all to be divine, even things like 'Can somebody shut the door.' Well- we sent away for so much of this stuff that eventually his followers decided it was time to pay a visit to our home town and have a meeting there. What to do? We went- all seven of us in a dismal church hall, and we outnumbered the "genuine" inquirers there. We obliged the guest speaker by rumbling "Amen" and "Halleluiah, Brother" at regular intervals. The cult people went away, no doubt convinced they had done great deeds. I don't think there was so much as a cup of tea on offer, but at least we got a laugh out of it.

lilith said...

If it is called Landmark Forum, don't touch it with a barge pole. If you must go, make your friend pay. Expect to be very cross by the end of it.

EmmaK said...

lilith...that's what is so outrageous she isn't my friend just the piano teacher. Since then she kept hassling me and I flipped out and told her I was not interested and to never ask me again. And she said, "Thans for being so direct with me" and since then she seems scared of me. Good.

Hetty Sorrel...sounds hilarious and you even got away from the scene without a thorough brainwashing

slummysinglemummy said...

Is it wrong that "well you're darned lucky he died of cancer then aren't you?" didn't even make me flinch? It seemed a perfectly reasonable thing to say...

I'll pretty much do anything for a handful of nuts and a cocktail sausage.

fingers said...

Not all cults are simply commercial brainwashing, Emmak !!!
I belong to an excellent doomsday group which permits us to have sex with our cousins if we want.
And lets be honest; deep down isn't that what everyone secretly wants. And let me also tell you...my second cousin on Dad's side is smoking hot.
All they ask in return is that we assemble on the roof of our meeting hall at midnight on the 29th Feb 2012 and wait for the spaceship to come and get us.
Apparently if the spaceship doesn't come, then we all get to have more sex with our hot cousins and drink some delicious specially prepared punch...

Thames said...

Good for you. I'd run a million miles. How's piano?

www.amodernmother.com

EmmaK said...

fingers...bless you my child. Just please remember to use a condom with your cousin the last thing you need is a two headed gibbering fingers offspring running about. Other than that have fun!!

dulwich divorcee said...

My ex was once schmoozed by two good looking Moonie girls in California. They invited him to a meeting, so he turned up with a bottle. They didn't see the funny side. I think you should go, with a variety of refreshments!!!

EmmaK said...

dulwich divorcee...I don't know, if I want to be fleeced of my money and brainwashed I think I'd prefer to take hallucinogenic drugs!

Kevin Musgrove said...

I'm mightily relieved you declined the invitation.

EmmaK said...

kevin musgrove....I know!
it would have been a hassle to start a new blog called 'The Tenets of Lifeforce aka Join Me Friends!'

Metropolitan Mum said...

Go girl, go! You might be ending up jumping up and down on a sofa on a TV show. Woo hoo!

Electro-Kevin said...

What kind of buffet ???

Warren Buffet, you dingbat !

Get yersel' down there and sell your cute lil' arse for as much as he'll pay you. (Hubby will forgive when you get him that nice Tag)

Ms Smack said...

I also think you should attend, but with a plan. Ask them questions, irritating, annoying questions.

Will Lifeforce increase my orgasm power?

Would Lifeforce be able to convince my husband to wear my panties?

That kind of thing.

Report back!

xx

UBERMOUTH said...

Isn't the blogosphere a cult sans cchicken wings?

Panda said...

Oh, what lilith said! I was thinking "hey, I wonder if this is Landmark" as I read your post. Do.not.touch.even.for.a.laugh.

Thanks for finding me btw!

Veronica said...

Attend! And the report back for Internet purposes.

Wanderlust said...

What Veronica said! You have a duty. To entertain us.

Brenda said...

Donuts and coffee would usually do it for me. Ahem.

Happy AMB Blog Carnival Day. Phew!

Megan said...

Yes, I'm with some of the others - it would have made another great blog post!!

Maybe next time...

Hear Mum Roar said...

I think there should be a new cult, one where we all learn to say no without feeling guilty, lol!

So Now What? said...

Haha, you are hilarious. Came here from AMB CARNIVAL!!! Cue streamers and balloons. :)

This kind of thing freaks me out. Even Tupperware parties do my head in.

EmmaK said...

Megan....I'm just too scared to go - donuts or no donuts - once those people get hold of your address there's no shaking them off. I could do a post I suppose when I dress as an old lady incognito style and do a fake name etc and report back. I may try that if I grow a set of balls!!! lol

EmmaK said...

So Now What...I never take a credit card to tupperware or sex toy parties that way I don't buy any of their little plastic boxes or little artificial vaginas and can partake of the free buffet. Yay! But with a cult type situation its best not to go in the first place.

EmmaK said...

Hear Mum Roar... I was scared of saying no because she's a great piano teacher and didn't want to piss her off. But I did say no and did piss her off but nevertheless she hasn't hassled me again thank God!

Nerdycomputergirl said...

Good decision not to go Emma,and hopefully you get to keep the piano teaching. I know soemone who is constantly trying to get me to join them in the same sort of thing and it drives me bonkers.

Tropical Mum said...

I love the name you gave her husband, Fabio. Priceless! So glad you decided not to join a cult.

Visiting you from AMB Blog Carnival and following you because your post made me laugh.

Be A Fun Mum said...

LOL
Great! Now I have to google Lifeforce.

nellbe said...

thank goodness you didn't go!