Thursday, May 06, 2010

Hair Splitting Soap Opera


Is it just me or is your hairdresser one of the most important people in your life? I mean, certainly I have been through quite a few until I met Bella. Oh Bella you are all things to me, Shrink, Stylist and All Round Good Egg.

The first hairdresser I had when I got to Baltimore was at a salon called Split Ends (not its real name). Her name was Fiona and she looked like a woodland elf, very thin and with a pixie hair cut. Now she was pretty good at cutting hair but she was really boring. She had the most tedious on off relationship with a guy who taught the accordian or was it the lute? Anyway he kept saying he wasn't ready to commit and she was like my ovaries are drying up. And then it was off and on. Until I was like I don't care if you are off or on I want out.

The next hairdresser I tried couldn't really cut hair but was really loud and funny and called Carla. Firstly she'd scream in Split Ends which was actually quite a classy place about how her first husband ran off and left her when her son was born with no explanation and hotfooted it to Chicago. Then she screamed that it was okay because he'd never been able to find her clitoris. I said, "Well maybe he's still trying to find it in Chicago?" and this made her scream with laughter. And then she told me in detail about how her new husband could not only find it but manipulate it. But a lot of clients were looking at us funny and I started to get embarrassed. So I moved on from Carla and this was when I found Bella.

I guess I was getting a bit of a sluttish reputation at the salon because I was metaphorically whoring my way around the Stylists. Did Fiona know that her tedious tales had caused me to baulk and did Carla know that her raucous sexual escapades had me blushing? I have no idea. Because at last I had found her. Bella cut hair beautifully, she did highlights beautifully, she was sycophantic to quite a large extent and didn't always talk about herself which I loved. And she actually had a brain and a great sense of humour. We were like swans, wedded for life. And then the inevitable happened - she left Split Ends to go to a salon called Trendy Bitches and at first I didn't want to go to Trendy Bitches because it's really hard to park there and so I stayed at Split Ends and started with my fourth hairdresser a glam goth girl called Betsy who cut and dyed hair quite badly but had some funny stories about some C list British celebs she knew which I promised I wouldn't blab about.

So in the end I couldn't fight it anymore. I knew my heart was with Bella and I was going to have to start leaving the sophisticated world of Split Ends and going to Trendy Bitches. And that was this morning except I couldn't find Trendy Bitches because I'd written the address down wrong and my cell was dead so it took me an hour to find it at which point I arrived a sweaty panting mess at the Salon and the receptionist looked at me like I was roadkill and I said, "I got lost. I am looking for Bella. I have tried all the others and nothing compares tooooo you. It's been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your scissors away from me." And I started howling like Sinead O'Connor until they let me stay. And in the end Bella only had time to do a cut and not highlights and I confessed everything: how I'd let Betsy cut my hair. And she said, "Oh I'm not angry that you went to her," but I knew she was really. I wanted her to know I was sorry, so sorry for being so fickle and not wanting to go to a salon where you had to pay for parking but I'm sure the large tip allayed any of her fears that I might be a cheap bitch. And so it was a happy ending for sure.



And what about you? Have you found a hairdresser you want to make sweet sweet music with? Someone who has that tantalizing balance between being friendly and not telling you gynaecological details? If you have treasure them because they are hard to find.

31 comments:

cassienativebeauty said...

Hahahaha! I loved your post. 'Specially the part where the husband couldn't find her "clitoris" and even more "manipulate" it! Great post!

Some Chilean Woman said...

I wish! My hairdresser is my sister -she likes to go on about how awesome her life is and how crappy mine is. If I had the money I would go somewhere else, but I have to bite my tongue until I can afford it.

Steve said...

I'm a bloke. I don't do conversation with my barber other than - "yes, a good cut all over please" and - "no, I don't want any product".

There may be few words but we're big on respect.

JulieB said...

I've been going to the same hairdresser for just over 10, maybe 11 years now. The only time I have "been with" anyone else has been on the two occasions she was on maternity leave. I must confess that I was very tempted to jump ship to one of the alternatives, but as this was in the same salon I felt bound by loyalty to return to my first love.

I think it's fair to say we're pretty comfortable with each other by now. The last time I went we had an in-depth conversation about her husband's vasectomy!

EmmaK said...

Steve....Have you patented your idea for the Cadbury Creme Clegg yet. I did a straw poll and I think yes a lot of people would not be repulsed to eat his creme. This could be your way out of penury so just do it. BTW did you ever send your novel off or are you still pissing about losing memory sticks and getting anxious etc?

EmmaK said...

Some Chilean Woman...wow difficult situation, if you piss her off its like, whoops I've lopped off your left ear!!

EmmaK said...

cassienativebeauty....It did make me laugh though that some men can't find it. I mean come on its not that difficult!

EmmaK said...

JulieB...I am so pleased you have found a hairdresser that gives good hair as well as good conversation.

Gorilla Bananas said...

What about pubic hair? Do you shave or wax?

Steve said...

I'm pissing about up to my neck in Cleggy creme. Another rewrite, etc. But I'm damn near ready now. Damn near.

UBERMOUTH said...

OMG I loved this post! It's like a group therapy session!
Yes ! I had the best haridresser in the world,which isn't easy to find when yo're a redhead, for they either cut it short to steal your hair to sell for wigs[not kidding] or won't do this or that to a redheead[like dye it blonde] for it's sacreligious.
Oh and they'd kiss me and shit ,which I hate[men ones].....
But then I found 'the one'. He was gay[so I did not mind him kissing & cuddling me], he would not do what I wanted and would say,'shut up, I will tell you what suits you, you're not the hair 'stylist'!' and whatever he did was always perfect. It got to the point where I'd just waltz in and say,' FIX ME!'

His lover would join him at close of day and he'd say to me ' Wanna go to Motherfuckers[Mother Tucker's] for dinner? and off we'd go, laughing and chatting after I looked fab!
I LOVED HIM even though he wouldn't do a damn thing I asked!

EmmaK said...

Gorilla Bananas
lol....lol
how do you know I don't let it grow like crazy or let it go into dreadlocks?

Steve...re the rewrite there is such a thing as overegging the pudding you know! You can rewrite for the next 20 years so just stop now and send it off.

Ubermouth...Yes!! Lucky you!! I had a really funny bitchy gay male hairdresser back in London - he had so much good celeb gossip and it was totally scandalous .....I don't even remember what he did to my hair I have a feeling he led me towards the getting it dyed bright blonde not a good look I have a reddish face -but he gave v good gossip.

fingers said...

I think my barber likes to share gynaecological details with me but he's Italian and I haven't understood a word he's said for the past 20 years.
I assume it's gynaecological because all he ever says to me is 'Mumble mumble c*nt mumble mumble c*nt...'

Metropolitan Mum said...

I just realised that I never had a female hair dresser. Mhm. What does that say about me?

Btw, mentioning 'dick' and 'sex' in one comment sure as hell sends you straight into the spam filter. I freed your comment. Thanks for the link. :)

EmmaK said...

fingers...Maybe he is telling you what a sexy fellow you are and asking whether you bat for the other side? He may just think that just because you don't answer you are simply playing hard to get.

metropolitan mum.....I am so glad you wrestled me out of the spam filter. Was beginning to wonder where my comments were going. Stupidest commercial ever isn't it. Unless it's a piss take?

Memphis Steve said...

The girl who cuts my hair is a raging hottie in her 20s. This is why I go to her. I don't care how my hair looks as long as it is always cut by a raging hot girl.

Thames said...

You've really hit on something here. I was think about just the same thing. A woman's relationship with her hairdresser is very personal.I "whore" around a lot too, and finally found someone I like .... small issue is that she's 6,000 miles away.

-A Modern Mother

French Fancy said...

Oh I love your blog and I've not really got the time to give it the attention it deserves. Thanks for popping by and I really will be back in a couple of weeks

moi said...

Actually, my hairdresser is one of my very good friends, so if I leave her, things will get really ugly really fast. Luckily, no one has ever been able to cut, color, and highlight my hair like she can. If she retires, I'll probably just have to go ahead and shave my head.

Christina Angel said...

Too funny! Yes to me a hair dresser is up there with finding a good doctor! I moved to Maryland last year and was lucky enough on the first try to find Andrea who looks like a Barbie doll but has the sweetest disposition..lol! However I found the place by asking the Childrens librarian who had the most awesome Highlights where she goes.I refuse to go ANYWHERE without seeing someones work first!*laughs* I am a follower of yours now.I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE your sense of humor. Feel free to check out my blog as well at http://domesticgoddessmommy.blogspot.com/. Hope you're having a Terrific Thursday! Take care and God Bless!

slummysinglemummy said...

I actually really struggle with hairdressers. I'm not very good at being touched by strangers (at least not before a few G&Ts) and I'm not good at small talk.

Plus I don't understand why they are always asking me how I want different things done - I know nothing about hair, that's the whole point of going to a hairdresser. I just want to say 'make me look nice' and have them be quiet and get on with it.

That said, maybe it's just that I haven't found 'the one' yet...

EmmaK said...

slummysinglemummy....I love to be touched by strangers ;) ...well maybe not dentists why oh why do they try and make conversation while your mouth is full of implements. Some hairdressers take themselves WAY too seriously - I just say make me look hot - not too tall an order surely lol

Scarlet Blue said...

Ha! I did a 400 mile round trip to revisit my old hairdresser... but now I've found a new one down the road. I feel like I'm being unfaithful though.
Sx

Mia Dickinson said...

As a trained hairdresser, I cut my own bloodly here. It was quite a bonding session with the crazy Russian a few weeks ago. Nothing says love like ruining each other´s hair

Metropolitan Mum said...

I have tagged you in a lovely shoe award. Play along if you are game. Shoe porn, yay!

EmmaK said...

Mia Dickinson....God I wish I was a trained hairdresser. Every time I try and cut my daughter's bangs it looks like a mad monk so I am now banned from doing it!

Lady Estrogen said...

Whoring your way around the Stylists - haha - love it.
I've only had 1 love affair with a hair dresser - and that was mainly because at the time, she shared the same obsession with Days of Our Lives and we'd talk about it the whole time. I love that because she was the only one I knew that I COULD talk to about it. LOL

Rachel Faith said...

A good hairdresser is hard to find. Not that I have an identifiable hairstyle these days. It has been many moons since I darkened any salon doors. I can only hope that - once I have mental space for things like hair cuts again - that fate will lead me to the perfect hairdresser, and that we will enter into a business arrangement and make sweet and identifiable hairstyles together forever.

Mila said...

Oh I love this witty post.

I about die when you started singing Sinead.

I am still looking for my Bella. Dropping in from Rewind to say hello.
Mila from http://hereundertherainbow.blogspot.com

allison tait said...

Love this! It's so hard to find a good hairdresser, isn't it? Almost harder than finding The One to marry.

Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro.

HotGVibe said...

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