Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Are You An Attention Whore?


Sometimes I get so tired of people telling me there is no work out there. Because recently I heard of this really nice website called Craigslist where you can get some totally great work in the lucrative world of TV no less - short hours, great pay and you don't just have to look like Heidi Klum. I actually applied to Craigslist to be a translator for some of their adverts [see pink translations about what job actually requires]. For some reason they turned me down.

So what are you waiting for, log on to Craigslist and find yourself a lucrative part time income. [These are all real Craigslist current postings]:

Tall curvy women wanted for video work £130 for 5 hours work

Tall curvy women wanted for part time video work by amateur cameraman.Size 10 to 14, aged 18 to 40. No experience required. No sale or publication of work. Private project. Eye masks provided for your privacy. £130 cash payment for 5 hours work.Quick response for those replying with photos and contact number.

Eye mask provided so you can be driven to an unknown location and made to do wierd things with root vegetables. For cameraman read 'I just bought my first digital camera yesterday and am desperate to try it out.'

"Natural" Ladies Required for Solo Modelling Work (UK Nationwide)

UK ladies aged 18-45 are required for paid, solo female, men's magazine style work. Breasts don't have to be large, but must be natural. Must also be completely natural in the knicker region (i.e. un-shaved and un-trimmed), or would be prepared to "grow back" for the shoot. The photos are for a specialist "natural" company in the States. First-timers and girl next-door types especially welcome.

Must be prepared to sprinkle Miracle Gro onto private parts if necessary.


Tall or large shoe size girls for modeling (West London)

This is a great opportunity for some nice part time work, girls only. The requirement is that you are tall 5'10"or above, or have large shoe size 8, 9 or 10 UK or even larger is fine. Ideally you would have both requirements matched. The work is mainly leg and shoe/foot modelling and is good pay per hour.

Watch out this is a scam. They say they will take anyone but if you are a midget with sensationally large feet they may send you packing. Could make money from suing for big footed midget discrimination.

Male and ticklish? (London)

We are looking for men between 18 and 40 to participate in an unusual video production. This is a project about men's ticklishness and will include a short interview followed by a session where the candidate will be tickled. To be clear, this is not a porn production - and there will not be nudity - this is just a fun, but unusual, project to establish how ticklish ordinary guys in London really are and how they respond to being tickled. Please contact us, with a recent photo of yourself, for futher details. Compensation: £100 for about 1 hour participation

Um, I am pretty sure 'tickling' must be a euphemism for appearing tarred and feathered wearing a ball gag in a movie but maybe this is just the cynic in me talking. If you are more trusting than me why not give them a call and see if they are just friendly guys who enjoy paying £100 just for the heck of tickling some sweaty old guy. Or not.


EAT NON-FOOD ITEMS?

The producers of "The Biggest Loser" are casting a new eating disorder docu-series for major network.

Do you have an addiction to chalk or soap? Are you constantly craving non-nutritional items?

Do you find yourself eating non-food things and you don't know why?

If so tell us you story.

If selected, you will receive compensation and FREE treatment for telling your story.

I was extremely tempted by this except the only non-food item I eat are my cuticles. But if you regularly find yourself nibbling on your bathroom rug and your husband has told you enough is enough or if you bite the heads off pigeons then this could very well be an opportunity to be on TV and have all your colleagues laugh at you. It will also lead to the breakdown of your marriage and prevent you from ever getting a job again as the video of you sniffing underarm deoderants (or whatever your addiction is) goes viral on youtube. Other than that Go For It!



Norman Tebbit who may or may not have said "get on your bike and look for work"

So come on girls and guys what are you waiting for? Log onto Craigslist, get on your bike and start peddling.

26 comments:

dulwich divorcee said...

Blimey! I'll never complain about lack of work again ...

Steve said...

If it's a choice between Craig or the dole... I'm applying for my UB40 now.

EmmaK said...

Steve...come on now don't be such a spoilsport....I bet you'd love to be tickled by two large swarthy Eastern Europeans in a disused garage. It is for a hundred quid after all lol

EmmaK said...

dulwich divorcee...it certainly gives hope in gloomy economic times to those of us who do not do regular upkeep on our pubic hedges so to speak!

Some Chilean Woman said...

I'm short, curvy, and I trim! I guess I better not quit my day job.

Metropolitan Mum said...

You are laughing ow, but wait until I blind you with my newly bought bling I will be able to afford thanks to Craigslist. Bling! Bling!

Mrs Woog said...

My Perfect Craigslist job?
Wanted, 1 caffine addicted late-thiries larger woman with an unhealthy obsession Chelsea Lately and in continual avoidance of 2 nagging kids and an over-sexed husband, to sit on a beach in Bali and be filmed in a bikini drinking mohitos while getting a massage.

Wanderlust said...

So, just to be clear, to I get to *keep* the eyemask? And the pictures you ask for, would you like them to be nude? Because I'm perfectly willing to send nude pictures of myself to a stranger on the internet. No problem with that whatsoever.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why does anyone deserve money for being tickled? You wouldn't charge me for tickling you, would you Emma?

Mike G said...

Yes in L.A. they have similar craigslist ads except instead of "tickling" they say "fuck a couple of porn stars"

Electro-Kevin said...

I can't believe how many women take up the offer.

(I'm glad they do though.)

EmmaK said...

Electro-Kevin...The closest I came to working in the adult film industry was when I was 14 and had a Saturday job at a Delicatessen and the 40 year old owner offered us teens 'an extra fifty quid' if we stayed late to make a 'movie' in the back room. Even at that age I realized it would probably involve more orifices than Oscars and declined his generous offer.

EmmaK said...

Wanderlust...yes you get to keep the eyemask - amazing isn't it!! By the way when sending nude pics to strangers on the internet always remember to include your real name and postal address - that's just basic good manners.

EmmaK said...

Mrs Woog..I think I can sort out some sort of um position for you but I've talked to my client and you must have a bush as thick and lush as the Bwindi Impenetrable Forest. Can I give him a thumbs up?

PantsWithNames said...

I had no idea! Pay money to tickle someone. There's nowt like folk as they say!

mummydiaries said...

I keep imagining those "natural" ladies to have privates like those clay knomes that you would plant the grass seeds on their heads and watch grass sprout out like hair.

Am I the only one that had one of those as a kid?

myshorterstories said...

Nope. I had a clay doll that grew grass-seed hair too. 'Natural' can be scary sometimes...but so can bald and waxed and bleached into oblivion. Too much like Barbie Dolls. I did like the one in which you wear a mask for privacy...but am presuming it is the naked cameraman's privacy being preserved?

Kristy said...

Geez, I didn't realize there were so many opportunities out there just waiting to be had! :) What a great and fun read.

EmmaK said...

mummydiaries ..No..I am pretty sure the clay doll that grew grass-seed hair is an Aussie thing. Now having pubes is a fetish - I saw on a porn mag recently that they wrote something like 'The Return of Bush' I don't think they were referring to George W

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Ok I'm sold, what the phone number for the 'natural ladies' one? Knew being lazy in that department would pay off one day.

Expat mum said...

I am just gob smacked by the amount of people who answer these ads in good faith - not like us, who are all doing it for "blog research". Wink.
PS. My word verification is "fonatie" which I believe, is one of those things you're asked to do when you get to the secret location.

EmmaK said...

Expat Mum....I think some people see it as a convenient way to have affairs. I had a friend whose husband went to meet a guy on Craigslist for no strings oral sex and made the case to his wife when she found out that this was somehow not cheating because they used a condom and you can't get STDs like that or something equally crazy!!! Has Craigslist made peoples morals sink to new depths? possibly

Veronica said...

Hahahaha. Tasmania doesn't seem to be big on using craigslist. At least, the only ads I can see on it are people offering 'make big money working from home!' scams.

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