When it comes to love affairs so many people are utter fools. Innumerable delusionals subscribe to some idea that it was an utter fluke that they met their wife/husband. That it was a one in a million chance and they were so lucky to find them. Take Michael Douglas, who is always banging on about what a marvellous chance meeting it was to sit next to Catherine Zeta-Jones at some Hollywood dinner. Once he was thigh to thigh with the world's most famous Welshwoman the lovestruck old git immediately started babbling like a loon about wanting her to have his babies. Later when she deigned to go out with him he was deluded enough to state 'luckily for me she likes older men.' Of course she does Michael. So maybe she'd never been out with one before and maybe if you'd have been a rag and bone man she wouldn't have given you the time of day but dream on pal...delusion is the fuel to love.
That's why it was so refreshing when my Aussie pal Fingers recently penned a post about all the things he was looking for a woman and how statistically when he broke it down there was only one woman for him left after going through all the things he wanted starting here: "So, say there are 6 billion people on the planet; half of them are disqualified immediately for not being chicks, so that leaves 3 billion; still a pretty BFN." Then he eliminates them for not being what he wants in various ways including:
Don’t like ‘Seinfeld’…25 million.
Hold their cutlery like baboons…15 million.
Can’t drive a manual car or reverse park…8 million.
Are Holocaust-deniers…4 million
...and on and on .....until he whittles it down to one woman (and even that one isn't much of a prospect because she'd have to like him back and what are the chances of that happening!)
It's absolutely hilarious. Please go check it out right now!
But in any case I thought I'd give this a go. It's worth thinking about. I have to say sometimes I cry with joy at the fact that I am married and don't have to go on dates anymore but ... let's say I was a widow, what would I be looking for? I don't think I'm that choosy. Like this researcher contacted me the other day and said she is writing a book on food and what is my favourite food and I wrote back "Well trifle, chocolate mousse, fried chicken, lasagna, clam chowder, roasted peanuts, chocolate Hob Nobs etc etc." And she wrote back and said, "No I just need one!" Which left me scratching my head. How on earth can you have only one favourite food, the same as how can you have only one type of man, leaving aside all that nonsense about how 'there is someone for everyone.' I think... although obvioulsy I can't prove this ... that if I hadn't met my husband I would have married someone else. I might now be divorced with six kids, a 40 Bensons a day habit, genital piercings and living in a council estate in Peckham but still, I'm pretty sure I would have found someone else.
Now, I'm the first to admit I can't crunch the numbers like Fingers can but I do know that this would be my top ten wishlist:
1. Must be able to listen or pretend to listen to me ramble on while nodding sagely now and again
2. Sexually athletic - no premature ejaculators or men who have to narrate sex like "Oh you're so wet do you want me inside you you horny bitch?"
3. Must wear glasses (I'd say 90% of the men I've dated have worn glasses. I have no idea why this turns me on!)
4. Must enjoy bankrolling my lifestyle
5. Must not be overweight (yeah I know I'm a hyprocrite but I cannot deal with fat rolls on men)
6. Must be good at doing massages
7. Must enjoy doing crosswords together
8. Must not be one of those insanely competitive nutcases who has to win at everything even Monopoly
9. Must enjoy working at a well paid job for fifty years without having a mid-life crisis, growing a ponytail and shagging his secretary
10. Must not talk a lot as a I am a chatterbox
So go on, give me your Recipe for Mr or Mrs Right!! I would love to hear it. What are your top ten things you're looking for in a man or woman? I'll link anyone who takes part below. Think about it, this could be a golden opportunity. If you are single someone might read your post and get in touch because they tick all your boxes.
So far we have these saucy recipes for Mr or Ms Right:
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?