[this is a satire of those nauseating end of year letters people seem compelled to send. I did one for 2009 here]
It's that time of year once again. A time for me to gloat and show off as only I know how and tell me about how my year has gone.
It is common knowledge that I am pals with Prince Charles - I advised him before he married Di that the marriage would only end in tears, bulimia and her running off with an arab playboy but he decided to go ahead anyway. He's lived to regret it of course but I'm not one to rub salt in a wound and the other day he got in touch by sending me some 3-D glasses. I thought 'that's a bit cheap' until I realized it was his way of trying to build bridges. I was of course already in the know and had already ordered my 3-D television - in case you didn't hear the news: the Kate-Wills Marriage will be screened in 3-D! Of course I am expecting my invitation to the nuptials from Charles any day now but I need a Plan B in case I can't make it to Westminster Abbey.
I also penned Katie Middleton a letter suggesting a fairy theme for the wedding: Kate and William painted in blue latex with wings attached (think Tinkerbell and Peter Pan) as well as Westminster Abbey altered with CGA so that it looks like there are magic balls of pollen floating around in it. Also I suggested having 'ghosts of dead royals past' as part of the guest list. Wouldn't it be funny to have Princess Diana, Queen Victoria, Princess Margaret or even the Queen Mum sitting in the pews? Let's get creative and make it a royal wedding to remember, that's what I say.
I am in a bit of a quandry what to buy Prince William as a gift though. Right now I'm thinking of getting him a few boxes of the Rolls Royce of Condoms The condoms (from Condom, France) "combine luxury with lifestyle" and come in boxes lined in black velvet. "Condoms protect everyone from disease, ours protect from tackiness," states the Count Gil de Bizemont, the VP of the company. What do you think? I'm sure Kate would appreciate a deluxe ride.
Anyhow, sorry I was miles away. What have I been up to apart from corresponding with royalty? Well my daughter Skylark who is fifteen was going to be a model - she has a perfect bone structure - specially crafted by my husband who is a skilled plastic surgeon. But that was before I found out how little models earn. Did you know that you only get $750 for a Vogue shoot???!!!! After I heard that I told Skylar "sod that for a bag of soldiers." I mean I ask you, no little girl of mine is going to become anorexic just to earn that kind of pittance. So it's back to the drawing board. Might phone Paris Hilton or one of the Kardashians for some career advice for her.
Also we had a bit of a blip earlier on in the year when I found all sorts of naughty texts on my husband's cell phone from prostitutes. After I cut up all his suits and smashed his Ferrari he explained that I had acted irrationally and that it wasn't his fault. Being the big headed scientist slash plastic surgeon that he is he told me there was an explanation behind it. Promiscuity is in the genes apparently! Who knew? If only I'd known about that earlier I would have been able to tell Elin about it and she might not have had to go through that nasty divorce with Tiger.
I've saved the best for last: My adorable daughter Cecilia is now an amazing fashion designer. She makes me so proud. She is so modest, and so talented. And to think I started it all by getting her a sewing machine for her sixth birthday!! If you're reading this Kate Middleton: Cecilia is available to make your wedding dress.
So that's all for now, I've got to get dressed for a charity event ..can't remember what it's for. So, how was your year? Do tell me everything. I'm all ears.
Blessings to you all and hope to see you at THE wedding of the year in 2011
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