Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Bleating Hell


I just found out on Home Office Mum's blog about her marvellous new invention called a Bleat - where twitter and blogs collide. She says "A Bleat is a random thought you have (which you'd like to share) and is too long for a tweet and not quite long enough for a blog post in its own right. I was going to call it a Bleet, but according to the UrbanDictionary, a Bleet is: 'When A male rubs his penis on the outside of a womans vagina. No insertion only rubbing inbetween the vaginal lips of the woman. the step befor sex.' There is so much I don't know. Sigh.

Anyway, Bleat is better as people can then say: "What are you bleating on about?" See? Perfect. So please feel free to create your own bleats and set the trend in motion. I wonder if I can copyright it..."

It was at that point I realized I was born to Bleat so here I go:

Grey hair looks good...on Helen Mirren and that's about it
#goinggrey I don't mind the recent emergence of wrinkles, bags under eyes or the fact that my knees are going a bit saggy like a partially deflated souffle. What I do mind is going grey - right now it's just the bits near the ears and I am assaulting it with expensive high lights. Only the grey hair has this wierd wiry texture like wire wool which makes it aesthetically unappealing. I don't think grey hair is 'distinguished' or makes me look 'authoritative'. To be honest it's at times like these that I'd swap the grey hair for a face full of acne. I mean is there anything worse than grey hair? It's like your cells saying: "Look love we can't be bothered to keep producing hair colour. I mean come on you old mare you've fulfilled your biological duty by having kids and now you're fit for the knackers yard." What do you think?


#celebrityweightloss I'm so over it. I mean come on Kelly Osbourne if I had a colonic irrigation three times a day, plus a chef to cook me delicious low fat meals and some Nazi to scream at me and make me do a hundred press ups from the comfort of my home gym then believe me I'd manage to lose 30lb. What's difficult about losing weight for non-celebs is the near impossibility of motivating oneself to go to the gym in winter (too cold) and in summer (the weather's so nice why would I want to be cheek by jowl with a bunch of sweaty men in tight spandex stinking the place up on the running machines?) A diet book is waiting to be written, possibly by me: Lardasses Get Off Your Butts: A Guide to Losing Weight for People On An Income of Under $400,000 a year



#branstonpickle You don't know what you've got till it's gone eh? Now until recently there was a British aisle in my local supermarket which sold spotty dick in tins, a variety of mindblowingly delicious biscuits including Penguins, chocolate digestives and caramel hobnobs. Now obviously no one apart from me was buying this stuff because I'm pretty sure no American knows what to do with tinned spotty dick, or for that matter baby poo coloured Piccalilly. I have now found that the British shelf has basically been shelved and now there are taco shells in the place where Branston Pickle nestled beside Bisto Gravy. No you'll be pleased to know I didn't do my nut and go psycho in the supermarket holding the manager ransom until he said he'd reinstate the British shelf. It was a Code Orange situation, yes, but I could see their dilemma, there was not much profit in the delicious stodgy fare. The issue I'm now faced with is that unless I get it mail order I cannot get Branston Pickle for love nor money. What the hell am I going to do? Alright, I know, get Branston Pickle to sponsor my blog and get them to send me a lifetime's supply. But until that happens what do I do folks? Make my own bleedin' pickle from scratch? This is serious and I don't need any sarcastic comments about this issue.

#kidstelevision Luckily we have disconnected the TV so the kids only watch movies on Netflix. But before that they were obsessed with a programme called iCarly which basically featured very bright colours and lots of screeching. Bring back the old days I say, when you could pitch a kids' TV programme thus: It's about a teddy from darkest Peru who likes marmalade who lives with a human family and is always breaking stuff. Paddington Bear I will love you forever. They just don't make em like that anymore. Sob.

#goingsenile I've always been forgetful but now things are getting ridiculous. These days in the morning I say to my kids: "Who am I again?" and they chorus "You are Emma Kaufmann from England." Still, as long as I have the kids they'll be able to tell me what year it is etc.
And now I'm gonna tag these people to give me their best Bleats:

Lori at RRSAHM

The divine Mrs Woog

4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle

Misssy Martin

Note From Lapland

Very Bored In Catalunya

But if any of you want to have a good bleat, be my guest and go right ahead!



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30 comments:

Kelloggsville said...

#bleat the true definition, who would have known it? I feel positivity enlightened. I also lerant the meaning of #cameltoe today too..I mean, does a day get any better than that.

#shutthefuckup I have always said why say it in 3 words if 4263 will do, I will never be a master twittererer but bleating (in the newest sense of the word) I could achieve, as my facebook status regularly proves

#branstonpickle Life without pickle, twiglets and marmite isn't worth living. Don't jump. I'll post. mail me a snailmail. Mwah

Heather said...

#branstonpickle one of the good things about having family to visit is they can bring you stuff like this. Time for a family visit perhaps? Pick a warm month so they don't need much clothes - more room for pickle.

#bleet wow, learnt something new today. I feel the need to pass this information on in a helpful manner but i'm not sure my mother would approve. Scrap that, i'm sure she wouldn't.

#bleating I was made for this! I have a million mini post in my head that I haven't bothered writing because they didn't seem long enough or interesting enough on their own. hooray for bleating! Or Bleeting. Or both!

EmmaK said...

Kelloggsville....ooh you are a devil. I had forgotten about Twiglets! Now you've started me craving them. Should I do home made ones like Mr Bean who got some twigs and smeared them in marmite? Any port in a storm!!

Electro-Kevin said...

We have some well preserved grey women around here and they look yummy. Not in all cases though. A consultation is required from someone who knows what they're doing.

Mrs E-K looks like a younger Helen Mirren sometimes.

Getting older is a bitch though. I'm getting Mrs E-K that short pleated skirt and knee socks before the fantasy becomes a bit inappropriate.

EmmaK said...

Heather...
Bloody genius!! I will just go through customs in a bikini with a huge suitcase stuffed with Branston Pickle.

Glad to have given you a new addiction....once you start bleating you can't stop....or hang on is that Pringles?

EmmaK said...

Electro-Kevin....Alas, aging is a bitch. When I was younger I wished for bigger breasts. Now I thank God I only have the medium ones or they'd be round my ankles! As for legs thankfully mine are in pretty good nick and I can still do the school girl look if the mood strikes!!

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I thought grey hair was on-Trend At The minute? I pull mine out with tweezers.

I Shall Enjoy my Bleating, Or Baying in My Case.

xl said...

I don't care what color my hair turns as long as it stays put!

Nicole MacDonald said...

If it makes you feel any better I got my first white hair at 6... been dying my hair since I was 15 because it was necessary ;p

BirthRight The Arrival, on Amazon 1.1.2011
www.damselinadirtydress.com

Steve said...

Does Helen Mirren bleet? That's the question on my mind. I bet she does and more power to her elbow, I say.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

That Urban dictionary definition of Bleet was fascinating - who knew that was part of foreplay, I thought when men did that they'd missed the target!
By the way, this post is going to get some fabulous search results: penis, vagina, dick (in tins), nob (in caramel), poo and nut.

Expat mum said...

Just got back from Cost Plus/World Market with - three Cadbury's selection boxes, Hob Nobs, McVities chocolate digestives, a box of Roses (a gift for someone) - none of it made in Canada. Also, Branston pickle, Bisto, and HP Sauce. No Marmite unfortunately but still....Score!

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

This is certainly a job for Mrs Winterpepper, me thinks.

Question- what the frog is spotty dick? Do you actually eat it? Good grief.

Oh, and I want to stab iCarly and all her ADD tendencies. That is all.

Clyde said...

Bleat about a few greys---if you were a man the bleat would be that the hair had stopped growing on top of your head and was appearing from every visible orifice

EmmaK said...

Lori@RRSAHM.....I look forward to Miss Winterpepper letting it rip! Well spotty dick is usually called spotted dick and it is a traditional British sponge pudding made with golden syrup, suet and raisins. Best served hot with custard
http://www.englishteastore.com/cak004.html

EmmaK said...

Expat Mum...you have lucked out! I do know a place I can get Branston Pickle it's just can I be arsed driving for half an hour just to satiate a craving for pickled vegetables in a spicy brown sauce? The answer is probably yes ...

EmmaK said...

Steve....I'm just trying to remember ...wasn't bleeting called frottage back in the old days of 'heavy petting' or am I getting mixed up?? Oh and I'm sure Helen has bleeted in her time.

Bill Quango MP said...

I was called a 'little bleater' only yesterday.
I am now doubly offended. Or maybe only half as offended. i'm not sure.

I have bought Ms Quango {age 7} the I-Carly backdrop stage for Christmas.
Much screeching anticipated.

There's something rather knowing about your blog. The Word verification today is MINGE.

London City Mum said...

Does Helen Miren eat Branston Pickle? Maybe she could pop over and bring you some, and some classy tips on how to cope with greying hair at the same time.

Double whammy!

Bleat that.

LCM x

ck said...

#kidstelevision Good for you! I was pleasantly surprised this Christmas season when we reaped the first overtly HUGE benefits of disconnecting cable and viewing Netflix only: No laundry list of Christmas wants. Now, if only Netflix would add more movies/kids shows to their streaming offerings...

Metropolitan Mum said...

You are a natural!! xx

Notes to self plus two said...

Hey I had a little bleat via VegemiteVix here http://www.notestoselfplustwo.com/2010/12/subscribe-to-my-blog-and-win-liz-earle-body-cream.html (missed the mclinky)
... btw, my blog has moved to www.notestoselfplustwo.com - hate to lose you as a reader and I have added you to my new blogroll .

Little comp for those that re-subscribe and make me feel less lonely on my new url ;-)
http://www.notestoselfplustwo.com/2010/12/subscribe-to-my-blog-and-win-liz-earle-body-cream.html
Happy Christmas x

Glen said...

You think you have problems - I'm clinging on desperately to the last few threads of hair on my head and even those plucky buggers are letting me down by turning Grey. It just isn't right

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

RE: #GoingGrey I am also going grey with reckless abandon. So much so that I can no longer just pluck the little infidels from my head or I would end up half bald. Which is a fate worse than greyness I do believe. Thankfully I haven't yet gone grey down under. Because when that happens I may just have to risk chemical vagnia burns and give it a color boost regardless of the potentially catastrophic damage to my ladybits.

mrshev.com said...

Oh, Branston Pickle - how I miss thee...

I hanker after pickle, Yorkshire Tea and Marmite though I have just discovered an aisle anglais at my local Carrefour that sells Marmite, Bisto and Pot Noodle - and that's it. No wonder the French think we're culinary savage, with that mix on offer.

Going grey sucks. I think the nail in the coffin will be first grey pubic hair. But dying hair is equally sucky.

River said...

Branston Pickle is available in the very small British section at the end of aisle 3 in the supermarket I work in. In Adelaide, South Australia. How soon can you get here? Ha Ha.

The first grey hairs are wiry, but after about three years they settle to a normal hair texture. I noticed an improvement in texture within 3 months of stopping the hair dye.

northernmum said...

Can i have a copy of the lardarse book?

#bleating - you should sell this set up as a competitior to twitter???

Jane

www.northernmum.wordpress.com

Glowless said...

I too was born to bleat! I've often wondered how celebs can be fat whilst having a personal assistant do their shopping and a chef cook their meals... do they get the chauffeur to go through Maccas drivethru?

Sim said...

You only need worry when the grey hairs start showing up eleswhere. Then the grey temples will be positively distinguished.

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