Five Things I Don't Want My Children To Know About Me

Well today I am joining in Notes From Home's carnival to reveal Five Things I Don't Want My Children To Know About Me. Only five? Well there's many more than that, for sure, but here goes:

There is such a thing as Free Chocolate - but such an offer is rife for abuse

1. I was a chocolate thief. Aged fourteen I worked a Saturday job in a pretentious hand made chocolate shop in Hampstead where chocolate ran out of pipes in the back room, very much like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I think the owner said I could have a chocolate 'now and again.' I'm not sure what he was thinking. Firstly I gave 'samples' of the chocs to any pal of mine who came in the shop. Then, alas, I got greedy and started pilfering chocolates at the end of the day. In fact one day I stuffed my anorak full of them and left a Hansel and Gretel trail of them to the Tube. I believe that incident had some part to play in me being fired from that job.

2. I could have been an adult star. Aged fifteen I worked at a delicatessen on Saturdays slicing sausages and selling expensive cheeses. The proprietor had a penchant for employing young nubile teenagers and, it goes without saying was a lecherous old git with a gut and combover. One evening after work he asked me if I'd like to earn some extra money. I said yeah okay, what do I have to do? He said he had some 'special film cameras' at home and asked if I wanted to be an actress in one of his films, 'a little nudity but nothing too outrageous.' I politely declined. I wasn't that hard up. All the other girls who worked there laughed about it, they'd all been asked but as far as I know had all declined his 'tempting offer.'

3. I have almost taken acid. No this is the beauty of this, I can actually tell me kids that, heaven's forbid I have never taken acid. I am to acid what Woody Allen is to cocaine. Remember that scene in Annie Hall where he snorts it and sneezes. Hysterical, what? Well that's a bit like me and acid. I have been offered acid on numerous occasions - at parties and clubs. And every time I've said, 'Oh thanks very much' and accidentally dropped it on the floor, and scrambled about in vain trying to find it. It is quite a relief I never actually took it as I'm the kind of person who starts tripping on a spoonfull of Nyquil (UK Night Nurse).

4. I served greenfly salad. When I was sixteen I worked on Saturdays in the kitchen of quite a fancy restaurant making the salads. As I was usually hungover I couldn't really be bothered to wash the salad and it often went out covered in greenfly. I think only once someone did complain. For reasons I won't go into the staff at this place were particularly slack and that's why I didn't get fired from that job.

5. I was a Terrible Temp. I once worked in a temping job in my twenties which was well paid but they hardly ever gave me anything to do. So one Friday morning I came in, signed my time sheet indicating I'd worked until 5pm, faxed it to the agency, then went home and went to bed. I was awoken by the ringing of the telephone at home - the supervisor at the office wanted to know where I was. So I got up, got dressed, went to the office and pretended I'd been in the bog for three hours. I think we both know how that particular story ended. Suffice to say I didn't get away with my scam. I wasn't fired by the Temp Agency though, which was odd to say the least.

So what about you. Spill the beans. And join in too why don't you?



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