In times of economic uncertainty when many of us are trying to sell houses that no one wants inevitably reflections turn inwards. Have you ever stopped to think what you: all your muscle, flab, experience, sexual prowess, lack of sexual prowess, stretch marks, personality, cankles or not etc would add up to on the open market?
In one of the supreme ironies of life when we are young and our bodies are near perfect we are a bit inhibited and our self confidence is low. I remember a time and this is pretty hard for me to remember since I now have a voice like a fog horn and could talk the hind legs of a donkey but I was inhibited in my teens. I had a crush on one of my friend's brother's friends who was and still is absolutely gorgeous and in three years of bumping into him at nightclubs I was tongue tied and managed maybe twenty words. I think he managed about ten too including telling my friend that "Emma is hot." Meanwhile I had not any saggy flesh on my whole body. I had breasts that were pert! Nipples that faced East not South! But there's no point crying about spilt cellulite. Admittedly I was probably not the sexual goddess I am today since 'sex' was limiting to fumbling about on the tops of coats at parties or the back of a car but still I am pretty sure I am worth more today than I was then.
Romina over at Martyrhood assessed her own assets or lack of them by comparing herself to a house ie. How would you present yourself in today's market? Would you make any home renovations or market yourself as a "fixer upper"?
Well in that instance I'd be:
Gorgeous old property, many original features, only a few previous owners, breasts could be lifted to make a lovely patio area. Garden well groomed - no ingrown hairs! This property has been lovingly maintained, moisturized and toned in the gym. Drawbacks are a little flab around the middle but this could easily be remedied with a course of Pilates. This house likes a laugh and is a very cheap date. Two drinks and it is legless. Could do with a lick of paint and a new roof but otherwise this is move in ready!
On the open market as a house I could easily fetch $500,000
But what if I compared myself to a high class prostitute?
Mature MILF available for entertaining evenings and sleepless nights. Tired of shelling out money at overpriced drinking clubs and paying through the nose for champagne just to talk to a 'model'? This lady will tell bawdy jokes after just two gin and tonics. Drawbacks include a propensity to laugh if you have a small penis but just keep your pants on until the final moment to avoid hysteria. May have problems staying up post ten pm but can be kept going my copious amounts of cholestrol rich food.
Worth as high class prostitute: I reckon I could charge $3,000 a night apart from the fact I wouldn't be able to stomach (pun intended) any guy with a gut.
What if I compared myself to another housewife? Hmm, this will require all my copywriting skills.
Housewife X is a sturdy little number who will leave your home in tip top shape. She doesn't promise to get into all those dirty corners or dust those hard to reach your shelves. But your house will look considerably cleaner after Housewife X has shoved all your belongings under the bed or into any available cupboard before settling down with The Daily Mirror, a nice cup of coffee and a handful of your Hob Nobs. Her culinary skills are fine if you provide all the ingredients but she can't usually be arsed to go to the supermarket. One of her famous culinary shortcuts is 'bunging something in the microwave.' This funloving Housewife X will leave your house scented with her perfume and your fridge bare.
Worth as housewife: $300 per week.
So what are YOU worth? You can write a post on it if you wish. But first I will tag:
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?