Dieting For Dummies

Please don't groan .... I'm on a diet.

I've never actually been on a diet before and at 40 I think that qualifies me as the only female in the western world who falls in that category (Guiness Book of Records please note, I am available for publicity if you need me).

But recently the flab hit the fan or rather I couldn't zip up my pants anymore even when lying down, so I figured it was time to finally take the bull by the cream horns. But what diet to try, that was the million dollar question. Of course I've observed a lot of people being on diets but God, doesn't it all seem a bit complicated? My friend Jill who's on Weightwatchers has some app on her phone and every time she eats anything she types it in and it converts it into points. "But fruit is no points," she tells me "and cabbage is negative points." Or something. I have absolutely no idea what she was talking about. All I know about points is that Sir Brucie Forsyth used to yell "What do points make?" and the audience would yell back, "Prizes!!!!" on Play Your Cards Right and if you were lucky you'd win some trashy Plether three piece suite or if you were really lucky even a car. But with Weighwatchers you don't win anything except a headache and you have to be constantly vigilant of yourself and constantly convert yourself into points. I knew I couldn't be arsed with that.

Then there's Atkins which involves quaffing vast amounts of sausages, and the South Beach Diet which isn't as good as it sounds and in fact doesn't mean you swan about at a spa on a beach receiving massage from lovely pool boys while effortlessly shedding your inhibitions along with the pounds. But whichever way you slice the cake doing a diet on your own means a lot of palaver involving buying food, preparing food and weighing food. And basically having more food around than you need or can resist. Without any self control you are toast.

And since I don't have any self control I was limited in my dietary choices. So what diet am I on then, I'm sure you're dying to know! Well for a week now I've been on this diet where you pick up all your refrigerated meals from the gym. They give you three meals at 1600 calories a day and you just microwave them and that's it!!! There was also a 1200 calorie plan but come on I'm not a sado masochist! I mean yes I'm a saddo but not a masochist. The food is delicious and not even that expensive. It is an amazing thing. It is the sort of diet that is good for me because I know I can only eat 'what's in the box' and that everything else is out of bounds.

The downside is I have gone a bit manic and become a trifle obsessed with food. We recently acquired two guinea pigs and sometimes I do find myself staring at their lettuce leaf enticingly and thinking, "Should I grab that when no one's looking? It's only got a couple of bites taken out of it. It'll be fine." But then I give myself a good telling off and take my hand out of  the cage before any damage is done.

Other than that it's working a dream. I'm not sure how long I'll be on it. I guess 'til I hit my target weight (a month or two I'm guessing).

What about you? Have you ever found a diet that worked? If so do spill the beans and pass some over (liberally doused in tomato sauce of course).

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