Monday, December 19, 2011

Revolting Resolutions!

As this alcoholic squirrel will testify - The desire to change may be strong but the flesh is sometimes weak

New Year’s Resolutions. You’ve gotta love ‘em haven’t you? They’re basically just another opportunity for us to set ourselves up to fail, one more reason for us to hate ourselves.

I have in the past made New Year’s resolutions that I’ve actually kept, like in 2008 when I resolved to read 100 books in the year. I made it to 104 in the end, although that did include quite a few very slim volumes, and a few Nancy Drew books. It definitely counts though, Nancy Drew gets herself involved in some pretty intense mysteries you know.

Most of the time though, the ‘get thin and fit’ type resolutions never happen – the lure of Sky+ and the biscuit tin for some unfathomable reason being stronger than the lure of getting sweaty and out of breath in a dank, poorly lit room, with a group of chubby strangers. Funny that.

So, this year, how about going all out? You know you’re going to fail anyway, so at least be ambitious about it. Here are my top three resolution suggestions:

Lose three stone

Already only nine stone? Sod it, everyone wants to be a size zero don’t they? Resolve to eat the following daily diet, and by the end of the year you too could be unattractively bony and suffering from an eating disorder:

• Breakfast – half a grapefruit and three blueberries.

• Lunch – Chew half a sandwich and then spit it in the bin.

• Dinner – Glance in the direction of a tuna steak. Not for long though.

• Snack – Half a dozen post-it notes

Become super intelligent and interesting

We all know it, but just don’t want to admit it – Legally Blond = Bad, Boring subtitled film about the plight of shrimp in Argentina = Good. Make this the year you become all worldly and knowledgeable, with my foolproof plan:

Carry a copy of the Financial Times or the Economist under your arm at all times. Make sure it is folded open at an interesting article, to give the impression you were in the middle of reading it when you were interrupted by a Very Important Call.

Snort derisively at the mention of Strictly Come Dancing, X-Factor or Eastenders.

Shake your head in a cynical, if-only-you-knew kind of way every time someone talks to you about politics, the economy or the environment. This will create an impressive air of mystery and superiority. Try to imply by the way you raise your eyebrows that you may be a spy/national newspaper editor/secret Government consultant.

Stick to this and by the end of the year you should be able to answer at least 20% of the questions on University Challenge. Result.

Become an Olympic gold medallist

How many of you have joined a gym in January, only to give up after your third or fourth visit? It could be because you’re setting your sights too low, and are lacking motivation. Perhaps you need to consider aiming higher, and becoming an Olympic gold medallist?

There’s never been a better time to launch a career in sport in the UK – with the Olympics all set to bankrupt us next summer, at least you’ll not have to fork out too much in the way of travel expenses.

Picking a sport is the first step. I’d avoid athletics if I were you, as some of those runners are really fast, and you’d probably get left behind. I’ve had a look at the list of events for 2012 and think something like archery or show jumping would be your best bet. Or perhaps BMX?

Yes, there are cynics who’ll say you’ve probably left it a bit late to start your training, but what do they know? You just have to believe in yourself. You can do it!

This guest post was brought to you by the lovely Jo at Slummy Single Mummy. You can also follow her on twitter here.

As for me - I did resolve to be less vain last year but it has to be said it was a monumental failure. I have a wonderful new hair stylist called Danny who does my highlights who is the closest I will ever come to finding religion - Danny you are my hero! I am also still obsessed with having my nails done in every kind of new fangled design under the sun and have just had my nails decorated with tiny snowmen and snowflakes:

Is it wrong to thrive on long martini lunches, shopping with pals, reading chick lit, buying high heeled shoes and gossiping about who's had a facelift? No, it isn't. I can't do it any more. Can't keep up the pretence of being an intellectual. Like Jo, I can't pretend to be interested in really boring Ingmar Bergman movies or reading Booker Prize tomes where nothing happens apart from someone washes their hands and watches a snowflake settle on the nose of a cat as a metaphor for the war in Iraq.

Enough of this madness! I am GOING VAIN in 2012. That's not the same as Sarah Palin's claim to be GOING ROGUE. If I can give her some advice it would be to start GOING ROUGE instead. Put down your elk blasting gun this Christmas Sarah and dab a little festive pink on your cheeks - you'll feel so much better, trust me!

But in my attempt at GOING VAIN let's hope I don't tumble from kitsch into the territory of bad taste. My snowmen nails are only the start. I fear it is only a matter of time before I don one of those reindeer sweaters with flashing lights on them that seem to be something of a hit around here. Please pray for me that I don't take it too far.....

So dish it. What about you? Are you doing a list of resolutions this year or simply giving them a two fingered salute?



Gorilla Bananas said...

My New Year's resolution is to ask Pamela Anderson to forgive me for disparaging her titties. If she likes them like that, we should too.

EmmaK said...

Gorilla Bananas....what exactly did you say about her zepellins?

the polish chick said...

i resolve to like myself more, whilst simultaneously resolving to change every little thing about myself. no wonder i drink.

E. said...

I think I fail enough in life so I have given up making New Years resolutions.

I have some to add to your list that might occcur unintentionally. Things like:
Attempt to make the house look like an episode of hoarders,
Feed your children junk food every day for a week before cutting them off it completely to see how long you can last before you give in.
Jump on the trampoline with your children and therefore checking out your bladder control after two children.

I think I might actually achieve at least one of these. Thanks for the laugh.

Steve said...

My New Year resolution is not to over achieve. Yeah. I'm hoping I might keep it this year.

Vicki Psarias said...

Both you ladies made me wee in my pants. So aside from a HUMUNGOUS pack of tena lady or those adult sized nappy things (size 0 of course) I'm with you on the Vain 2012 thingy (all about ME baby)-not feeling those Santa nails though dog (just saying)- will definately be eating post it notes for snacks though. They're only 12 cals each. Totes.

Love HonestMum x

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've called them names liked "over-hyped balloons" and compared them unfavourably with air-bags. For which I'm sorry, Pammie, if you're reading this.

EmmaK said...

Vicki Psarias...Well this is the thing once you have lived in the US for a while you just get sucked into a vortex of kitschy crap. I mean yes when I lived in London I wore black and painted my nails dark purple. But honestly I feel fine these days - a cross between being tacky as hell and sparkly as Dolly Parton's bristols. So there you have it!

EmmaK said...

Gorilla Bananas...I appreciate your honesty but I rather admire Pammy for making millions out of her fun bags. Same goes to Dolly Parton although she seems to have gone a bit far now and I'm amazed she can even walk without keeling over from being top heavy.

EmmaK said... are very brave, I would not jump on the trampoline after two children or there would be a dreadful gushing sound.

Romina Garcia said...

My New Year's resolution will be to finish my novel (it's almost done)and then figure out what the hell to do with it! Also, do something about the PMS. I fear I may actually kill a passing stranger one day.

EmmaK said...

Romina Garcia....I knew one woman who had such bad PMS she kept having kids just to avoid it!! I don't necessarily recommend that approach though!

Can't wait to read your novel and review it on my blog.

Expat mum said...

I have my annual "lady" exam at the end of January where they weigh you - out in the corridor. Fortunately they only mutter the number but it's bad enough. I have about five weeks to lose the same amount of pounds - which everyone knows is possible. So erm, here goes. Well, after NY Eve that is.

PoshBird said...

Fab post ! My resolutions are to drink more and start smoking....I need more pleasures in my life !

A Beer for the Shower said...

Personally, my resolution for this year is an ongoing one. Any year in which I manage once again to stave off liver cirrhosis is a success in my book. Cheers!

EmmaK said...

A Beer for the Shower...good one! do they have non alcoholic lager down under? They have something called Kaliber in the UK but I have never tried it. It is like decaffinated coffee why bother, I mean its not like I drink it for the taste!

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

My resolution is to try to keep on reading books, and watching telly and films, that aren't shite - it seems someone has to. Plus, I genuinely prefer to know about the plight of the Argentine shrimp above the plight of the Kardashian shrimp-brain. Academically, spiritually and physically, the Argentine shrimp has so much more to offer. My other resolution is to close my eyes and wish as hard as possible that Simon Cowell is battered to death by some deranged former Idol/Factor contestant whose life has been a misery ever since he or she was put down and humiliated in front of millions of viewers for the sake of ratings. It's time for a new wave of anti-anti-intellectualism before we drown in melted ice cap. Oh, and Merry Xmas!

Scarlet Blue said...

Yes, I resolve to replace my odd Victorian assemblage of a Christmas tree and replace it with something far more glamorous for next Christmas!!

Have a brilliant time!!


Electro-Kevin said...

Happy Christmas to you and yours


Actually Mummy said...

Ha! I love the diet tips - I am bound to fail at those, and I managed to quit the gym in December so no chance there either!

Just Keepin' It Real, Folks said...

I make New Year's themes instead of resolutions. This year my theme was the old redneck "git 'er dun in twenty, one, one".


EmmaK said...

Just keepin it real folks...ha ha makes me laugh! When I was at school I was in a rap duo and our anthem was 'Get it straight by eighty-eight' I see where you are coming from!