With Valentine's Day just around the corner, it's my belief that we all need to start thinking beyond the usual wilted flowers, novelty teddy bears and satin g-strings. Here are a few suggestions.
1. The Scent of Cumming
I love the smell of Cumming in the morning, don't you? Yes, there's a new fragrance called Cumming on the market, and it smells like, er ... well you'll have to go here to find out.
The fragrance is named after actor Alan Cummings, and maybe it's meant to demonstrate that he has a highly developed sense of irony, but it's still a godawful name, don't you think? Buy it for a lover you're too scared to give the elbow to.
2. Celebrity butt plugs
When you give your beloved a lovingly crafted butt plug replica of her favorite celebrity, it will bring a tear to her eye every time she uses it.
The top sellers are:
* George Dubya Tush
* Smell Gibson (Braveheart Edition)
* Parass Hilton
You can also have a friend, family member, boss or colleague made into your very own butt plug. Truly a gift to treasure.
3. Artificial Foreskins
Is your lover circumsised and wishes he wasn't? Look no further, the Artificial Retractable Foreskin is here.
A new product called Senslip is being marketed as "the world's first ever artificial retractable foreskin for circumcised men."
The company claims that SenSlip will help restore the sensitivity of the penis, and protect the glans from the dryness and chafing caused by constant exposure to, and rubbing against, clothing.
The company's website actually has a video of the foreskin being used (I didn't watch it because I'd just eaten, but please, go right ahead).
And don't take my word for it, there are lots of testimonials about this product including P.L. in Houston who says, "this is bringing my glans back to its former glory. I made a big mistake getting cut in the first place."
4. Pee like a man
As well as a deep and abiding belief that having a penis would make us insanely happy, what many men don't know is that we girls have always had a dream of one day being able to pee standing up, just like a man. This Valentine's Day, why not make your lover's dream a reality with the P-Mate.
Karen Diamond, the President of Go Your Way, the first US distributor of the P-Mate, says...
"This is a revolutionary product that has taken Europe by storm. It allows women to pee standing up, just like the boys, giving a whole new slant on equal rights for women."
And here's a final thought: If we could all pee side by side, wouldn't the world be a better place?
Luci Mcquitty Hindmarsh
5 hours ago