My new friend, Ms. Robinson, recently told me she was going away for a while and would I care to pop onto her blog now and again and scribble a few words on it? Sure, I said, I'd be delighted to.
For those who don't know Ms. Robinson, you must go right over to her blog right now and have a good look round. At first, you may find her place a little unusual, for she writes in the third person. You may find that this method of communicating makes her seem distant, but no, she is simply more self-analytical than most. She does not do what so many bloggers do, which is relay a series of questions like, My cat was just run over, can another ever replace it? or, My husband's run off with my au pair, I don't care so much about the husband but I need to be at work in an hour and who's going to look after the kids? or even, I just had a job interview in which I said 'fuck', do you think I will still get the job? etc. etc.
No, Ms. Robinson has thought about a lot of things and actually has some answers to questions like: Can a woman live without a man? Yes. Can a woman have a one night stand and not give a toss if he rings the next day? Yes (I'm talking about Ms. Robinson here, not me!) Can a woman live without chocolate? No.
Anyway, there I was, getting to know Mr. Robinson these past few weeks. Well, it was all going along quite nicely. And then she goes and leaves me in charge of her blog, and the next thing I know, it's all over the news that she's been kidnapped by aliens, I mean Italians:
Unfortunately, this clip cuts out in the middle, but goes on to say that if you spot Ms. Robinson in peril or being held against her will, you should contact the police immediately.
In my opinion, one of the biggest problems in trying to locate Ms. Robinson is that nobody, including myself, has the foggiest idea what she looks like. Yes, the police have been scouring her blog quite assiduously, indeed many a constable has thoroughly, er, perused her blog. But what use are some photos of a brown eye, some tumbling curls and a nice pair of pins, when trying to find this woman of mystery? When I asked the police what they were looking for, they said they believed her to be between 5 foot 4 and 5 foot 8, with legs up to her armpits and a sensational figure. In my opinion, the police are treating this case as something of a joke, so naturally, I have taken matters into my own hands. I've had a word with my own personal psychic, Madame Sylvia, who has come up with these images of Ms. Robinson and her two Italian friends:
Madame Sylvia's artist's interpretation of Italian 1
Madame Sylvia's artist's interpretation of Italian 2
Madame Sylvia's artist's interpretation of Ms. Robinson
So if you spot this trio anywhere, even if they are just having a quiet pint at your local, please get in touch with the UK constabulary. This is serious. I know that there is only so long that Ms. Robinson is going to enjoy being tied up by those two Italian lads .... I need you to keep your eyes peeled and report any sightings on this blog.
In case anyone thinks this is a joke, it is most definitely not. Imagine how scared Ms. Robinson must be, locked in a room with these two heinous cads. She may well, at this moment, be being forced to lick ice cream off their naked skin or being coerced into performing unspeakable tricks with Ferrero Rochers.
I am sure she would like to be found, because she is probably sticky and pretty exhausted by now. So please, keep your eyes peeled.
Ranting with The Lounge
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