Friday, November 21, 2008

Gingerbread Lady

Let's just put it this way, I have a problem with candy. A few years ago I bought one of those huge Easter baskets for a friend's kid two weeks before Easter and had eaten all the candy without really knowing what I was doing in a kind of candy trance. All that was left in the end was the basket and the cellophane.

So yesterday I'm at my daughter's school participating in one of those 'observe the lessons without nodding off' sort of shenanigans and while I was helping my daughter make a teepee out of felt a woman came up to me. She was flushed and dizzy with excitement as if she'd just had a roll in the hay with Steven Tyler.

She said, "I'm Jenny Jackanapes [not her real name] and I'm organizing the Christmas Bazaar. I'm just so excited about the Christmas Bazaar, aren't you?"

I looked behind me to see if she was talking to someone else but she wasn't.

"Well, it certainly sounds like it will be fun!" I said, trying to look excited.

"It will be!" Jenny said. "And basically I need volunteers to help out and I think you'd be perfect helping the kids make the gingerbread houses."

I was going to say, "Hey lady, I could help you with the houses but I'd probably eat every bit of candy not to mention every chocolate button and scraping of frosting," but instead I said, "Great I'll do it."

My daughter Sausage has a similar problem with candy. Like if if its not glued down she'll eat eat. Actually scratch that. When she was three she came home with a picture of a snowman which had marshmallows glued onto it and two minutes later she'd eaten the marshmallows off the picture.

So here I go. I don't know how Jenny's going to react when I come to volunteer for Gingerbread House duty wearing a Silence of the Lambs mask though.

Have you had any out of control food experiences and what's the one food you have to be physically restrained from devouring?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


While most of you enjoyed the massive Obamagasm that throbbed through the world last Tuesday and are now basking in the afterglow smoking a post-coital cigarette, we parents are left sitting on politically correct minefields that are just waiting to go off.

Just yesterday I had to weather this conversation:

Scarlett (7): "Mom, did you know that Obama is the first Native-American in the White House?"

Me: "No, he's not a Native-American, he's an African-American. Native-Americans are those people who ..." were brutally massacred and stripped of their land by, can't say that .... live in reservations and have alcohol problems "have feathers in their hair and live in wigwams."

Scarlett: "Mom, you don't know what you're talking about. What's a wigwam?"

Me: "No, hang on, I don't think they call them wigwams anymore. I think they're now called teepees."

Sausage (5): "Mom, we saw a picture of Obama at school today. Is he a brown man?"

Me: "Well, actually he's black."

Sausage: "But he's brown!"

Me: (Trying to change subject) "Did you think he was handsome?"

Sausage: "No. But mommy, he's not black, he's brown."

Me: "Look, I know he doesn't look black but he is black, okay? Sometimes people can look pretty white but are actually black."

Sausage: "Like Michael Jackson?"

Me: "Exactly!"

Friday, November 07, 2008

I Wanna Make You Felt Good

Like you, I have battled with my weight. I'd tried all the usual avenues, like sanitized tapeworms which left me thin, yes, but with the side effects of anaemia and scabs all over my body.

I also wore the revolutionary French weight loss underpants for ten years. The granny pants, which covered me from waist to knee, eliminated toxins and cellulite so that in very little time I had dropped pounds. Unfortunately, the wearing of these knickers also hastened the loss of my first husband Gunther's libido. Indeed, Gunther left me for a fat woman who wore thongs (go figure) and I am now on hubby number two and thankful to say that YES! I have now found an eating plan that works without side effects like anal leakage that make most diet pills well, so messy. My plan is called The Felt Good Diet and this diet means I can eat what I like whenever I like. And for only $456.99 plus shipping and handling I will send you this revolutionary diet book, but first, let me give you the highlights!

Basically, in a nutshell, I eat a lot of fibre on this diet.

"Roughly speaking," says my chum Dr Jibberwooky of the University of Lilliput, "the more fibre, protein and water a food contains, the longer it will satisfy you - so the higher the SI, the better. We call it SI to confuse people but its basically a Satiety Index (see below). The index ranks foods according to their ability to a) satisfy your hunger, while b) keeping your appetite at bay. White bread (with a Satiety Index [SI] of 100) is the standard against which all other foods are compared. Satiety or satisfaction describes how long a particular food will keep you going before you feel hungry."

Croissant 47
Cake 65
Doughnut 68
White Bread 100
Cornflakes 118
Jelly beans 118
Wholegrain bread 154
Porridge 209
White fish 225
Potatoes 323
Wool 412
Clay 554
Felt 633

"High fibre foods are best because fibre expands in the gut, acting like a sponge, absorbing and holding on to water as it passes through the body, helping you feel full. In general, fruit and vegetables, wholegrain foods, legumes and nuts are excellent. Fibre also increases your chewing time, which gives your body time to register that you're feeling fuller - so you will stop eating sooner," says Dr Jaberwooky.

And by quickly perusing this table I think the results speak for themselves. What could have more fibre in it than felt? Yeah, I said felt. Another food that has a lot of fibre in it is clay. And don't get me started on wool. All are good, healthy and delicious foods that will make you lose weight in a flash.

Eat Whatever You Like Whenever You Like

Can you imagine sinking your teeth into this juicy felt burger?

Or what about sucking on this chicken leg? It's finger licking good.

These muffins with satiate your sweet craving, even though they're made of clay!

Have knitted toast, any time of the day or night.

Don't delay, send off for my book today and soon you'll be looking and feeling great like me:

What are you waiting for! Order The Felt Good Diet plan today!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Remember You're A Womble

I've been tagged by Scottish sex god Inchy to do this meme and because he once posted some pics of himself in kinky boots as a special favor to me, I will. He asks, name your most embarrassing record/cd/track ever?

To which my only reply is, where do I start and where do I end? I have very corny tastes in music indeed. I like pop music with a good tune, and I'm not ashamed to say I love Abba in a non-ironic way.

Now, I don't have an iPod and wouldn't know what to do with one, or more likely would drop it down the toilet by accident. I will always be loyal to vinyl and think CDs are an aesthetic abomination, thus I only have maybe ten. And all the albums and singles I own are currently stored in my husband's parents garage in Ireland, so its safe to say I don't actually listen to anything I once had. There is a ray of hope though for Luddites like me who do not want to get into bed with the iPod. I believe some record companies have actually started producing vinyl again so I live in hope that record players will make a comeback too.

But casting my mind back, some people might say that the most embarrassing record I have is a Wombles album, but I still maintain that they were kind of cool. I saw the Wombles live when I was five and went crazy for them. They were years ahead of their times: furry eco-freaks who collected rubbish on Wimbledon Common for reasons best known to themselves. So maybe that album isn't the most embarrassing.

A strong contender is a single I bought, Save All Your Kisses For Me by The Brotherhood of Man, which is a love song to a three year old. Tragically, this still makes me tear up when I hear it because I remember vividly how I was always singing it when I was five. But I suppose you could say it is atrocious, especially the guys' outfits.

Other than that, I guess the worst song I have is one on the compilation album Now that's What I call Music, No. 1 from 1983, Will Powers' Kissing With Confidence which sounds like a bunch of caterwauling cats:

The terrible lyrics include:

You may also find yourself worrying about what will happen once you are in the act of kissing. Will your stomach growl? Will your braces lock? Will you be able to prolong the kiss and still breathe?

Will I spoil it with my overbite?
Will our noses bump in the moonlight?
When our lips meet, will they fit right?

I have to be honest, I have never worried about kissing anyone for the first time. I suppose, that is because I was usually mildy inebriated.

I now tag Clyde, Scarlet Blue, Electro-Kev, fingers and VE.