Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Is Brad Pitt the pits?

I know Smellorama has been around for donkey's years but I was quite intrigued by the fact that they now call it Odorama and that an Odorama version of cute 80s comedy Gregory's Girl was recently screened in Edinburgh and that some of the smells were bad ones.

In the Odorama screening of Gregory's Girl (check out the mullets!) cards with eight smells on them were handed out. The smells of freshly cut grass, sweaty socks and teenage aftershave then wafted out during the screening.

I would have loved to have been there - it would have brought all the memories of teenage snogging rushing back. Remember ladies if you will the amount of aftershave some teenage lads used to wear - remember going in for a snog and finding that your eyes were watering because your date was drenched not only in acne medication (which I must confess to this day has peculiar erotic associations for me but that's between me and my therapist) but also in a full bottle of either Old Spice or Brut the smell of which was as pungent as cat pee?

Remember the tagline for Brut: "Apply a little Brut Force." You'd never get away with that today. How the mighty have fallen eh? Now Gazza drinks the stuff.

Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if eventually Odorama became ubiquitous and TV and movies smelt as if you were there? Now that would be great in a film like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which would have me licking the screen and later making frenzied love to a (consenting) Mars Bar.

But what about the actors in the movies? Wouldn't it ruin the fantasy if we actually knew what they smelt like? If you were right up there in Brad Pitt's armpit while he was shagging some willing lovely would you gag at the scent of his terrible BO? I reckon Odorama would be a turn off because Brad Pitt is someone who always looks like he reeks of pheromones - in a bad way.

Other stinky celebs include Matthew McConaughey a self confessed stink bomb and beach bum who sees deodorant as the enemy. He wouldn’t even break the ban when his “Fool’s Gold” co-star, Kate Hudson, complained about his body odor. “She always brings a salt rock, which is some natural deodorant, and says, 'Would you please put this on?’” But her efforts were in vain. “I just never wore it," said Stink Boy McConaughey. "No cologne, no deodorant.” In fact, Matthew defends himself by insisting no other co-stars ever mentioned it!

Here is a list of other stinky celebs and their signature scents:

Colin Farrell: Stale Guinness, fags, vomit
Amy Winehouse: Ashtray, crack pipe
Bono: His shit stinks like everyone elses
Bruce Springsteen: Stale sweat, cheesy foreskin
Johnny Depp: Dead man smell on a musty thrift store coat
Kate Moss: Fags, morning after sewer breath

So do you think we are ready to see more movies in Odorama? What about the 2009 movie Manure featuring Billy Bob Thorton about a manure salesman in which "every surface, from the crops in the earth to the clouds in the sky, has been carefully color-graded and painted the appropriate shade of excrement." Just think if they could have just added the scent of fresh shit too, it would have been a big shit at the box office I'm sure.

And now tell me this: Which celebrities do you think smell the worst and also what movie done in Odorama would make you gag or tremble with delight?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Feck Off and Show Us Your Cankles

If you are bald you can wear a hat or get Elton John style hair plugs. If you have love handles you can become an anorexic. If you have a face like a pug you can get surgery. If you are 600lb you can get your stomach stapled.

But what do you do if you have CANKLES??? (for those still living in 1965 that means when your calf runs into your ankle and has no definition).

Now I don't have cankles, in fact I have very nice ankles. But what exactly do you do if you have cankles?

Do you just ignore the fact that you have lumps of meat attached to your knees? Or do you wear flared trousers year round? I'm really interested in this and urge any cankle sufferers to let me know how they deal with this problem.

July is Cankles Awareness Month and Gold's Gym has taken this special opportunity to offer pointless classes that will get rid of Cankles on their rather daft site, Say No To Cankles and offer this rather silly fashion advice for Canklettes:

-Look for pants in soft fabrics like cotton or poly blends that drape loosely around the ankle. Skinny jeans, which bunch at the ankle, are a no-no.

-Choose cropped or slightly tapered pants that cuff just past the fullest part of the ankle. These will draw the eye to the thinnest part of the ankle.

-Avoid shoes with ankle straps; these only make the ankle look bigger and the leg shorter. Opt instead for wedges and platform sandals that will create a long, lean silhouette. For fall, invest in dark-colored and tight-fitting boots.

-At the gym, wear bright sneakers to draw attention away from the ankle. Sports socks that reach only to the rim of the sneaker will create longer leg lines.

They may as well tell women to wear a burka!

Feck Off you Fecker!

And what about the new physical problem 'the Feck' which is the merging of the words 'face' and 'neck' to describe someone who has little or no chin/jawline definition. Are you a Fecker?

If so, I'm pretty sure you can get fleeced for only a few thousand for a Neck Lift to cure this problem. I read some plastic surgeon's site recently that said that "a neck lift can make a dramatic difference in facial appearance. Small-incision surgery allows recontouring of the neck with minimal downtime under twilight anesthesia. The neck lift is ideal for treating people with conditions such as turkey wattle neck and excess fat, but who are not bothered by jowls and cheek contour problems."

Does your wattle wobble when you waddle? We can help for $5000

Sure I'm laughing at the misfortunes of others but seriously doesn't it make you feel better that you don't have a feck, cankles or a turkey wattle neck? It makes me feel like Heidi fricken Klum let me tell you!

So have I cheered you up and made you feel more physically blessed or do you have one part of your anatomy that you would happily take a chainsaw to?

Friday, July 03, 2009

Tango Time

Now back in the USA and what a strange sensation. I feel exactly like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she segues from the black and white start of the movie and wakes up in technicolor Munchkin Land. Because in Buenos Aires most people wear black, the vast majority of people have black hair, the buildings are mostly black and white, the smog from the traffic grimes everything dark, and it was winter and thus foggy and rainy. So it was a real shocker getting back to the USA and everything so clean, colorful and sunny, a dazzling assault on the senses. Buenos Aires is a slightly melancholy place it is true but I still love it.

On our arrival in Buenos Aires there was the slight indignity of being handed facemasks as we got off the plane. "Who do you think I am, Michael Jackson?" Emma asked which now seems like a joke in stunningly bad taste. After that the tour of Argentina hit all the right notes with Emma ....

This was the beautiful apartment we stayed in:

Going up in the funny lift:

Great cookies

Lots of jews so you need a Kosher McDonalds in Buenos Aires

Sausage as Bluebeard says: "I demand to have a kosher Big Mac or I will put a curse on you!"

Doing the tango

Girl drinking matte

Beautiful buildings and street markets selling funny junk

Dog walkers take twenty dogs at a time

Went to an artist's atelier and painted a portrait of Scarlett

Boat trip on Delta del Tigre river

Don't cry for me Argentina ...I'll be back. SOB.