Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Happy Stalkers Day!

Not a lot of people know this but Hallmark has declared today as 'Stalkers Day'. This is a day in which we celebrate the brave men and women who have laid down their lives to stalk celebrities and in some cases normal people like you and me. They risk being made fun of by the media, as well as incarceration and life sentences in mental hospitals because they simply didn't understand that 'piss off' actually meant 'piss off.'

Celebrities like to pay lip service to their right to privacy but when it comes to status you haven't really made it until you have your own stalker. For a start you get huge amounts of publicity as the colorful tale is aired on every Network about how someone regularly entered your house and rifled through your underpants.

I am embarassed to say that as far as I know I have never had a stalker. I think it's because I never give guys a chance and I am never nice. There was one guy I dated who phoned up a year after we broke up and said he was "still kind of pissed off at the way things ended." Well Mike you shouldn't have sent that letter to me copied from a German porn mag with your and my names inserted as the protaganists. Unfortunately I did not get off on "steck deine Bratwurst in meine Scheide. Ich moechte viel Geschlechtsverkehr mit dir erleben. Oh Mike! Spiele mit meinem Klitzer bis ich explodiere!!" [note to readers it is funny to put that in the online translator - to save you time I have put the translation here: "put your sausage in my scabbard. I would like to experience a lot of sexual intercourse with you. Oh Mike! Plays with my Klitzer to me explodes!!"]

The closest I myself have got to stalking was after I'd broken up with a boyfriend who then moved in with his new girlfriend I'd sometimes phone him and if the girlfriend answered I'd put down the phone. He claimed she knew it was me but I'm not sure how since this was in the days before caller ID. In any case I'm not so sure this was really stalking as this ex-boyfriend and I were also sleeping with each other on the sly but I digress.

Stalking. I don't have the patience. So you want me to sit outside your house in a car with a pair of binoculars staring through your window. Hello! What happens if I need to go for a pee? Do I have to do it in a spare jam jar? I don't think so.

Let's get real here: Stalking is uncomfortable. Stalking is a full time job and I take my hat off to professional stalkers like Ursula Reichert-Habbishaw the 51 year-old mother of four who stalked Richard Gere by phone, fax and email around 1,000 times and showed up at his Greenwich Village office at least 6 times. Why? Because, her words “I want to be with you and share your life.” Luckily Ursula got out of any jail time by taking the next plane home to Germany.

And what about Janet Jackson's stalker Robert Gardner who stalked Janet for nine years, sent her multiple messages and showed up at random events like the 2004 trial for her brother Michael and a Saturday Night Live rehearsal. At the rehearsal, he was caught in possession of a box cutter and a knife. He did it because he believed the two were in a relationship. He finally got the message when Jackson was granted a three-year restraining order.

Hey can't a guy just pray in peace?

The wierdest one is Zack Sinclair who stalked Mel Gibson not because he fancied him but because he was obsessed with the movie The Passion of the Christ. God told the 34 year old drifter from Idaho via his dreams to stalk Mel Gibson.In 2004, he sent multiple letters to Gibson and showed up at his house and church in attempts to pray with the actor. Sinclair was sent to a secure psychiatric facility and given a maximum three-year jail sentence.

These are all great stalkers but frankly I get angry with the sort of stalkers who don't show the proper respect like trainee child psychologist Dawnette Knight who in 2004 sent threatening letters to Catherine Zeta-Jones describing how she would “cut Zeta-Jones into little pieces and feed her to the dogs.” Thankfully Knight was sentenced to three years in jail.

So okay there are a few stalkers who don't deserve to go on the honor roll but there are plenty that do. So please join me tonight at 5pm EST for a minute's silence as we honor these valiant stalkers who have gone mad in the name of love. I hope one day one of them writes a book to share their secrets. But until then I've done my best to compile a guide to Stalking if you are a beginner and want some tips.

Stalking 101

1. Always carry binoculars
2. A threat to 'put your dick through a meat grinder if you don't put it away' may not be an idle one.
3. If underwear is lying on the floor of a celebrity bedroom you are being helpful by taking it home.
4. Before an all night stalking session in your car practice holding your bladder for eight hours on a practice run or things could get smelly.
5. On no account get out of the car and pee in the bushes - this attracts unwanted attention from both the police and the local cat population.
6. Cut roses are an acceptable stalking gift. A cut off finger is not.
7. If he doesn't reply to your thousandth email he is just playing hard to get.
8. 'Piss off and don't ever darken my door again,' means 'I love you but I just don't know it yet.'
9. It is not innapropriate to ask someone to marry you who you have never even said hi to let alone kissed. It is in fact the essence of romance.
10. Celebrities enjoy getting personal gifts like cushions stuffed with your pubic hair or jewelry made from your toenail clippings - go that extra mile if you really want to get noticed.

Any more stalking tips?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Making Money Hand Over Cyst

Hmm, let me just take a good look at these lumps

I am a notorious skinflint. I will buy a two for one offer even if I don't need the item on sale. And although I try and avoid doctors I recently found myself at a dermatologists because my daughter was covered in a measle like rash and no one seemed to want to invite her to play at their house any more. After an hour or so waiting in his consultation room while my kids trashed the room, blew up some gloves and made the chair zoom up and down, Dr Clown decided to honor us with his presence. He looked at my daughter's lumps and told me cheerfully, "Not much we can do. It is called molluscum and will clear up in about five years time. In the meantime, don't worry about it."

Eventually I strong armed him into giving me some medicine for the molluscum and then I thought, while I'm here why don't I get a two for one and get him to look at this huge cyst I have on my head.

I said, "Hey Dr Clown, see this lump? Can I get it removed?"

He looked at my scalp and said, "Oh yes, it is a benign pilar cyst and I can cut it right off. Just arrange a date for surgery with the nurse."

So first of all I tried the medicine on my daughter for a month and the molluscum didn't clear up so I got something off the internet which did clear it up. So he was totally useless once. But he was to be useless many times more.

Secondly I arrived for surgery on the date the nurse had booked to be told by Dr Clown that he couldn't do surgery today because he had to do a consultation first. I said, "But you told me it was a benign pilar cyst and that I needed to come in today for surgery."

He laughed and said, "Well let me look at this. It is I believe a benign pilar cyst and we need to schedule surgery."

So good for him, like a lawyer he was all about billable hours. So while I thought I had gotten a two for one he had actually charged me for a 'consultation' I didn't need. Wait it gets better. Then he actually schedules the surgery and cuts the benign pilar cyst off. A day later Dr Clown called me up and asked me how I was feeling and if I needed anything I should call him. I'm still not sure whether that was a come on or whether I will be billed for that call. A few days later I get a letter from Dr Clown saying,"I am sure you will be relieved to find out that after doing a biopsy your tumor was benign." Kerching. Charge for biopsy. Now I know and Dr Clown knows that the cyst had about as much chance of being malignant as if they'd biopsied a chocolate button. But let that never stand in the way of billing patients. And okay it will be covered by insurance but it is still unbelievable.

I avoid doctors like the plague mainly because they will give you any pointless procedure they can think of and then prescribe anything they can get away with. No one should be surprised that Pfizer was just fined
$2.3bn for mispromoting medicines and paying kickbacks to compliant doctors. At least I wasn't.

So far I am doing quite well in avoiding all contact with doctors. The only doctor I have to see is the yearly gyno visit where a man sticks cold metal up my vagina. Apart from that I don't have to visit any doc because I don't take any pills and don't use contraception since my husband had a vasectomy (well what would be the point?)

Have you ever thought about the so called choices doctors offer you and how totally idiotic they really are? Most if not all drugs are effective insofar as they do one thing and then give you a bunch of side effects potentially more hazardous than the original condition.

Take the so called contraceptive choices we have today. They seem to me like something thought up in a Sex Ed Class for seven year olds. Picture the scene if you will.

Teacher: "Now last week we drew a picture of the womb and Johnny correctly put the cervix in the right place. This week we're going to think of ideas for contraception. Now can anyone think of a way we can make a lady not have a baby?"

Johnny:"Me please miss."

Teacher:"Yes Johnny."

Johnny: "Well what about if we gave the lady synthetic hormones so she wouldn't produce any eggs?"

Teacher: "Oh Johnny that's a lovely idea but that would make women lose all their sex drive, feel nauseous, get blood clots, totally mess up their bodies and cause breast cancer not to mention that it isn't terribly effective."

Sally:"But what about if we put something inside the womb like maybe a T shaped bit of plastic! Then the sperm wouldn't imbed because the body would be too busy fighting this plastic thing as if it were an infection."

Teacher:"That's a pretty good idea Sally. A for effort. But that would cause incredibly heavy aned debilitating periods not to mention a higher rate of ectopic pregnancy which means Sally my dear that the fertilized embryo gets imbedded in the fallopian tube causing you to die."

Penny:"Miss! Miss! What about a condom, like a plastic sheath with the inside smeared with nonoxynol-9?"

Teacher:"A condom would be an excellent choice as it totally kills passion and also, Penny, I have to say the taste of nonoxynol-9 is somewhat off putting.

Good work class. But I think we really need to put our thinking caps on for next week!"

So, what's the point of Pfizer? That they've given a few wrinkly old men erections who probably should have given their penises retirement? After my brush with Dr Clown I'm giving drugs and docs a wide berth. And what about you? Does your doc bill you for as many pointless prodedures and drugs as he possibly can or is this simply a symptom of the US medical system?

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Fame Whore seeks forgiveness

Forgive me father for I have sinned. I talked to a FOX Reporter. I did it without a gun being placed to my head. As it was my views were too left of field to be included but I know I did wrong.

They wanted me to tell them that Obama was the anti-christ but I just couldn't do it.

Maybe my blood sugar level was low, maybe my thong was too tight. All I know is that while at a playground with my daughter a.k.a Sausage I found myself talking to a FOX Reporter. Now before you boycott this blog let me just say in my defence that I am a fame whore and will prostitute myself on right wing media just to get my face on the Tube. So the issue was that talk Obama is having broadcast to schools on Wednesday about the innocuous subject of 'work hard at school.' The FOX Reporter filmed me and asked me to talk about whether I thought that Obama was secretly a Nazi and whether he wanted to get to the kids and manipulate their tiny brain stems so they'd immediately go home and scream, 'We don't want no healthcare reform mommy!'

Well I said I thought the broadcast would be utterly harmless.

Big mistake. Huge mistake.

It meant I didn't get on TV. Luckily Sausage (the blonde pushing swing) did (see clip here). She denied all knowledge of Obama. I am so proud of her. No one could ever politically manipulate her (unless of course they offered her an ice cream, then she'd vote for anyone).

Can you forgive me? Please?

Or have you done things for fame you'd rather forget?