Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Knight Rider turns Shrink

No, it's not April Fool's Day I swear. David Hasselhoff, of Knight Rider, Baywatch and America’s Got Talent fame is opening up his brain and allowing you the opportunity to dig deep into his legendary wisdom.

Yes, The Hoff's BRAIN now has an IPhone application called Ask The Hoff which answers questions using pre-recorded responses from Hasselhoff while an animated version of the star is displayed.

If you've ever wanted to access the Hoff's brain and I know I haven't you can now ask it questions about life and receive answers from a man who is known all around the world as the Californian answer to the Dalai Lama. Dr Phil is already quaking in his boots at this usurper into the lucrative screw people over who have emotional problems market and believes the vision of the Hoff wearing Speedos appearing on iPhones may bankrupt his Misery Mining Conglomerate. Dr Phil was even spotted secretly having hair plugs - on his chest - in a desperate attempt to attract the Hoff's demographic which is aging women (and men) in their seventies who think of him as something of a toy boy.


Dr Phil is furious that the Hoff is on his turf and that he looks better in Speedos

Who knew there was a market for this?

The application was designed by Hasselhoff’s company Hotstuff Productions (you can’t make this stuff up) and Never Odd or Even LLP which is a UK-based company specializing in iPhone applications. So, if you are looking for help with your life, and wish to have the “expert” opinion of David Hasselhoff, the application will only cost you $0.99 in the iTunes Apps Store.

Do you sometimes feel like you have gone to sleep only to awake in an alternate reality where applications like this actually exist? Normally I do not, but suddenly that is exactly how I feel now that there is an iPhone application where I can ask David Hasselhoff for advice. I only pray Hasselhoff’s advice is intended to be taken tongue-in-cheek. I draw the line at asking an animated “Hoff” which stocks to buy or sell or even something he knows about like whether silicone implants feel better than saline in your hand?

"I know there are moments when everyone faces major decisions in life and need advice from an expert,"said Hasselhoff, "so as the proud owner of not one but two iPhones (I like to be able to make two phone calls at once!), I'm very pleased to announce the launch of my very own iPhone app."

"It's silly and it's fun, but it's the only way to make important decisions at home and at work," commented Paul Smith, creative partner at Never Odd Or Even LLP. "This iPhone app gives iPhone and iPod owners the chance to receive guidance from their favourite bouffant haired Trans Am driving lifeguard."

Got a problem?

Call Hoff.

I am pretty sure I could get better advice from Grover.

Meanwhile I need some questions to ask the Hoff. Please add to the list.

Can your blood circulation be cut off when you wear skin tight Speedos for 24 hours? If so does your penis fall off?

How many hours of makeup and bottles of foundation did it take to get Pamela Anderson to go from skanky to hot?

Does anyone apart from you actually find you sexy?

Is your hair real or is it that silly string type hair you can get out of a spray can for Halloween?

Also, let's think of other people's brains we'd love to plug into. Jordan are you listening?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Birthed a Closet Organiser

"Ah yes,and here at the end of the tour we come to the desk of the famous writer Emma Kaufmann who wrote many a bonkbuster at this desk. She claimed chaos fuelled her creativity."

If you are wondering where I have gone I really am writing a novel - honest. The upside of writing a novel is it stops me from thinking about food 24/7 and I think I have already lost three pounds. The book is a black comedy murder mystery but I am keeping it very much under my hat at the moment.

Writing a novel is quite good in so many ways because when your husband says, "Why is there only a dried carrot in the fridge?" or "This house is a tip and why have you left sixteen pans in the sink to soak?" you can quite reasonably reply, "Well I was working on my novel and I must have lost track of time."

The top reason why I want to be published is that it will generate the funds to get a cleaner. Although I am not sure I need a cleaner, really I just need an organiser. My clothes were all over the floor in my room and I bought some coathangers from IKEA with the intention really of at some point in the future taking that very strong tape off them and maybe at some point hanging the coathangers in my wardrobe. But really I just threw the coathangers on top of my pile of clothes. There is already a problem in the wardrobe since there are tons of clothes just lying around on the bottom of it.

But then thankfully a solution presented itself. My daughter Sausage whose ambition is "To be a cheer leader or dance teacher or cowgirl," came in while I was lying on the bed reading a book to my other daughter and without me asking her managed to wrangle the coathangers free of the tape and then she actually hung all my clothes on the hangers and hung them in the wardrobe. It was absolutely mind blowing. I cried for three days. I had birthed a Sausage who loved to tidy. Where had she gotten the genes from? I did not know but I was so grateful.

No I am serious it looks like this now!!

Apart from a brief phase in the Brownies where I used to wear turquoise dungarees and do my hair in pigtails and used to make my bed every day I have been a pretty messy person. I do not have the male gene that allows one's room to be full of pizza boxes and old lager cans (well apart from at university) but I have to say I simply feel much more comfortable in a messy house. It is just lucky I am married to someone neat or I might become one of those hoarders like the woman next door who lives with three obese cats and several tons of silk flowers, unopened letters and porcelain dolls covered in shrink wrap.

The fact is the creative person needs to be surrounded by chaos to write. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Are you an anal retentive clean freak who carries around antibacterial wipes or do you simply allow your kitchen to become a petri dish for germs like I do?