[I got one of those nauseating boasting end of year letters featuring kids wearing matching reindeer sweaters today - naturally I felt the need to pen my own gloating letter taking the piss just a tad!]
It's that time of year again. The time for my annual Christmas letter. I am jumping for joy because this has been one heck of a fabulous - yet exhausting year. This Christmas I'm going to keep it simple. Usually I have a 500 head bash complete with ice sculptures of the family and we perform a selection of rousing Christmas tunes - me on mike, my hubby Bert on the keys, little Scarlett on violin and tiny daughter Bonnie doing her dying swan dance on top of the grand piano while I release thousands of rare African bluewing butterflies.
But this year although Bert's plastic surgery business is going through the roof showing off doesn't seem to be in. Basically we didn't want to rub our good fortune in people's faces too much so we are limiting the guest list to 100 and the celebrities will be strictly C list. Beatrice and Eugenie have already said yes and I am eagerly looking forward to seeing their big white teeth around our Swarovski crystal Egg Nog bowl.
And now without furher ado I'll give you the 2009 round up:
Bert's new wing of his plastic surgery business Cankles R Us has taken off in leaps and bounds. This is tough love surgery with the ankle bone being scalped back so that unsightly cankles no longer ruin your life. Profits are huge on this so who am I to say that Bert isn't helping women with unsightly legs? There have been a few clients who can no longer walk after the surgery but I've poo pooed their concerns. Wouldn't you rather have beautiful ankles and be in a wheelchair than be mobile and with cankles? I certainly know what I'd prefer.
Scarlett who is eight is now six grades ahead and is taking advanced calculus. The other day I looked at some scribbles she'd done on a piece of paper. I wasn't sure what she'd written but it turns out she'd independently arrived at E=MC squared! She continues to astound me every day with her huge capacity for doing stuff with numbers and I feel so sorry for other mums who are trying to get their kids to just wrap their heads around long division. What can I say except don't be haters!
Six year old Bonnie continues to thrill us both with her dancing and singing skills. She has been accepted at the Bolshoi Ballet in Moscow and the private jet takes her there weekly. Some people claim all this early success might go to her head but I keep her down to earth by having firm rules. For example, although she is very hairy I've told her that she cannot have laser hair removal until she is eight.
As for myself I am just recovering from a romantic gesture Bert made to me. He gave me my usual shot of Botox in my forehead and then gave me some extra shots in my cheeks and chin. He swears he didn't give me too much but the situation is unfortunate as my mouth is paralyzed and I cannot move my lips. This will be a loss for my guests at the Christmas party tonight but bear with me you will be able to hear me very very soon.
Another thing that's really bothering me is these people who are whining that they have lost their jobs. Yes I realize that we can't all be as highly intelligent and stunningly beautiful as we are in my family. But we can get on our bikes as Normon Tebbit so famously said. And once we are on our bikes we can achieve anything. Do you really think that this kind of can't do attitude would have worked in the second world war when we bombed the jerries into submission? Of course not. So all I ask is you put on your 'can do' face rather than your 'can't do' face. So you've lost your job. So what? Why not take this as an opportunity to brush up on new skills. Learn something useful like maybe the harp or how to do shiatsu massage. In the words of the great humanist Barbara Bush who so touchingly said after Hurrican Katrina:
"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them." –Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 5, 2005
So let's take a leaf out of Barbara's book. If you're poor it's probable you're used to it - that's the big saving grace!! Hey let's laugh a little at our misfortunes. And now I must get ready for my party. I am generally a very modest person but let me step out of character for a second to say Goddamit I have it all and I'm the happiest woman on earth!
May 2010 bring you many blessings. And remember Bert's doing two-for-one plastic surgery procedures all through January. It's do your own anaesthetic but it's still a huge bargain. And if you have fat ankles do give Cankles R Us a whirl. Walking is really overrated believe me!
If you have a moment drop me a line and tell me what your year was like not that I'm that interested but I'm just trying to be polite.
Have a blessed Festive Season
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