Wednesday, February 24, 2010

To Tampon With Love

Ode to a Tampon

Tampons are something no man wants to discuss

Like what is their function?

It just makes men blush

When we tell them that they just need to rush

To the chemist because we are a dam about to gush

They make silly suggestions to which we reply:

"No a rolled up slice of white bread won't do just as well

Do you want a poke in the eye?"

What is it with men and the embarassment factor

Of purchasing tampons

It makes them feel emasculated

Makes them lose their erections

But tampons are friends

They are fun toys for kids too

My five year old thinks Tampax

Are sleeping bags for 'mice'

the furry white creatures that huddle inside

When you need a tampon in a hurry they're nowhere to be found

You can't get them from drug dealers, ten Supers for a pound

Always be aware of tampon borrowing etiquette:

When asking a stranger if you can borrow a tampon

Don't be surprised if she doesn't want it back

I am fond of my tampons

And thank God they exist

For if they didn't

There'd be blood on the streets

Written for today's writing prompt over at Sleep Is For the Weak: 'Write a letter to something that you own, that you love, or maybe that you hate.'

What do you think - does it have good flow (ho ho ho)? Add another verse if you like!


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?

There are many problems with the idea of feminism - most of which have to do with the fact that the world we live in is so far from being equal between men and women that it is maybe better not to be financially and emotionally self-sufficient but to piggyback off of the men's huge financial assets.

In Smart Girls Marry Money - a very astute book I just read - the female authors risk being pelted with eggs by feminists but make many salient points about how a clever woman should tackle who to marry while her ovaries are in peak freshness. They are:

1. That money and the marrying of it is essential for women, because, given the current working culture, women are rarely able to earn as much as men — especially after children.

2. Should their marriage end — as nearly half do — in divorce, it’s a fact that women rarely bounce back, either professionally or financially, as easily as men. The female divorcĂ©e, they cruelly add, is unlikely to spring back romantically either, unless she is some kind of a Liz Hurley version of a fortysomething.

3. Romantic love is a silly thing to base a marriage on.

4. Sexual fulfilment is primarily dependent on discovering yourself through masturbation (TRUE).

5. That it is imperative to marry young, while you have the seductive powers of the sexually attractive and fecund.

6. To be aware that men are prone to trading up, “once you no longer have great skin or look great in jeans”.

So what do you think? Is is worth marrying for money as a main point in choosing a spouse? It looks like this makes a huge amount of sense until society reaches such a point when women's primary allure to men are no longer youth, a couple of pert breasts and a fertile womb.

If and when we start growing babies in tanks and women lose their maternal instinct and the need to caress tiny baby clothes in shops while wailing "I want a baby!" then the idea of male/female equality might have a fighting chance.

But the last time I looked we shared 95 per cent of our genes with apes and most men want to marry a woman of equal age or many years younger if they are old codgers.

Personally speaking I would be in a tailspin if I hadn't married someone who while not rolling in it is extremely fiscally responsible. One of the most puzzling things people say is : Money Doesn't Buy You Happiness. But money totally does. It gives you freedom to leave bad situations, to change jobs, to remake your life, to remove any number of unpleasant factors from your life. Without enough money you are just totally stuck in whatever shit life throws at you.

So ladies, was the bulge of his wallet more or less important than the bulge in his trousers when you chose your spouse?

And gents, do you feel you have been financially expoited by women since the day your testicles dropped?


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snowtastic Snownami

There are only a few things that can break us out of our artificial twentieth (and twenty-first) century isolation:

1. The World Cup - kissing strangers/usually involves alcohol

2. The Second World War during The Blitz - when people united against the Jerries and produced illegitimate offspring in Underground/Air Raid Shelters

Yes I know I'm wearing a dodgy Jester hat but it's that or my head freezing

3. Taking E at a Club: "I love you so much man." Doesn't really count.

4. Blizzard Like Conditions

Since we have had snow blizzards here in Baltimore since Friday and snow up to our waists I have seen many people shovelling snow in their front yards in our street who I have never clapped eyes on before. Surprisingly we are all talking to each other about stuff - communicating if you well on topics such as - how there are only tinned peas left in the local supermarket (all the flour and Pot Noodle has sold out WHY? Is it a conspiracy? Are the bakers baking with the flour and the pot heads consuming the Pot Noodle or what is going on?) - united in our moment of hell.

The first reaction of most Americans when confronted with two feet of snow is to drive and it has certainly been amusing to watch many cars stuck in the snow, their wheels a-spinning.

There are also a few comedians doing cross country skiing in the street. You know the types:
"Just because it's snowing it doesn't prevent me doing my workout."

Yes of course I am going mad. Alcohol only goes so far in easing the pain and cabin fever. I could go for a walk but I'd end up like a giant snowball rolling down the hill.

Okay things are getting desperate here... let's have ideas for a snowbound lady with zero patience and two kids off school all week.

BTW this was after the first snowfall, we are now in the middle of the second. Good times!!

Johns Hopkins University where my husband works is peopled by ubernerds who typically sit in the library 24/7 actually studying rather than chatting about what pub to go later which was rather more my pace. The university has been closed all week to the consternation of many. So some enterprising students made this video about the situation which is pretty funny considering it was produced by ubernerds!


Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Are you my ying? Am I your yang?

The question of whether soul mates exist was tossed in the air here this week and rather made me giggle. But when I had sufficiently composed myself to stop gibbering like a babboon I was ready to grab my quill and put my thoughts on paper.

Do I believe soul mates exist?

The short answer is no.
Here's why.

1. Soul mates can't possibly exist because of the fact that if there is only one woman for every man who completes her/him then what in the name of God did people do before the invention of the motor car? Bearing in mind that the car not to mention the plane has only been around for about a hundred years that leaves a hell of a lot of people whose soul mates rather conveniently found themselves in the same village. If a soul mate - one man for every woman - exists, and it doesn't - then what of say an Eskimo girl called Corazon in 1922 who's never even seen a car let alone driven a motorized bobsled whose soul mate - a strapping lad called Juan - happens to be residing in a slum in Rio de Janeiro? Short of smuggling herself onto an ocean liner for six months and dying of starvation there's a fairly high probability that they will never do the horizontal tango.

2.If soul mates exist would romance novels sell in such huge numbers? Take into consideration that in 2004 romance novels generated $1.2 billion in sales and made up 55% of all paperback sales. Having only struggled through a few of these novels I am by no means an expert but I do know that the men have a propensity to rip off bodices and not tie them back together when they're done. Suffice to say if women generally were happy with their sex and love lives would they be buying ludicrously unrealistic stuff featuring men with throbbing manhoods and rippling muscles who spout lines such as these (answer, no):

"Hers was a dark and stormy loin."

"The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs rippling in the dappled light."

"Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

"Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that."

"Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible."

"Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

"Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

"I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

"I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

"The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."

3. I find people who claim that the person they are with is their once in a lifetime love annoying. You will always get someone (usually female) saying "Oh God if I hadn't broken my leg in three places that day skiing in the Swiss Alps and that surgeon Franz hadn't operated on me we would never have met! Imagine our eyes would not have met above his surgical mask and we would never have gotten married." To which I always think, well, so what you would have met someone else and been just has happy. Same goes for kids. Maybe I am in the minority here but if I'd married a Chinese/black/hispanic/German I would still have thought my kids were the cutest things in the world and would have loved them the same as I love my kids now. Am I simply cavewoman in her purest form I wonder who's uterus can sniff out a fertile male at fifty paces and chooses men simply on the basis that they have strong swimming sperm, the ability to club a mammoth to death and their own teeth? I sometimes wonder.

4. Any of you who say 'Oh I am still in love with my husband/wife the way we were when we met' are going to be less than three years married. Fact. Anyone who can say 'Oh I am still in love with my husband/wife the way we were when we met' after ten years then wow! You are officially the one in a million who has found his/her soul mate. Pat yourself on the back and claim your prize, an all expenses trip to La La Land! Disclaimer: you cannot claim this prize if you are on antipsychotics as this interferes with perception.

5. Falling in love is something that is temporary. Falling in love has symptoms similar to the giddy high from an amphetemine boost. No one's saying it isn't a great state to be in. But at some point the high ends, you climb out of bed and you're left with, well - a very nice ordinary person who you may have married by then. A lot of people divorce when the high wears off and unrealistic romantic expectations are no longer fulfilled.

Or have I got it all wrong? Have you found your soul mate? Is your name Corazon and did you marry Juan in 1922? Go on I dare you, prove me wrong!