Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mistresses of Fortune

It seems like there are mistresses popping up everywhere these days eh? Seems like David Beckham (allegedly) and even that Ken Doll Ashton Kutcher (allegedly) have been at it. Neither mistress has a shred of evidence but as long as they've wangled a ten page spread in a tabloid I say nice work if you can get it.

Now don't get me wrong I think mistresses work hard for their money. I even started a fund for discarded mistresses who are finding it hard to make ends meet with my Adopt A Mistress This Christmas campaign which I put together with Camilla Parker Bowles as a consultant.

That said it would be hard not to laugh at the state of Irma Nici's dress sense (Beckham's alleged mistress who after selling her story to InTouch magazine has been slapped with a £16m writ by Beck's lawyers).

Whatever the ins and outs of Beck's trysts I just read an article about the InTouch/Beckham coverage that said, "A source close to Beckham last night said he believes [the article] may be part of a smear campaign to harm England’s chances of holding the World Cup in 2018."


But I'm much more inclined to believe the conspiracy theory being bandied about that Beck's alleged affair is just a smokescreen to distract us from Posh n Becks gag inducing new perfume adverts. Come on, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear you know. See for yourself:

Um, sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little

Anyhow I was thinking about all this and how maybe I could get some of this fake mistress for cash action so I said to my husband, "What do you think? Do you think I could sell a story to the papers about having had a raunchy affair with a celeb?"

"With who?"

"I don't know. What about Gordon Ramsay? I could say I worked as a washer upper in one of his restaurants and before I knew what was happening my clothing had fallen off me and I was covered in suds and Ramsay was squirting me with Fairy Liquid."

"No. I don't think Gordon Ramsay would go for you."

[Hurt] "Why not?"

"You're not his type. I think Sven-Göran Eriksson would be a better bet. He'd go for you."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Okay I'll take it as a compliment. After all, he could have said Fabio Capello.

And what about you? Of all the celebs out there who do you think you could have 'had' - do you think you could have rung Nigella Lawson's bell or tinkled Paul McCartney's ivories? Do tell.


Friday, September 10, 2010

Tribal Wives Christmas Sweater Set Edition

London City Mum recently asked me where the hell is Baltimore? Don't worry LCM, I'm not offended. I had no bleedin' idea either before I got here! Well it's a one hour drive from DC and three from NYC. LCM also tagged me to write about the local womenfolk, the Tribal Wives so to speak, in my vicinity. She also asked for photos. Yes she's one demanding bitch.

A bit of info for you lady. Baltimore is divided into Baltimore City and Baltimore County. Now the city bit has quite a few problems with poverty and is also inhabited by the sort of colourful characters documented in the movies of Baltimore native John Waters. Unfortunately I live in Baltimore County which is pretty dull but has good schools. But back to Baltimore City - it certainly has some colourful fruitcakes and since I attract wierdos like the plague I've drunk cocktails with most of them. And if you want photos then okay, here goes.

Hey did anyone ever tell you you look like John McEnroe?

Here's me looking fab in pink at an 80s party (I was off duty). Off duty from what you might ask? Well I don't like to brag but I'm actually an Officer for the Baltimore Fashion Police.

Here's me during a spell at the Fashion Police checking for VPL violations (Baltimore City branch).

As you can imagine I am also kept pretty busy around Baltimore County in my capacity as Fashion Police Officer. Most of the women at the school gates are cookie cutter drones in pastel coloured jogging shorts and I have made quite a few arrests for 'having zero individuality' and 'wearing a baseball cap back to front.' But at Christmas all that changes. Pale green shorts are replaced by godawful Christmas sweaters, indeed, The Mummy Tribe where I live could best be described as the Christmas Sweater Set. Now I've no idea why anyone would want to pull a picture of a reindeer and grinning Santa over their bosoms at Christmas but apparently that is the American way. And if you want a funny story about this here's something that happened a few Christmases back:

So, Friday night, my daughter Scarlett says can she go caroling with a group of her friends. As soon as I discovered that I would not have to supervise the event I said, yes, of course. So I take her to a house nearby with what passes for normal decorations, even in middle class suburbia i.e: a see through plastic snow globe the size of a man, with a dancing penguin inside, piped music playing So Here It Is Merry Christmas and two human sized blow up Snoopy's wearing Santa hats balanced perilously on the roof.

Anyway, the mother who answers the door was crying out for me to make an arrest on behalf of the Fashion Police. I was going to say: "I am arresting you on three counts of screaming fashion disasters, namely 1. knitted red headband with snowflakes on it holding back hair 2. earrings shaped like Christmas baubles 3. red sweater with glittery bits and reindeer motif." But it was Christmas so I let it slide. Instead I said, "Is it all right if I just drop Scarlett off for the carolling party?"

"Oh?" said Baubles with a frown. "So you're not coming? I think it's going to be great fun."

"Yes, I'm sure it'll be fun, but ..." mind scrambles for an excuse.

Baubles peers at me as I notice screaming fashion disaster 4. bright red lipstick on a ruddy slightly chapped face. "Actually, you look a bit ill," she says. "Are you ill?"

The cheeky cow! No, I was not ill, but that was obviously the only excuse that was going to get me out of this. So I said, cough, cough, "Yes actually, I do have the flu, so I'd best be off. Don't want to infect the kids you know!" and hastily shoved Scarlett in the door.

When I got home I noticed that my husband was dressed in a suit and a wine red shirt and looked pretty damn hot if I do say so myself. He was going to his office Christmas party later which I wasn't going to. Later, when he went to pick up Scarlett, he told me that some of the mums had been drooling over him.

"I suppose it was because I was dressed up nice while their much older husbands were lolling about, guts straining against festive sweaters."

"No doubt," I said.

I suppose I should be pleased that I am living with the hottest bit of man meat in suburbia. But I'm not, because I'm a miserable sod.

I wonder if some of these desperate housewives will start popping round with the excuse of wanting to swap some great new cookie recipe when actually just wanting to ogle my husband?

For a laugh, I asked him if he'd do any of those mums, but he said he wouldn't because none of them are attractive enough. But I think what was really putting him off was those sweaters. Go on, I dare any of you to get aroused thinking about a man or woman in one of those godawful sweaters. See, you can't do it can you?

And now, do visit other hilarious Tribal Wives insights like Vix's Tribal Wives rules of survival for Britain, Misssy M and London City Mum or this hilarious piss take of mommy bloggers by Readily A Parent.

And now I'm gonna tag Mrs Woog and The NDM because I'm desperate for an expose of Australian housewives - warts and all. Lori has already got the ball rolling on that front with her cheeky expose of Yummy Mummies in the Leafy Sydney 'Burbs

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Aussie Mummy Bloggers Blog Carnival - Best of August

AMB blog carnival button

The Aussie Mummy Bloggers are hosting their third blog carnival and this time I'm doing the honours! Their blog carnival is a monthly event where AMB members (currently over 350) submit their best posts from the previous month to be featured together in one place. A different blogger will host the event each month. Please bookmark this page and take the time to come back and read as many of these posts as you can and discover some great new bloggers!

Participants, please feel free to grab the button I've made, and put it on your blog so your readers can find their way here.

But for now, grab a cup of tea and a fistful of Tim Tams, sit back and enjoy some quality reading!

* * * * * * *

Jen at Jemikaan - Do you get as bored of the mundane task of grocery shopping as I do? Well this is my little spin on our weekly task, turning an ordinary day into something a little more extraordinary with a play with words.
Bitter Day Of Reflected Sweetness

Christy at A Cajun Down Under - Not sure if I’m Arthur or Martha these days. My life was much simpler when I only had to answer to Mommy but not near as much fun.
A mommy by many names

Kay K at Suburp - Menstruation related ads are since long part of our life, but now there is more to learn while you and your family are having your TV dinner.
Incontinence and the City

Nellbe at Nellbe's Gluten Free Kitchen - what an eventful month, her baby has turned one and she has had a blog name change! Here she reflects on the past 12 months of being a mum of 2.
Baby's First Year - Reflection

Kathrine at Mummy Diaries - When Sky News Presenter Jacinta Tynan declared motherhood a “cinch” and used the phrase “can’t see what all the whingeing is about” Kathrine started to rant and rave to no one in particular.
When hard is a dirty word

Bec at Bad Mummy - Colic has been the bane of my existence over the past few weeks. Read along and find out what lengths we've gone to to stop our child screaming!
Dealing with colic

Shelly at Tropical Mum - Reading Chick-Lit has always been a pleasure of mine, but since joining the blogosphere, it has become a guilty pleasure. I'm not sure why exactly, but it could be to do with the awe with which I regard some of my fellow bloggers. They amaze me everyday with their wonderful words and stories. I guess I thought all these wonderful writers must be curling up with the classics as their read of choice, but my commenters had a few things to say about it.
Brain Candy

Becky at BeckyandJames - Should I be excited or scared about my favourite book series being made into movies??
Today's thoughts on tomorrow

Lauren at Sparkling Adventures - As a mother, I am constantly trying to question our society’s conventions of conformity. As I consciously and unconsciously teach my four girls about beauty, what are the seeds that I am sowing into my daughters’ minds?
The mismatched truth

Kirrily at Sunny Side Up - A memory from a day in the NICU with our brave baby girl.
Melting moments that make my heart seize

_vTg_ at This Growing Life - While trying to juggle freeway driving and parenting, I discovered that the bonds between brothers can sometimes be material.
The Heartwarming Scarf

Megan at Writing Out Loud - Going to the supermarket is never fun, but add to it random people’s judgements about your parenting and it’s hell.
Dreaded Weekly Event

Toushka at Ramblings From Toushka - My mother always felt that a part of her was missing and always would be unless she found the father she had never met. This is her story
Search for grandpa

Tenille at Help!Mum - Once upon a time, in my laundry, the revolution began...
A tale of two laundries

Nikki at Styling You - I’m a mum of three (two teens and five-year-old). Time to myself is VERY rare. This is my attempt at getting 30 minutes one recent Saturday evening. I had to resort to scare tactics to pull it off.
A Carefree life … or just 30 minutes … I wish

Veronica at Some Day We Will Sleep - A flippant comment on twitter ends up degenerating into a passive aggressive exchange, much to one person's surprise.
How a flippant comment on twitter can get you blocked and banned

Beth at BabyMac - This post is about the turmoil of a proper breast fitting post babe #2. Strap yourselves in. Literally.
My breast is certainly not best

Lori at Random Ramblings of a SAHM - Dealing with clinical depression. One day at a time
The Black Dog

MuffinMonsterBB at The Muffin Monster Bubbalug Blog - Is my social phobia hurting my children?
I say "I" at lot. And I feel like a failure.

The NDM at Not Drowning, Mothering - One suburban housewife's rapid descent into ill-repute...
It’s Not As Bad As It Looks

Bern at So Now What? - *Language Warning * Just another day at the office. See what happens when good tax goes bad.
Workin 9 - 5

Naomi at Under The Yardarm - the post in which I make someone cry before lunch... but, you know, in a good way!
A moment in time

Lara at Extremely Nappies - a bit of a rant about food and how it effects our society: ethical issues, health problems and junk-food targetting our kids.
The tale of the gigantic pants

Ash at Mm is for me’s blog - A funny little book helped me get rid of my cranky pants for the day!
Find your monkey Grumpy Gertie!

Starfish at The Fish Cave - After five weeks with no action the prodigal fish returns with a declaration of love and devotion to the wonderful world of blogging. A celebration of creativity and the power of the pen. A post on how great it is to post .
Five weeks ....

Misssy M at The Misssy M Misssives - Hitch-hiking can be perilous, especially when you get picked up by Misssy M
The Hitcher

Kelly at Be A Fun Mum - I don’t like leaving the kitchen a mess but in a way, I felt good about it. Why? You'll have to read the post.
I didn't clean the kitchen last night

Jo at Mum to J - I wrote this after reading some information that was sent to me re: a shopping trip for someone with Asperger's. The article was a real eye opener for me so I thought I'd write this to share with others just how difficult a trip to the supermarket can be for my son.
Sensory Overload

Alison at Melbourne Mumma – I Am Their Mother, Not You: complete strangers who parent your kids in public. Does it happen to you?
I am their mother not you

Kristin at Wanderlust - For all the beautiful women I've known (and never known).
Woman, a history

Jasmine at Dardo & Me - The post is a few suggestions on how to reawaken (or find!) your inner sex(y) goddess.
That sexy feeling ... part 2

Emma at Mommy Has A Headache - Do you get angry when children's classics are 'modernized' or do you just grin and bear it?
You're Jolly Well Joking Aren't You?

Marita at Stuff with Thing - What is your DLE - Divorce Level Event? Inspired by our recent house move.
What is your DLE?

Lucy at Diminishing Lucy - An enticing post about dealing with “the other woman”.

Sarah at Just Me - A guest post from my beautiful friend, Erin. The story of how her husband beat leukaemia and is now kayaking 800km to celebrate surviving five years from the diagnosis. Be sure to have your tissues ready!
My Heafy