The Contents of my Fridge

My pal Slummy Single Mummy has tagged me to reveal the contents of my fridge. Now I'm not going to lie: this ain't gonna be pretty. And now I think of it these pictures seem to reveal quite a lot about my (perfectly legal) addictions to chocolate and alcohol. So what the heck, here goes nothing.

Let's start with the freezer compartment shall we?

Those of you not familiar with the Samoa Girl Scouts' Cookie will not know how delicious is it as well as the fact that the cookies are 150 calories per cookie and God knows how much more mixed with the icecream. The stuff in the Tupperware is leftover Easter chocolate and the thing that looks like a chicken is a decapitated chocolate bunny.

Since we recently almost had a tornado here and we've been warned that we may have to hide in the basement for several days and not be able to shop for groceries I have stocked the freezer with staples such as um, gin.

Now moving on to the fridge. Admitedly I do have to go for a shop but even so these items are fairly typical of my daily intake of er nutrients:

"Help I'm trapped in a filthy drawer! Will paint eggs for food."

Nutritional note: Fruits are still fruits even when trapped in a sugary jelly like substance.

When you have gin you must also have mixers and a few bottles of wine in case guests pop in...

...plus some beer.

More chewed chocolate.

I know what you're thinking. Where's the veg? Well this is all I have at the mo:

Yes there is some kind of watery stuff floating about in there.

In fact I actually found a sprouted pea in there this morning but threw it out. I did look for it in the bin to take a picture but couldn't find it so this image will have to do. The discovery of the sprout might give some indication of how often I clean out my vegetable drawer.

So now I want you all to show me the contents of your fridges. I don't think anyone can be worse than that but surprise me.

To get the ball rolling I want to see the fridge contents of :

Metropolitan Mum
Mum's Gone To
Glen's Life
A Modern Military Mum cos she's a neat freak and I'd love to see what an alphabetically organised fridge looks like
Very Bored in Catalunya - because I want to see some groovy Spanish packaging
Note From Lapland - because I want to see some groovy Finnish packaging

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A Strudel in a D-Cup

Like being a Playboy model, a wrestler's days are alas numbered. And it was thus that in 2002 a somewhat out of shape former wrestler called Norbert Sendlhofer decided to get into the pimping game. Yes, in tough economic times one must do what one can, and Sendlhofer decided that the770 inhabitants of St Andra near Salzburg needed, not another pub, but a brothel. So without thinking too much - prostitution is legal in Austria so he thought opening the den of iniquity would be a piece of strudel - he put in a planning application to turn an old hunting lodge on the outskirts of the village into a brothel to be called Villa Erotica.

However, the journey to erect this pimp's pleasure palace ended up taking nine years.

First the mayor went ballistic, and then, backed by his constituents, threw as many spanners in Sendlhofer’s works as he could blocking his plans with any piddling regulation they could find. For years planning experts and officials trooped into Villa Erotica, asking questions. The Austrian newspaper Der Standard reported that in July 2005, St Andra government officials told Sendlhofer that his application had been turned down because the local public health officer had said there were “inadequate sanitary facilities” for “transactions which specifically deal with the excretion of bodily fluids”.

Additionally, it was found that Villa Erotica could “impair the moral, religious and psychological life of the village” said the rejection letter, reported Der Standard. Sendlhofer wasn't going to be put off and hastily put in new showers to meet hygiene requirements. Later, when the council said Villa Erotica’s drinking water wasn't up to snuff, he dug new wells.

In 2007 the local busy bodies were getting desperate. As a last resort, one right wing nut hit upon the brainwave that prostitution could be classed as “physical labour” and therefore subject to special health and safety regulations.

A medical expert wrote a report for the council, which said that “prostitution is heavy physical work which is carried out in all possible postures”.

After much research into the daily lives of hookers the experts reached the conclusion that the ceilings of Villa Erotica were too low for suitable work spaces and that there were too few cubic metres of air to give sex workers the “volume of air” needed to carry out their strenuous physical duties.

The ploy worked for a while but then a higher court in Salzburg last year quashed the verdict and Villa Erotica was given the green light. Next, it was in fact the brothel’s red light that caused the next headache: believe it or not you need special planning permission to install unusual external lighting.

When the brothel opened recently, Sendlhofer, his pet parrot Booger and Head Madam Heidi had the last laugh. The nine-year fuss resulted in massive press coverage and they were able to boast to the wrestler's opponents by telling TV cameras there was “no better location in the whole of Austria” for Villa Erotica.

God bless Sendlhofer's entrepreneurial spirit! I'm looking forward to seeing the movie too. Who should play the wrestler in the movie (tentatively titled Villa Erotica - A Long Time Coming) do you think? Might Arnie be persuaded to put on a leotard and play the ex-wrestler do you think?

[This story is not made up. Nevertheless, all pictures have been posed by models]

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Five Things I Don't Want My Children To Know About Me

Well today I am joining in Notes From Home's carnival to reveal Five Things I Don't Want My Children To Know About Me. Only five? Well there's many more than that, for sure, but here goes:

There is such a thing as Free Chocolate - but such an offer is rife for abuse

1. I was a chocolate thief. Aged fourteen I worked a Saturday job in a pretentious hand made chocolate shop in Hampstead where chocolate ran out of pipes in the back room, very much like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I think the owner said I could have a chocolate 'now and again.' I'm not sure what he was thinking. Firstly I gave 'samples' of the chocs to any pal of mine who came in the shop. Then, alas, I got greedy and started pilfering chocolates at the end of the day. In fact one day I stuffed my anorak full of them and left a Hansel and Gretel trail of them to the Tube. I believe that incident had some part to play in me being fired from that job.

2. I could have been an adult star. Aged fifteen I worked at a delicatessen on Saturdays slicing sausages and selling expensive cheeses. The proprietor had a penchant for employing young nubile teenagers and, it goes without saying was a lecherous old git with a gut and combover. One evening after work he asked me if I'd like to earn some extra money. I said yeah okay, what do I have to do? He said he had some 'special film cameras' at home and asked if I wanted to be an actress in one of his films, 'a little nudity but nothing too outrageous.' I politely declined. I wasn't that hard up. All the other girls who worked there laughed about it, they'd all been asked but as far as I know had all declined his 'tempting offer.'

3. I have almost taken acid. No this is the beauty of this, I can actually tell me kids that, heaven's forbid I have never taken acid. I am to acid what Woody Allen is to cocaine. Remember that scene in Annie Hall where he snorts it and sneezes. Hysterical, what? Well that's a bit like me and acid. I have been offered acid on numerous occasions - at parties and clubs. And every time I've said, 'Oh thanks very much' and accidentally dropped it on the floor, and scrambled about in vain trying to find it. It is quite a relief I never actually took it as I'm the kind of person who starts tripping on a spoonfull of Nyquil (UK Night Nurse).

4. I served greenfly salad. When I was sixteen I worked on Saturdays in the kitchen of quite a fancy restaurant making the salads. As I was usually hungover I couldn't really be bothered to wash the salad and it often went out covered in greenfly. I think only once someone did complain. For reasons I won't go into the staff at this place were particularly slack and that's why I didn't get fired from that job.

5. I was a Terrible Temp. I once worked in a temping job in my twenties which was well paid but they hardly ever gave me anything to do. So one Friday morning I came in, signed my time sheet indicating I'd worked until 5pm, faxed it to the agency, then went home and went to bed. I was awoken by the ringing of the telephone at home - the supervisor at the office wanted to know where I was. So I got up, got dressed, went to the office and pretended I'd been in the bog for three hours. I think we both know how that particular story ended. Suffice to say I didn't get away with my scam. I wasn't fired by the Temp Agency though, which was odd to say the least.

So what about you. Spill the beans. And join in too why don't you?



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My Weekus Horribilis



Where did my brain go? Last week I lost it. My husband was in Chicago and it can safely be said that the wheels, which were only very loosely attached to the cart in the first place, fell off completely.

We live in a part of Baltimore that is very much like a little village in The Darling Buds of May. Or maybe it's a bit like in the Cheers sitcom where 'you want to go where everyone knows your name!' In any case it's very friendly and quaint, all rambling roses, cottagey houses, bendy windy roads and purple clematis, which is a bit weird I suppose because drive a mile south and the only decorations in the yards are discarded mattresses with their springs hanging out, heroin syringes and used condoms.

The first um incident occurred last Wednesday when the sheer giddy freedom of being a lusty housewife loose in Baltimore when straight to my head. After a gal pal and I enjoyed a boozy lunch and relaxing pedicure I remembered that oh yeah I had to collect the kids from school. Fear not, I successfully achieved that but once we got home realized I had a throbbing headache. So I popped what I thought were two Tylenol. Alas when I looked at the container I realized I'd actually taken a sleeping tablet called Tylenol PM - which is an absolute Godsend, you know, if you actually want to go to sleep. Unfortunately it was 4pm on a Wednesday and I suddenly felt very tired. After deciding that the drive to the girls' ballet class was probably unwise due to the threat of sleeping at the while I decided to lie down on the sofa 'just for a minute.' Three hours later I was shaken awake by my daughter who demanded food. Feeling very guilty indeed I arose and swiftly assembled a nutritious meal (aka mac and cheese from a box).

Now of course, living in America I've been thinking that maybe I could sue Tylenol like that woman who burnt herself on McDonalds coffee because she had no idea coffee was made with boiling water. Indeed the two containers for Tylenol do look startlingly similar. That said I don't think I have much of a case. I will just have to put the PM one in a place I don't visit very much like on the ironing board so that I only access it in an insomnia related emergency.

The other thing that happened was on the Friday my kids went home with another family because it had clear slipped my mind that they had a half day. The problem with living in a happy clappy community I suppose is you know that there will always be someone looking out for your kid so you don't worry too much. I have even, believe it or not, taken a few kids to my house when their parents didn't show up - it's no biggie. But forgeetting the half day somehow seemed like the final straw, and the first step towards senility. Luckily my husband has returned in the nick of time - I have to buy supplies for the girls' Brownie camping trip today and there are 35 items on it - frankly, I think doing it solo would have tipped me over the edge.

I have absolutely no idea how anyone has more than one kid. Have you ever accidentally mislaid one of your kids or taken one pill in lieu of another with disastrous consequences? Feel free to share!

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