Friday, May 27, 2011
In times of economic uncertainty when many of us are trying to sell houses that no one wants inevitably reflections turn inwards. Have you ever stopped to think what you: all your muscle, flab, experience, sexual prowess, lack of sexual prowess, stretch marks, personality, cankles or not etc would add up to on the open market?
Romina over at Martyrhood assessed her own assets or lack of them by comparing herself to a house ie. How would you present yourself in today's market? Would you make any home renovations or market yourself as a "fixer upper"?
Well in that instance I'd be:
Gorgeous old property, many original features, only a few previous owners, breasts could be lifted to make a lovely patio area. Garden well groomed - no ingrown hairs! This property has been lovingly maintained, moisturized and toned in the gym. Drawbacks are a little flab around the middle but this could easily be remedied with a course of Pilates. This house likes a laugh and is a very cheap date. Two drinks and it is legless. Could do with a lick of paint and a new roof but otherwise this is move in ready!
On the open market as a house I could easily fetch $500,000
But what if I compared myself to a high class prostitute?
Mature MILF available for entertaining evenings and sleepless nights. Tired of shelling out money at overpriced drinking clubs and paying through the nose for champagne just to talk to a 'model'? This lady will tell bawdy jokes after just two gin and tonics. Drawbacks include a propensity to laugh if you have a small penis but just keep your pants on until the final moment to avoid hysteria. May have problems staying up post ten pm but can be kept going my copious amounts of cholestrol rich food.
Worth as high class prostitute: I reckon I could charge $3,000 a night apart from the fact I wouldn't be able to stomach (pun intended) any guy with a gut.
What if I compared myself to another housewife? Hmm, this will require all my copywriting skills.
Housewife X is a sturdy little number who will leave your home in tip top shape. She doesn't promise to get into all those dirty corners or dust those hard to reach your shelves. But your house will look considerably cleaner after Housewife X has shoved all your belongings under the bed or into any available cupboard before settling down with The Daily Mirror, a nice cup of coffee and a handful of your Hob Nobs. Her culinary skills are fine if you provide all the ingredients but she can't usually be arsed to go to the supermarket. One of her famous culinary shortcuts is 'bunging something in the microwave.' This funloving Housewife X will leave your house scented with her perfume and your fridge bare.
Worth as housewife: $300 per week.
So what are YOU worth? You can write a post on it if you wish. But first I will tag:
Very Bored In Catalunya
Blog It And Scarper
Note From Lapland
Slummy Single Mummy maybe this will break your writer's block!
Organic Motherhood With Cool Whip
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Is it just me or was anyone else surprised at how homeley Schwarzenegger's mistress is? Now there will be those frothing at the mouth about how married men shouldn't cheat but I'm not one of those. In my mind politicians and movie and sports stars orbit in their own universe, above us mere mortals in their own rarified atmosphere. They orbit mainly around themselves, and have many tiny planets telling them day and night just how wonderful they are. So it is inevitable that their egos grow very large indeed and that they are soon thinking that it is every lap dancer for himself.
So I said to my husband, "I just don't get it. I mean Schwarzenegger's mistress, she's not even good looking. I mean Maria Shriver looks a bit odd, granted, but she's probably better looking than the mistress. I mean seriously, will men just do it with anyone?"
My husband chewed over the question. "Well, I'm sure Arnie's mistress was good looking at some point."
Getting to the meat of the question I asked, "You wouldn't want to do it with some old dog though would you?"
Taking a Swiss position (a neutral stance that would not lead to him being hung drawn and quartered) he said,"Well all women are attractive at some point. It's just a question of how many years they can sustain that attractivenes. For some women their bloom lasts but an hour!"
"I see," I said. "But I still don't get it. Why would men choose to sleep with plain women especially if they are famous and can pick and choose? When women sleep with reptilian looking men there's always a reason for it and it's to do with the man's status. Mick Jagger's been hideous for years but I understand that women want to get their hands on his millions. And what about Paul McCartney, he looks like a droopy bull dog these days but that doesn't stop him getting engaged to a hottie does it?"
|"I'm just a jumping scrotum with lips but I gets the girls."|
|"Hope my pre-nup is watertight so I don't end up tarred and Heathered."|
|Melinda was attracted to Trump by his playful sense of humour and large combover|
Am I taking a prejudicial position here? What does go on in men's heads? Is it really the case that if a woman plain or otherwise offers herself to a bloke he's in there like a rat up a drainpipe? It is just his biological imperative? I mean I don't mind if it is like that but is it really that basic? I'm talking about normal men here, not your politicians, Trumps or movie stars?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I have always had a soft spot for libraries and spent a lot of my childhood in them. Perversely during my university period I spent very little time in the university library, maybe because there were other places that were more interesting like a. the bar and b. the bar. But one thing I do remember about UK libraries was that a lot of tramps sat in them all day which would be fine except they smelt very strongly of pee - which is not okay.
Now that I live in America luckily things are different. Well not that different as the library I frequent is peopled with the usual colourful collection of care in the community mental cases and alchoholics but God Bless America - not one of them smells of pee.
Now you may well ask why I spend so much time in the library? Well it is part of my perverse nature - to need some kind of white noise to write my books and blog - to have people verbalising in the background without having any impulse to actually engage in conversation with them.
Like, what is the point of cafes where people sit about staring silently at their lap tops? Surely they'd have more fun at home because at least you can blog in the nude, fart at will and not pay $6 for a capuccino.
No, believe me, when you've gone library you can never go back. It is just so damn amusing.
The regulars are:
Hygiene Nut who wears surgeon's gloves while typing on the computer - I presume this is to ward off germs (and who can blame him?)
Man with flaking face Yes, worse than dandruff his face flakes all over the keyboard and he constantly picks at it.
Snoring fat man This obese guy has a bright red face and is always wearing headphones and snoring like a train in front of the keyboard. What's up with that? What's wrong with a bed?
The anorexic/bulimic She was really skinny for a long time, then she blew up like a balloon. She once came up to me and told me 'I don't like you.' Thanks for that. I've also seen her panhandling outside the library.
The usual suspects:
Many many men are looking at porn and subtly fiddling with their crotches but the funniest people are the Google virgins. They sit down at the computer and just scream over to the librarian:
"How do I get on Google? I wanna get on Google!"
Librarian: "What do you want to do on Google? It is a tool you know."
"I wanna find something!"
Librarian shows him how to get on Google and goes away.
Two minutes later the virgin screams again:
"I wanna go on Yahoo! How do I get on Yahoo?"
Librarian: "Do you have a Yahoo account?"
"No but I heard I can get some some free mail from Yahoo."
Librarian takes out a gun and shoots him in the head. Not really ....but I'm amazed they don't.
Yesterday a ten year old listening to music on headphones was bellowing very loudly along to the rap lyrics until someone told him to shut up: "Yo mutherfuckin ho, yo bitch I think I need some sno, so ho off you go, you lazy mo fo bitchin ho." (I may have got the lyrics wrong but you get my drift).
There are quite a few drunks at the library and sometimes they will start a punch up - why I have no idea.
There was a girl who screamed at the librarian that she was a 'Fucking Bitch Cunt' very loudly until she had to be escorted out. But what was wierd is that they let her back in the library the next day!
A man who sat next to me staring at me who slid me a note that he 'wanted to connect with me' and left me his number. I ran out of there so fast I left skid marks.
They're like a wonderful dysfunctional family to me. A family I don't ever have to deal with. What bliss.
What about you, what kind of white noise fuels your creativity? I find that inspiration strikes with a backdrop of tourettes syndrome and people talking very loudly into their cell phones.
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Posted by EmmaK at 2:37 PM