Would You (Should You)? ever wear Skinny Jeans

Today my pal Jimmy Jacob from Personalsfacts is guest posting and giving us his two cents on the perils and pitfalls of women wearing skinny jeans:

On my personal dating blog, I mostly cover all subjects related to love and sex. However, I have never ever commented on a woman’s fashion sense and how it actually affects their dating lives and I know of one article of clothing that most women own that is quite damaging does scare potential suitors away.


Skinny jeans.


Call me an a*shole, but I just don’t see how ladies are continuing to delude themselves into believing that skinny jeans are sexy and fashionable on every gal. In fact, it’s the polar opposite and it’s hurting a lot of women’s’ sex lives. I know that Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj have taught women that they can be who they want to be and wear what they want to wear—but in my opinion, that’s just plain stupid.


Being an adult means being able to decipher what you can and can’t get away with. Just because I love the way my feet feel in Crocs, does not mean I will ever go in public and showcase them for the world to see.


Now here are the three main reasons as to why men think women should not wear skinny jeans:


Makes The Chubby Look Chubbier


I think the reason why a lot of women buy skinny jeans is because they think they are ‘slimming.’ Skinny jeans don’t make you skinny. If you are not skinny, skinny jeans only point out your gargantuan thighs, ass and waist. Honestly, they can’t even be comfortable when you’re that overweight. Seriously, what are some of you thinking?


They Create The Unflattering Mushroom Top


I adore love handles on a woman like any real man should, but if we see them seeping out of your pants, it’s a major turn-off. Even if a woman is slim, I find that skinny jeans have the effect to make her look bigger than she would if she wore normal denim jeans. If any item of clothing makes parts of your body look like something Super Mario would stomp on, then it’s best to get rid of them.


They Make You Look Like Big Foot


I wish someone would tell skinny girls that even though they can fit into skinny jeans perfectly, that it doesn’t hide their enormous feet. Skinny jeans only make your feet look like huge Sasquatch feet. These girls are also the ditzy ones that love wearing neon colored heels too—only showcasing their huge feet even more so. Yup, that’s really going to turn men on more.


In closing, I’m not saying this because I’m a prick. I am by no means a fashion god. I just wear clothes that make me feel comfortable and I’m most attracted to women that do the same. I just want women out there to appreciate their bodies and to not wear things because everybody else is wearing them. Be sexy in your own unique way. That’s all I’m asking for.

The Dying Art of Swearing

I am not religious and I was so virtuous that this year I didn't even eat any pancakes. And yet my little cherubs asked me point blank what I was giving up for Lent. It was a toss up between farting and swearing. I talked my way out of the farting ban by saying if I kept it all in I would blow up like Violet Beauregarde and ultimately explode.

Since they didn't seem to want to scrape me off the ceiling we settled on the swearing one.

Now some of you might say the right to swear is part of the first amendment of the United States of America but I will say this - it is most definitely not. Swearing is demonized as it is not in the UK and I had to concede that I don't really want them swearing at school because they will get in trouble, so I am trying not to swear as much. Even though I have to say swearing is a much underestimated anger management tool.

But honestly I don't know why swearing is so bad. Well I do. Here God is a pretty big cheese, a big enchillada in the sense that you don't mess with him. You can find yourself saying "Oh God!" or "Oh Jesus!" and some devout little pipsqueak might say, "We don't insult God like that!" I suppose you would have to respect God in the first place, but what if you don't and what if you think the whole history of Christianity is a bit of a blood bath what with the conversion of Anglo-Saxons the most bloody of all for Christian missionaries because paganism was so entrenched into the culture. The Saxons were one of the last Barbarian groups to be converted by Christian missionaries - mainly under the threat of death by Charlemagne.

And profane language is by no means a recent phenomenon. The Bible sometimes goes in for strong language, such as mention of men who "eat their own dung, and drink their own piss" in the Authorized King James Version of 1611's close translation of Hebrew text of 2 Kings 18:27. Shakespeare is full of vulgarisms, though many are no longer readily recognized. Even the oldest traces of human writing include swear words.

But the main argument against swearing is more about showing off that you're classy if you don't swear - that you can control the vast waves of anger swirling inside you without saying a cuss word. I know someone pretty pretentious - let's call him Niles - who was aghast at how not only had profanity become more acceptable in the United States but that women were getting in on it too. Whereas a few decades ago if one swore in front of a lady one might apologize, now the woman might laugh before coming back with a more pithy epithet. Plus women swear a lot more on screen like in movies like Bridesmaids. And then Niles went on to say that we were wasting too much time making bawdy, rude jokes, wasting time that could be spent dissecting literature, having pithy discussions about politics or simply composing non pornographic poetry.

Which made me want to swear more than anything.

There is nothing so relaxing as engaging in rude, politically incorrect banter down the pub or watching Ricky Gervais talking about animals' sex lives. And ask yourself this: do you feel pleasantly euphoric after you go and watch a worthy play about a Fish who thinks he's Barack Obama or read a literary non-fiction book about Bipolar Pygmies trying to make it in Hollywood? Do you enjoy plowing though a review of some exhibition showing ground breaking new work by some artist who makes things out of trash?

Of course you don't.

Don't you ever envy the so called unwashed, those who swear with impunity. While claiming to mock the 'chavs' don't programs like Little Britain actually make you want to be someone who simply did not care if you had a couple of extra chins, a couple of illegitimate kids, a diet consisting of spam and lard and an ability to use swear words in various creative means?

This is what I'm saying to the powers that be that look down on us Swearees. Where does all that anger go? If we are stuck saying Fudge! Sugar! and Knackwurst! the anger might still build up inside.

It seems to me that life for the middle classes is very tightly controlled. If you are seen taking your children to McDonalds on a regular basis you are in serious breach of food etiquette. There are so many things you have to be doing to fit in with the so called educated types.

I mean for crying out loud. Swearing is all we have left. And now that fundamental human right is being taken away from us!

And animals back this up. Chimps engage in what appears to be a kind of cursing match as a means of venting aggression and avoiding a potentially dangerous physical clash.

Frans de Waal, a professor of primate behavior at Emory University in Atlanta, said that when chimpanzees were angry "they will grunt or spit or make an abrupt, upsweeping gesture that, if a human were to do it, you'd recognize it as aggressive."

Such behaviors are threat gestures, Professor de Waal said, and they are all a good sign.

"A chimpanzee who is really gearing up for a fight doesn't waste time with gestures, but just goes ahead and attacks," he added.

By the same token, he said, nothing is more deadly than a person who is too enraged for expletives - who cleanly and quietly picks up a gun and starts shooting.

All of which has made me very depressed. Swearing, I think, is very good for you. But I still have to keep it buttoned.

What about you? What are you giving up for Lent?

World Exclusive: Kate Middleton puts on the kettle for Hello! Magazine

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Interviewer: “HRH, it’s wonderful to be allowed this opportunity to ask you inane questions. First of all how are you finding married life?”

Kate: “Jolly lovely so far. Jolly lovely. Wills has hardly been in the house. Nice and quiet. I whip round with the hoover first thing, and then get the kettle on then that’s me for the day – tea, Jammy Dodgers and daytime television. Unless of course I’ve got some “Boring Boring Katie’s Snoring” function to go to. Then I just put my rollers in, slick of Juicy Tubes and off I totter.”

Interviewer: “You’re the newest member of the Royal Family, how have you found adapting into their lifestyle and customs?”

Kate: “It’s been an education, I won’t lie to you. For instance, on Christmas Day we all had to stand in the back garden at Sandringham and sing “Silent Night” in eight part harmony (in German of course!). It should have been nine, but of course poor Phil was in hospital with his heart thingy so we were missing a soprano. But we carried on regardless; The Queen won’t have it any other way. She refuses to alter protocol for anything. She once turned up to the opening of a crisp packet dragging her iron lung behind her. Such an inspiration and a trooper…”

Interviewer: “Indeed. Talking of being a trooper how was the Royal Deflowering? A world waited with bated breath on the evening of the 29th April…”

Kate: “Well, it certainly wasn’t an Annus Horribilis that’s for sure!! (That’s a little joke I slipped in there…just like Wills on the wedding night!! Ho ho!). No, it was jolly lovely. Jolly lovely. Obviously I mean I don’t want to give too much away – mind you, I haven’t got much left to give now the old hymen’s been broken! But it was very nice. Little bit of Barry White on the stereo, adjustable lighting on low. Wills opened a chilled bottle of Blue Nun (which incidentally was his pet name for Princess Margaret) and away we went!”

Interviewer: “It sounds idyllic. Of course, now our thoughts will be turning to the next generation of Royals for which you and your fragrant husband will be responsible for. How are you preparing for motherhood?”

Kate: “Obviously I’ve upped my eating game. I’m actually swallowing food now, rather than just looking longingly at it and sighing. I'm also reading a really hilarious parenting book called Cocktails at Naptime the problem is it's making me laugh so much I've had to buy some Tena Lady, which isn’t always conducive to “the sexy” as Wills calls it. The book talks about how Mothers of History (including Queen Victoria and Marie Antoinette) dealt with getting their figure back as well as an essential guide to transforming your partner into a sex symbol using only household bleach and a pair of rubber gloves. Thinking of getting Wills to do a spot of washing up when he gets back from wherever he is at the moment…”

Interviewer: “It must be so hard for him…”

Kate: “Constantly. I very often get ruderies via text message from him…he’s always telling me how hard he is. I mean “it” is. It. Being apart I mean. Gosh. I’m blushing now!"

Interviewer: “Quite. It must be very difficult for you to both find alone time, just for two of you? Where and how would you spend your couple time if you could choose anywhere?”

Kate: “Gosh! Well, I mean it’s a very difficult situation for us both. If I’m not attending the twanging of a rubber band or something else that requires me to smile and swish my hair about, then Wills is away being all brave in a helicopter somewhere. Ideally, we’d sail away somewhere on a lovely world cruise, just the two of us, plus all 340 of our Servants, my Hairdresser, Make-Up Artist and Chief Cook and Bottle Scrubber. A nice private time where we can just be ourselves and pose in cocktail slacks on the poop-deck in full view of the tabloid newspapers. That would be perfect. I’ve already been taking waving lessons from Her Maj in preparation for it. I’m developing a Docker’s Forearm already. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it!

Interviewer: “Thank you for taking the time to speak to us today, Kate”

Kate: “My plesh. I’m just about to stick the kettle on. Tea and a Custard Cream before you go..?”

She's Got Legs and Knows How To Use Them

Okay here we go....things I love about myself. I'm writing this for Glowless' linky. I'm not ashamed to say I love my legs. And I love hot pink.

I love blue pvc too. I am proud of my legs. I have two. Go count em!



I love how I look in this cheesy hat.


Did I mention I love hot pink?


I am proud of me for going out like this in public.


I love guys with big hair.



Even though we don't have that much in common.

Happy Valentine's Day to you all.

Remember - never be afraid to don 80s fashions and just go for it!!!!

This Valentine's Day linky has been set up by the lovely Glowless

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a Valentine's Day post featuring something you love about yourself and why. Got great breasts? A sharp wit? Awesome craft skills? Good ear for music? Fabulous negotiating skills? Whatever it is, it has to be something about yourself that you L-O-V-E!

Throughout the day @glowless will be tweeting the links of those who linky up with the #GlowsValentines hashtag so keep an eye out! So write a post, grab the button and link up!

Are you twirting with me?

The magazine subscription source with free shipping.

I was absolutely mesmerized by a post by Jimmy at Personalsfacts who asked if twitter was the new relationship killer. Apparently his girlfriend thought he was tweeting with too many females. Luckily he was able to set her at ease by explaining that true intimacy and trust can't be broken over a two-sentence update. Frankly, I was amazed. I didn't even know you could 'twirt' via twitter. I mean, goodness me, I know all about the perils of all sorts of flirting that goes on on Facebook with much prodding, winking and poking. And I do of course know that Facebook is now cited in 1 and 5 divorce cases.

But swear to God I didn't know about twirting. So maybe some of you who follow my tweets on twitter have been twirting away in the most stilted way possible. If you were I'm sorry - I just didn't notice!!!

I of course knew about Anthony Weiner tweeting about his weiner but I think I just thought 'what a weiner' to put your weiner out there like that.

And therein lies the rub. The problem with social media and trying to form relationships via its portals. It is good in a sense that you can communicate with everyone, but the problem is there is tons of room for getting the wrong end of the weiner (sorry I'll stop now). Because not only might your boy/girlfriend get insanely jealous of how much time you spend blogging, facebooking or tweeting, your usage of social media might also just inflame jealousies when you are perfectly innocent.

Maybe that is why my relationship with my husband is fairly easy. He does not have twitter, facebook, or for that matter a cell phone. And I applaud him for it!

Maintaining a relationship is a careful balance of giving the person too much attention and giving them too little. Now if you both have facebook, twitter and cell phone, what's to stop you from contacting them with the most banal stuff like shopping lists or remember to take the trash out? I think many people don't know quite how irritating their constant phoning of their spouse is.

I think that on balance social media is more a constant source of irritation than anything else. It is always bandied about that it is so great that we can all communicate around the world in seconds. But why is it? Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore twirted with each other day and night and look how that ended.

The basic fact is once you put something via a text or via the internet it is there for anyone to access, intercept or feel vaguely nauseous about like the twirting between Shane Warne and Elizabeth Hurley.

Believe me, if I could I would probably turn back time to when we all wrote with quill pens. Although that wasn't so rosy either. Back in Jane Austen's time instead of writing dirty tweets people were, well, dirty. Even posh people only bathed about once a month, you had to pee in a chamber pot and had rotten teeth.

And what about you? Do you tweet or facebook your significant other? Do you constantly text your Lovebug? Has it added to your relationship or caused major friction?

I long for a time when I didn't know about people's private lives. Who can look at Prince Charles in the same way after he said he wanted to be Camilla's tampon.

So what is the answer? Do we need to burn our iPads and start wearing knee britches and long gowns and waiting months for letters to arrive while frantically sitting in drafty mansions working at an embroidering of a spaniel?

For me I just bask in the romance of knowing that my beloved is....completly out of reach!

Although this is a sponsored post all opinions are my own.

Joining in with Multiple Mum for the Weekend Rewind Blog Hop Linky thingy... do join in!

Caught between a cigarillo and a hard place

We knew the day would come .... just not so soon. Worse even than the 'where do babies come from?' question, we found ourselves on the thorny end of a devil's fork. The subject was drugs.

My eight year old aka Sausage came home last week. She was holding a short straw and sucking through it. She started telling me about how they'd learnt about drugs at school. I looked at the straw and wondered if they'd been teaching them how bad people snort cocaine. But no, the difficulty of sucking through the straw indicated how it would feel if your lungs were 'all stuck together with tar from cigarettes and the little balloony things inside of them didn't work anymore.' All well and good until Sausage said, "But why does daddy smoke cigars?" Scrambling for an answer I came up with, "Well, he doesn't inhale." But that sounded a little too fudgy, a little too Bill Clintonesque for comfort. Later my husband was grilled on the cigar issue, of why he smoked them. He came up with the politically neutral answer, "I have no good answer to that." Kudos to him.

Luckily I no longer smoke cigarettes or heads would have rolled. All I got was "Why do you drink caffeine? That's a drug." To which I replied, "Well, it's a pretty harmless one."

At the moment my older daughter Scarlett, aged 11 is like, "Why would anyone take drugs?" Well good, let's hope her attitude stays that way.

But the truth is I am not really addicted to any drugs apart from maybe coffee. I used to smoke but could take it or leave it. But an addiction can be many things. An addiction is quite simply a coping mechanism that if it starts to affect your life badly means you are in trouble.

So although obviously I want the kids to avoid illegal drugs there is also a case for stating that any behaviour taken to excess is in effect an addiction.

When I was younger love was the drug. But as I got older I was probably more addicted to junk food than love - food gives an immediate gratification while looking for love in the wrong places is very emotionally draining whatever Bryan Ferry says!



So have your kids started learning about drugs at school yet and have you had to answer any awkward questions?