Thursday, May 17, 2012

Finding My Water Wings

I have recently become a water aerobics fanatic. I go to a gym that has a somewhat volatile air conditioning and heating system. So I was either freezing like a popsicle or burning up like a sausage on a barbie in the regular exercise classes ...or maybe those were just early hot flashes! Whatever. I knew something had to give. I had seen the water aerobics class and wanted a slice of styrofoam dumbell action. The time was right to discover my inner dolphin. So I just dived in.

There are so many positives. Firstly I am the youngest person in the group by twenty years. Secondly I am the fittest person in the class simply because I am young. So if I simply do the moves twice as fast as the seniors I feel insanely superfit like I'm Jillian Michaels or summat.

If you want to feel superfit it is quite simple. Use psychological tricks on yourself. Make sure you're the hottest looking chick in the exercise class. If this means signing up for yoga for seniors or water aerobics -just do it!

The other thing is that no one in the class is in a hurry to get anywhere. Sometimes I'm in the water for three hours getting as pickled as a prune while we all chat about holidays, grandchildren, or what kind of soil suits what kind of plant. In the case of the men there does seem to be some very vague flirting going on. One gent asked me if I was a university student. Bless him. Maybe he does have cataracts but he made my day.

Am I selling this to you yet?

One wierd thing has been puzzling me though. Yesterday I was doing my water moves to Chuck Berry when we all noticed this guy who was about thirty. He was sitting in a lounge chair tapping away on his laptop. He was wearing a blue outfit that could have been medical scrubs, or the uniform of god only knows what. No one knew how he had smuggled in the beach lounger.

Sorta like this but indoors wearing medical scrubs. WTF?

Okay so he could have been using the free Wifi that the gym offers. But why in the name of God was he relaxing in a pose like he was on the beach cheek by jowl beside an indoor pool full of gyrating seniors and one pseudo-senior (moi). The mind boggles. We found out from the lifeguards that this guy was not working for the gym. One of the more outgoing pensioners swam up to him and asked, "Are you a spy?" But he ignored her.

What do you think was going on? Several theories spring to mind but let's keep this clean.

I just hope to God he wasn't filming and I don't end up on youtube .....


Wednesday, May 02, 2012

When Good Brains Go Bad

I found it strangely endearing to hear that the megamillionairess, eater of wheatgrass and fashion designer Victoria Beckham drove her son to school this week without remembering to put him in the car. I reckon Posh was sleep-deprived when she started to drive her son Brooklyn to school and got halfway there before realizing he was, you know, actually in the car.

"I jumped in my Range Rover, put the car seat in, put my iPod on and drove to school. And then I realised I'd left Brooklyn in the kitchen! I was driving along, talking away, and all of a sudden, I looked down at the seat, and I was like: "Shit! Shit! I've forgot something,'" she said. "Harper was in the car, I was in the car, and we were on the way to school – but we did not have the child who needed to go to school. I got down the road, and literally had to turn and drive straight back."

It's not that big a deal because Brooklyn is 13, but I did feel better knowing Posh had her moments of weakness albeit not as a food fiend like moi - no doubt she would be able to withstand truffling down a raspberry pavlova if it were shoved under her nose, but still.

Now, I must say I never actually left a kid at home by accident and drove off into the wide blue yonder so I'll give myself a pat on the back for that. I did though have a moment of senility fairly recently at 3pm when I had a headache and decided to take a Tylenol but instead took a Tylenol PM by mistake. I told the kids "I'll be fine, I can still drive you to Brownies." Moments later I was asleep. Happens to everyone, right?

Indeed it is most unfortunate that I do seem to be suffering more and more from Mummy Jelly Brain and while Posh might be forgiven because she still has a baby that wakes her at night my suffering from Mummy Jelly Brain is a tad more worrying since it is nine years after I last pushed a metaphorical watermelon through the eye of a needle.

You know what I mean about going Jelly Brained? I sometimes find myself:

- using shampoo on my face and putting face lotion in my hair.

- putting conditioner on my hair, rinsing it out, then wondering whether I put conditioner on my hair in the first place and putting more on.

- waking up not knowing what day of the week or even month it is.

- walking into a room looking for something and then not remembering what the hell I went in for.

- Drawing blanks on the names of mums at the school gates who I have known as acquaintances for five years - or their kids' names WTF?

The list goes on. Do you suffer from Mummy Jelly Brain? What are your finest moments?